Hmm...
Well, finals week is approaching and I am getting a little stressed. I feel so helpless inside. I have so many questions that I wish I could ask and get answers that I could trust and rely on. Everyone has a bias and everyone wants what is best for everyone. Sometimes I don't understand why life can't ever be easy. It seems like one difficult move or choice moves your right into another one. I guess I just feel really really sad. I want something to change and I feel that it is nearly impossible. I miss the way things were when I was a kid. The only thing I had to worry about was if I was actually going to do my assignments for class, where I should go on my next bike ride, how many of my friends would be home when I rode by on my bike, what would lie beyond the edge of town...things like that. These were the days that I didn't have a love of any sort, but I was constantly wondering what it would be like if I ever did have one. I guess I am reaching a point in my life where I am realizing that aging isn't a slow process. It's quick and takes you like the wind. How many times have I wished that I could just stop time? I tell myself, "as soon as college is over, it will be so great. I will have my own place, a girlfrind, plenty of drinking buddies, faith, compassion again, and a little world to call my own." How much of this will actually happen. Reality says that I will probably graduate, have a hard time finding a job, be lonely, feel insecure when I finally find a job, have to spend my entire income on living in my crappy apartment, and be the furthest from wealthy that I have ever been. I just hope life works out for me. I am feeling like I am at rock bottom and a chain is attached to my foot. Wouldn't it be cool if you could just fly out of your skin? You could just leave and not come back. You would find nervana over the next hill and you would live with other people that just wanted to escape. Your body could keep on doing what it was doing but you would be somewhere else...over the next hill. Sometimes I get excited when I think of what the next life will entail for me. In the next life, I want a mansion on top of a hill in the middle of the forest. I will have a sparkling pond in my back yard and a beautiful little angel to call my own. There will be no televisions, no media, and no deceptive people as far as the universe would stretch. I would invite all of my friends, past relatives, and neighbors over for a the feast of an after-lifetime. It would be a bright, warm, blue-skied, spring day, all of the time. A 45 foot tall fountain in the middle of my very own culdasac would greet me everday at the end of my 5 mile long driveway with beautiful flowers, trees, and statues lining the entire thing. But the best thing of all, I will surround myself with people that love me for the person I am on the inside. They won't care about what I can do for them, but only rejoice when I do do something. I would spend my days only doing things to make people feel good. In the next life, there won't be any need to try to get ahead in the world. Imagine how great this will feel. I can't wait!