keeping too much inside
"I was already in a bad mood, and you said something I didn't understand while I was watching something. When I asked again, you said the same thing. And then, do you know I really dislike people who give the look or say to me something like, 'What do you mean you don't know, you're the one watching the show right?' "
"But still, can't you say it in a nicer way?"
"I am already-"
I quickly went away after that, because tears were welling up already. It was the first time that I felt my eyebrows so tensed until they pushed each other so forcefully. No matter how much I tried to relax, they were still that way, as if trying to let out my pain through that way. Tears were already flowing out, so the only thing I know to do next was to isolate myself, so that nobody can see me crying.
Most times when I cry, especially on the 11th of August, last Tuesday, I ask myself;
Since when did I become this weak?
I didn't cry this easily last time. Now, even though when something really petty happen, and even I myself isn't affected by it, physically, tears suddenly start to flow down, and emotionally, though it started with this-doesn't-affect me, it soon changed to pain, causing more tears to flow. When did I become this weak? When? Thinking aback, maybe it started from that incident. To me, that incident was one of the biggest things that changed my life in these 16 years of living.
I was maybe around 11; young, immature, and at the peak of my interest towards animes. I am usually those people who can't really keep my interest or happiness towards/from something, inside me, so I'll usually spread it around by telling my friends. You can say that it was a really bad time, but my friends gave me a really negative response towards my interest at that time. Not like I don't like animes now, it was just that, I was a lot more into them at that time, but my friends gave me that;
"What? Animes again?"
"You and your animes."
And some others which I have forgotten about. The thing which affected me were not the replies they gave me, but their look of disgust most of the times when I told them about it. Some of them would even ignore me and shrug me off. Being so young with my world still so small, I felt isolated. I felt that I was alone, because no one I knew at that time liked animes as much as I did. I didn't really know how to use the internet at that time, so I didn't know of forums like AnimePaper and the sort where you can get to meet people like yourself over there. Thinking aback, if I was to know of things like that last time, I don't think that season would've changed me this much.
Feeling isolated, I felt really alone, which made me talk less to people, and maybe that was what made me this way...this quiet towards new people and all. After discovering the first forum I ever knew of; AnimePaper, I finally met people who were like me, people who shared the same interest as me, but, I could no longer talk to them as I used to. When they talked to me about animes, I didn't have that same enthusiastic feeling when there was a topic about animes. I then felt that, I was the one different, I thought of myself as those friends who gave me those responses, because, that me at that time couldn't give back the same enthusiasm. I felt slightly isolated from the crowd, and I am still like this now.
Soon after came a phase of where I thought that no one understands me. Too many people were saying hurtful things to me, too many people were giving the replies I didn't want them to give, too many people then didn't give me the comfort I needed when I was so...so in need of it. I think that was the second step which led me to how weak I am now. I knew God was there, I knew He was, but I have yet to hear His voice, I have yet to feel him embracing me. By knowing that someone was there for me wasn't enough, I guess?
After that, a friend of mine started letting out all her anger on me by sending me hate letters which I didn't ask for. She hated me for things which she thought I did. I never did those things in those ways which she said in that letter, those ways, were just the ways she remembered me doing; the memories which were altered by her own mind. Receiving all her anger almost everyday, I kept it inside me. I only cried about twice in that phase, because I was using all my strength to stop the tears, and keep strong. Keep strong and forgive her for all the anger she's passing onto me, forgive her for all the pain she's giving me. That phase...I am actually quite thankful for it, since it thought me how to forgive easily, it thought me how to be a better person by trying my best not to become like her. But, I guess it had its negative effects; it was the third step.
With all those things added together, with my past life like that, soon after the said-third step, I did not have control over my tears when I told others of painful things, of things which made me angry. Each time I shared it with anybody, even though I was sharing just one, it felt like all my other pains was also held in that one pain/anger, it felt like they all were resting on my shoulders, and so I'll usually cry when I told someone. I am even having tears now when I am typing this.
I don't know how big this seems to you all, but adding all of these together, they were one of my most painful moments, and most probably the reasons of why I cry so easily now.
Since last time, isolating myself, keeping all of my pains and anger inside myself, inside this heart of mine alone, not letting anybody else know, I became this weak. This is my conclusion of the reasons which made me this weak when I have asked myself numerous times; When?