(no subject)
Its amazing the things I can't get over. I don't hold grudges-for the most part-but there are a few things that stick in me that I never quite get over.
Being insulted by a certain know it all and his whole "she's a LIBERAL" comment.
The knowledge that I was used as a shoulder to cry on, used for comfort because the person they really wanted wasn't there and then just sort of dropped.
Having a guy-who is older than me by three years and thinks himself so mature-make faces, stupid gestures and make fun of me behind my back when I go and visit my old college.
That's just to name a few. I think my problem is that, a long time ago I would say what I wanted, tell people how I really felt, etc. Now I just sit back and let them talk about me and stay silent, as though that is the greater thing for me to do, as though I will feel better about saying nothing. The thing is? I don't. I want to talk about those things I remember and say things to those people, tell them how it made me feel; even if they don't care. I think I really want to fight them. I think I want to slap them or punch them and yell and cry because it HURT but I'm tough-or at least I make myself out to be-so I don't cry and I don't show them how hurt I am because they'll only hurt me more afte seeing my vulnerability. None of them will ever read this livejournal entry I'm sure so:
You hurt me; plain and simple. Whether you were my friend or just the friend of a friend, your actions hurt me. It made me angry to realise that I was used or that you had insulted me or that you seemed to think so little of what I TRULY believe. I want to hit you until you understand how much you hurt me. I want to call you names, curse you, etc. I won't though because I want to be tough and so I'll just sit back and stay silent and fume for the rest of my life. Happy?
Its not as fulfilling as I wanted it to be. It never is. It never, never is.