desperation
I need help
a lot of it
and I don't know where to go or what to do if anything at all but I'm ripping myself apart inside. I feel desperate. I feel terribly alone and isolated, desolate. decimated.
depressed. drastic. lots of d words. damned sometimes feels appropriate.
every single thought continues to tear at my very being... mom, other important people, job stuff, relationships.. nothing is working out and ... sometimes it feels like I'm not worth it for these things to go smoothly. like I'm no good for any of it. jobs can get better people... people can get better people than me. and god knows how horrible of a girlfriend I am, and a pretty shitty regular friend at that.
I don't feel that glimmer of hope like in that post a little over a month ago.. it's been shattered to the ground and all these awful feelings have been resurfacing lately... anticipation, insomnia, restlessness, anxiety... god, so much anxiety but little to quell it... barely any pills left and no insurance to cover a new prescription... or a doctor visit to check for PCOS or to just crack open my skull and see what the hell is wrong with me... or just keep it open and leave me there. Sometimes that sounds like the best route, though likely less gruesome. And the absence of a resolute "no I'd never do that" inside me is troubling. A silent sleep.
Beats the hell out of this anxiety and lack of direction. My life & moral compass died almost a year ago and lies in Westhampton Memorial Park now. Merely left with a house that's empty most of the time aside from myself and just the cushioning of my bed beneath me and nobody to share it or sit beside me and comfort me while I break down like this at 5:30AM. I don't have the strength to gather myself alone.
I just need help...