When Just Being Here Isn't Good Enough.
I am coming to learn that life takes more than positive thinking.
Walking around his campus thinking "I will not leave him here" didn't keep me from leaving him there.
Just like thinking about him kissing me doesn't result in kisses.
And expecting for an apartment and job to happen along doesn't bring them.
Waiting for my phone to ring and provide plans doesn't always lead to nights away from this basement.
And even when it does, its not because of my repetitive thoughts.
Mantras don't bring anything other than calm.
But that calm is a joke.
Its only the calm of expecting things to happen later.
Which never comes true when time is spent thinking instead of acting.
Sometimes I just want to start over.
Walking around his campus thinking "I will not leave him here" didn't keep me from leaving him there.
Just like thinking about him kissing me doesn't result in kisses.
And expecting for an apartment and job to happen along doesn't bring them.
Waiting for my phone to ring and provide plans doesn't always lead to nights away from this basement.
And even when it does, its not because of my repetitive thoughts.
Mantras don't bring anything other than calm.
But that calm is a joke.
Its only the calm of expecting things to happen later.
Which never comes true when time is spent thinking instead of acting.
Sometimes I just want to start over.