(no subject)
livejournal is the only safe place to rant anymore
first and foremost, if i could stop thinking about him, if i could have never met him, if he would have never asked to move in with me, if i could just forget that the last 2+ years happened, believe me i would. no one wants to feel like this. when he asked me to move out here i asked him if this is what he really wanted, because i could not handle having to say goodbye to him again, and he PROMISED me, he wanted this. and that even if things didn't work out we were always going to move away somewhere really cool. and now we're coming back home, and i can't help but feel that we're just falling back into this big hole again. i can't bring myself to believe that it's all happening. no one ever saw this coming. i just feel so lost. i don't know what i want to do. i don't want to be here anymore, but i certainly don't want to move back home. but i don't know what to feel anymore. no one could even know how bad my heart and head have been fucked with in the last 2 months. i got broken up with right before christmas, thrown out of a place to live, went 1000 miles away just to try and get him out of my head, came home and that same night we hung out and he told me how much he missed me and how he wanted to work things out, a week later told me that he didn't want to hang out anymore at all, a week and a half later calls me to hang out, now we hang out like nothing ever changed except that we're "only friends with benefits and nothing more" except i only stay that at his parent's all the time and have dinner with his family and show up at party's with our friends together and have a great time, and tonight we go one the closest thing to a date that we've ever been on. but he'd never let anybody know that. it's fine for people here to know because no one in michigan would ever talk to them. and i was ready to leave. i finally got the heart to just let go pack my shit and leave. i quit my job, today was supposed to be my last day. and all he had to say was "wait for me" and here i am, going back to work on wednesday. and i know i know i know the only thing that would even remotely help would be to say fuck and just stop talking to him and just leave, but i can't, i really can't. i'm so happy on the days we do hang out and on the days we don't i miss him like hell and can't wait to see him again. isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be like? miss eachother like hell and be so excited to see eachother when you finally do? i mean this is the first time we really had the chance to be together and not live together, he used to talk about it all the time. but no, he changed his mind again. i swear he changes it everyday. about everything. everything he says he's going to do, everything he thinks about anything. i don't know what to do anymore, i don't know what to think anymore. and i've tried talking to other guys, i have options, but everytime i talk to someone, i'm always thinking "they're just not him" and really no one's ever going to be, i mean come on if you know kyle green you know what i'm talking about. and how am i just supposed to forget 2 years of my life? how am i supposed to forget the 2000 miles i moved, the family and friends i gave up on, and the new family i've made and the new friends i made here that i'm also about to up and leave here? how do you get over this? it's not just your average break-up. i gave up everything for one thing that became my everything and i lost it so what does that leave me with? i just don't know how i'm supposed to feel anymore. today was such a good day, i had such a good time tonight, but i'm sitting here in tears because it was all just too comfortable and reall feeling. the other day heather and i went to the open house at her mom's new hospital that she works at, and her mom introduced me to one of her coworkers as " her son's friend...girlfriend, i don't know something" and i just wanted to cry. i remember being there and her telling her coworkers she was my "might as well be mother-in-law" i think that's the hardest part. i didn't just lose kyle, i lost a family. the only "family" i had around for 2 years. do you know how many family dinners, or christmas' or birthdays or holidays or deaths i wasn't around for just for him? i feel like i missed so much. and i feel like when i go back nothing will ever be the same. i don't know anymore, i just know that whatever it is that i feel i don't want to feel anymore, and there's only 2 options to not feel it and i think one is just as bad as feeling this way. i know that the absolute worst i have ever felt in my life is the day that he left for idaho, and the absolute happiest i have ever been is the moment i jumped out of my car and he held me like he was never going to let me go. i would give ANYTHING to have that feeling again. i did. i did give everything. and i'd do it all again. in a heartbeat, not questions asked. it is the best possible feeling in the world, i wish i could describe it, it's so good that you would go through so much hurt and sadness just to feel it for that one instance. and that's why it's so hard to let go.
