My wishes
For almost two years now, I have sacrificed all luxuries and put my own needs aside. As long as Kate had everything she needs, I was happy to go without. I'm realizing now that I'm not setting a great example for my child. I have kept her safe, taught her all she knows, begged and borrowed to keep clothes on her back, a roof over her head, and her tummy full. Meanwhile, I haven't had a hair cut her entire life. When my gray roots become blatantly obvious, I splurge on a $2.98 box of Revlon hair dye, and feel guilty if I really go all out and get the $7 brand. I used to buy Biologe shampoo and conditioner, $18 bucks a bottle. Now, I buy Suave for less than $2. Most of my makeup is older than Kate. I hardly wear it anymore, save it for when I actually get out of the house. I used to wash my body with only Bath and Body works, not able to leave the store without spending at least $40. Suave to the rescue... better than nothing. I wear my old maternity clothes with holes in them everyday. I can't fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, because a salad costs five times more than a box of pasta. Of course, working out is free, but motivation is hard to come by for some people. I did give up soda, can't afford the price in more ways than one. It's expensive, and it's so unhealthy. I have some nice clothes. I don't see myself chasing toddlers around in a dress and heels, though. I miss dental insurance. Oh what I would give to have a good teeth cleaning! Teeth whitening strips are also a luxury I can no longer afford. I haven't had my nails done since my wedding, over 2 years ago. As a result of these things, my hair is frizzy, damaged, dry, and wild, my teeth are tobacco stained, my clothes look poor... I just look like I don't care. I do, though. I don't want to be this woman anymore. I wouldn't give back the time I had with Kate in exchange for these things, but I want them back. I want to be able to take care of myself and my daughter. I miss shopping. I miss being a regular customer at TJMaxx. I miss spoiling myself at Aveda Salon, and spending too much at DSW. I really miss taking my husband out to eat, and ordering what ever I want. I miss buying a new top, shoes, or jeans just to look good while I drop $50 at the bar a few times a week. Above all, I miss my car. My cute little civic with an annoying exhaust and bubbles in her tinted windows. A word of advice, don't save money by going from full coverage to liability. Your car could be totaled 2 days after switching insurance... I'm living proof of that. Accidents happen. I walked to work, and saved money for nearly a year to buy that car, with no help. I was so proud of myself. Maybe I should've never left Racetrac. Shame on me for thinking I was better than that. I haven't been able to make this life comfortable since I left, then again I would never see Kate if I still worked there. I am sick of borrowing money, not being able to pay the bills on time, getting my phone turned off. My poor credit score decreased nearly 200 points this past year. I was proud of myself for creating my own business, my in home daycare, but soooo disappointed in myself for not being able to make it work. I have never been happier at "work" but have never struggled this much to make money. I currently watch 3 wonderful children a few days a week, and can't seem to find anymore. This summer I was turning kids away, then kids went back to school and the demand completely diminished. My rates are as low as they can be, and I still can't get enough clients. Then there were the Moms who didn't want to pay me, but show up to pick up their kids with new clothes, fresh nails, nice hair cuts, one had a brand new car, still didn't want to pay me, asked for discounts all the time. To add injury to insult, she just disappeared one day. I bonded with her 3 children all summer. I opened my door for her any time of day, sometimes had them until after midnight. I charge more after a child is here for more than 12 hours, and she would leave them with me for 11 and half hours a day. Those children didn't want to go home. They wanted to be with me 24/7. The toddler would cry and throw a fit and hide when his Mom would come to pick him up. She gave me no warning, no chance to say good bye, and she still owes me money. She is the second mother to do this to me, and it hurts. I watched a little girl from 2 months until she was 9 months old, and her mother just ran up her bill, then never came back. Because of these Moms, I now require daily payment. Pay me when you pick up your child. If you are struggling, I understand. Just talk to me about it, we will work it out. Don't just vanish. I'm happy with the kids/moms right now. They are good people, with good children. I want to be there for them, watch their kids anytime they need me... but I can't afford not to make a change. I cannot take care of others if I cannot take care of myself. I'm too nice to run my own business, I'm a push over and people tend to walk all over me. I'm made for customer service, where your wish is my command. I so enjoy catering to children, rather than ungrateful adults, though. Help a child learn something, clean something, feed them, ect..., and you get paid in hugs and kisses and laughter. Help an adult by providing them fresh coffee, keeping the restroom clean, ringing up their items, ect..., and you get treated like you're less of a person because it's your position to do these things. I was spending all my energy and time to make $45,000 a year, and being treated like I was worthless. On the other hand, kiss a boo boo on a child and I'm a hero. Out of all of this, what makes it more difficult is the feeling that my husband is disappointed in me. He loves to brag, used to brag about how much I work, used to brag about how much I made, used to brag about I beautiful I was, used to brag about how often he got lucky, but lately I haven't given him much to brag about... except being a good mother. He works so hard, 7 days a week. His money is spent before he can even get it, just goes right into the vast hole of bills and necessities, a hole that seems to be bottomless. It's my fault. He has a weak partner right now, and I'm weighing him down, holding him back. I want to make him happy. I want him to be able to afford a day off work. I want to vacation with him. I have to find a good income. I don't want to be rich. I just want to afford happiness, stability, comfort, healthy food, decent clothes, a hair cut...