Feelings...I HATE Feelings!
Last night...well, afternoon I guess, I sat in my shower crying with the blistering hot water falling on me. I was thinking, thinking really hard. What should I do? Should I do it? I came really close to, it was in my hands right over my skin. When suddenly a random thought of Angela popped into my head. That thought made me think about how many people I would be hurting and disapointing if I did do it. It delayed my doing it that much more. That one randaom thought of one of my friends kept me from starting a REALLY bad habit. It made me realize how much I need my friends. I don't know what I would do if I was one of those kids that doesn't have any friends. My friends kept me from falling apart. I know that doing it would have started a downward spiral to an end that I don't want to see.
I finally cracked to my parents. I told them how tired I was of being made fun of in front of every person my dad gets a chance to degrade me in front of. I told them why I have acted differently since they took my life away. "The point is that all I have is my friends, Dad, that's what I look forward to during the week and on the weekends. Without them my life is screwed." I don't know if he realizes it but when I feel that I'm nothing, I'm not going to do anything to try and make myself better. I explained to them how the whole C-O-N-C-E-I-D-E-D thing was like a protection to what I feel. I joke around like that to make myself feel better about me. Once again, I find myself complaining to the only people who will listen, my friends. I hope you guys don't think that my life is just a living hell and nothing else.
I have alot of fun too, as many of you know. This weekend I had such a good time when some friends came over. Like Chrissy has already told me that was her best night in a long time. I feel that way too. It would have been better if Ryan had been there, but it was still fun. I haven't seen him in over a week, I'm going crazy. I need to see him.
Amanda, stop, we're on the good things.
OK, back to the GOOD life.
This week has actually been pretty good to me. I got to do alot of stuff, and I'm thankful for that.
I can't believe that there are less than 2 months left in the school year. Then comes summer school and vacation in the mountains. I wish I had a laptop, so that I could keep myself busy while I'm there. But postcards will do. I have to remember to get a list of addys that I want to send post cards to. Somebody call me and remind me.
Typing class awaits. I gotta go.