Good Times!
Has anyone else ever gone back to when they first got a live journal and re-read all of their entries? Today I did, and WOW! I was, and maybe still am bi-polar. One day I was complaining of how much I hated my parents and the next I was talking about how much I loved my dad. WTF! Anybody else remember the “evil-day sandwich” that Austin made up? Some awesome memories. Then I was so friggin’ excited that Josh asked me out. And thought I was cool because I had a boyfriend and my dad didn’t know about it. LOL! Were we all this dumb at some point or was it just me? Don’t answer that. Posting crappy puppy love poems on LiveJournal…..Memories but don’t think I’ll do that again. “as i start to think about the future, i start wishing again...i wish that he could have seen me graduate...and he was supposed to be there when i married someone...and he's ot gonna b there and that really hurts to know that a day that is so life changing and inportant, he won't be there for me like he was for me when i was growing up...sometimes i just sit up in bed and cry my eyes out wishing that he would still be here to bug me like he used to about everything...about my clothes...my music...my attitude...” - that part made me cry. Writing farewell to all my “family members” at McKinley. Fretting that I’ll never please my father by dating a black guy. Breaking up with Josh because of stupidity. Hating Alison for being his new girlfriend. Lol. Another, better, more interesting poem. Realizing that what I thought was love was “just my hormones going into overdrive”. Lol. Loving Macbeth. The first time Angela really made me cry. HATING Ms. Nichols. LOL. But who didn’t hate her? Trying to figure out WHY to a lot of things. Being scared for those I loved as they battled cutting. Contemplating cutting myself. Angela told me that even when she’s really down, I can always make her smile, and that’s WHY she loves me.
There’s this new Carrie Underwood song called “Don’t Forget to Remember Me”. It making me cry. There’s so many people that I left at Metro that I hope I will never forget and that I want them to remember me. Angela - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! You’ve affected my live in such a way that I don’t know how to explain it. That’s love, when you can’t find the words to explain it. Mary, Laura, Kayanna - You guys made me have fun even when I was in a bad mood. So many memories from the bi-state. I love you guys. Dylan - I think I miss you a lot more than I expected to. I dunno why though. I guess it was your attitude about everything or maybe all the joking around we did. WOOF-THA! BINJO!!! And I ‘ll always look up to you. You’ll do something so great someday, and I’ll say “I knew him. I was his friend.” I love you! Nate - Free Period was amazing. From freshman biology all the way to reading Seventeen Magazines with you during free period. You give some of the best hugs around. Amanda’s a lucky girl. Stacy - From sitting with Clara Suntinger in 6th grade to not hating you for some of the stuff you did and not thinking you were a whore. I love you!!! Emily and Maddy - Call me YODA!!! I’m only sad that I didn’t really get to know you until this year. But I enjoyed every minute of it.
Starting to realize that maybe Metro just wasn’t for me was one of the hardest things to deal with. I thought in freshman year that I’d make it through. I did, I made it through freshman year. Sophmore year: the downhill started, but I thought to myself I’ll pull through it like I did before. I was wrong that time. The day I realized that I wouldn’t be able to stay at Metro……utter disbelief, devastation. I balled from when I got home to when I finally cried myself to sleep that night. Through the next few days this went on. I wouldn’t cry at school, but I did. I seriously ran to the bathroom. I wouldn’t allow anyone to see me like that. I didn’t want people to be scared for me. Because that would just cause me to be more scared for myself.
Now that I’ve gotten a good cry out. I have to go do work. I’m doing better. Everyday I think I go stronger. But sometimes it’s good to reminisce. Until later. I love you!