first and foremost, if i could stop thinking about him, if i could have never met him, if he would have never asked to move in with me, if i could just forget that the last 2+ years happened, believe me i would. no one wants to feel like this. when he asked me to move out here i asked him if this is what he really wanted, because i could not handle having to say goodbye to him again, and he PROMISED me, he wanted this. and that even if things didn't work out we were always going to move away somewhere really cool. and now we're coming back home, and i can't help but feel that we're just falling back into this big hole again. i can't bring myself to believe that it's all happening. no one ever saw this coming. i just feel so lost. i don't know what i want to do. i don't want to be here anymore, but i certainly don't want to move back home. but i don't know what to feel anymore. no one could even know how bad my heart and head have been fucked with in the last 2 months. i got broken up with right before christmas, thrown out of a place to live, went 1000 miles away just to try and get him out of my head, came home and that same night we hung out and he told me how much he missed me and how he wanted to work things out, a week later told me that he didn't want to hang out anymore at all, a week and a half later calls me to hang out, now we hang out like nothing ever changed except that we're "only friends with benefits and nothing more" except i only stay that at his parent's all the time and have dinner with his family and show up at party's with our friends together and have a great time, and tonight we go one the closest thing to a date that we've ever been on. but he'd never let anybody know that. it's fine for people here to know because no one in michigan would ever talk to them. and i was ready to leave. i finally got the heart to just let go pack my shit and leave. i quit my job, today was supposed to be my last day. and all he had to say was "wait for me" and here i am, going back to work on wednesday. and i know i know i know the only thing that would even remotely help would be to say fuck and just stop talking to him and just leave, but i can't, i really can't. i'm so happy on the days we do hang out and on the days we don't i miss him like hell and can't wait to see him again. isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be like? miss eachother like hell and be so excited to see eachother when you finally do? i mean this is the first time we really had the chance to be together and not live together, he used to talk about it all the time. but no, he changed his mind again. i swear he changes it everyday. about everything. everything he says he's going to do, everything he thinks about anything. i don't know what to do anymore, i don't know what to think anymore. and i've tried talking to other guys, i have options, but everytime i talk to someone, i'm always thinking "they're just not him" and really no one's ever going to be, i mean come on if you know kyle green you know what i'm talking about. and how am i just supposed to forget 2 years of my life? how am i supposed to forget the 2000 miles i moved, the family and friends i gave up on, and the new family i've made and the new friends i made here that i'm also about to up and leave here? how do you get over this? it's not just your average break-up. i gave up everything for one thing that became my everything and i lost it so what does that leave me with? i just don't know how i'm supposed to feel anymore. today was such a good day, i had such a good time tonight, but i'm sitting here in tears because it was all just too comfortable and reall feeling. the other day heather and i went to the open house at her mom's new hospital that she works at, and her mom introduced me to one of her coworkers as " her son's friend...girlfriend, i don't know something" and i just wanted to cry. i remember being there and her telling her coworkers she was my "might as well be mother-in-law" i think that's the hardest part. i didn't just lose kyle, i lost a family. the only "family" i had around for 2 years. do you know how many family dinners, or christmas' or birthdays or holidays or deaths i wasn't around for just for him? i feel like i missed so much. and i feel like when i go back nothing will ever be the same. i don't know anymore, i just know that whatever it is that i feel i don't want to feel anymore, and there's only 2 options to not feel it and i think one is just as bad as feeling this way. i know that the absolute worst i have ever felt in my life is the day that he left for idaho, and the absolute happiest i have ever been is the moment i jumped out of my car and he held me like he was never going to let me go. i would give ANYTHING to have that feeling again. i did. i did give everything. and i'd do it all again. in a heartbeat, not questions asked. it is the best possible feeling in the world, i wish i could describe it, it's so good that you would go through so much hurt and sadness just to feel it for that one instance. and that's why it's so hard to let go.