(no subject)
warning: this post contains much school talk and self-reflection type stuff, and is also kind of long.
So I've totally been stressing myself out the past few days because my ethnicity prof. posted our grades for the midterm and it said I got a 50, on the syllubus it says the midterm is worth 100 points so obveously a 50 is not acceptable. I thought maybe he'd lost my essay or something and I've just been freaking out absolutely convinced that I was going to fail the class. then I went to see him today and it turns our that the score didn't include my essay and I actually did fine and am not failing at all. I really need to learn to not worry so much about these things, I keep saying how I'm being lazy and putting things off and not trying as hard as I should and I keep claiming that I don't care if I get a C or not. but when I'm faced with a real C I completely loose it. I think the problem is a lack of a safty net. if I've got an A then I'd have to screw up big time to fail the class and have to give back my grant money, but if I get a C, then a little screw up could make me fail and have to give back the grant money. (which, given the current economic situation, is just about my worst nightmare, right up there between being late for school and being late for work, I know my fears are completely neurotic and irrational and my priorities are seriously messed up).
In other news, grandpa and merriyn are staying with us again while their RV is being worked on. mom's in utah for riche-boy's wedding. dad was supposed to go too but he had too much work to do so he stayed home. I wanted to go too but I've got a couple of papers to write this weekend and a midterm to study for in addition to being navigator for tabi's mom on the sf trip this weekend so I couldn't go to the wedding. I'll have to meet his bride next time we head back to utah. so yeah, that's pretty much it lately, work and school and that's it as usual. have I mentioned lately that I can't wait to finish school already? it's less than a year away now... by fanime next year I'll be done. we'll have to go, it'll be a great way to celebrate never having to write a research paper again (unless the credential program requires research papers...)
merrilyn asked about my graduation and was suprised when I told her how soon it was coming up, she said she'd have to get me a big present for graduation, I told her she didn't need to, we wont even go to the ceremony (cause it's a waste of time and booring too) and she said they'd get one anyway because it's a big accomplishment and grandparents like to see their grandkids make plans for the future and all that, that not enough of them have. I started thinking about it and realized that none of my cousins on my mom's side have gone to anything more than a community college and none of them have any degrees yet (I don't think anyway).
it's weird, I've never really thought about what I'm doing, I'm just going to school because it felt like the natural thing to do. I want to teach and I have to go to school to do that. But I forget so often that there are so many people who don't go to college, either for lack of motivation or for lack of economic means. It makes me think I shouldn't complain so much about being burnt out and sick of school because I'm actually lucky to have the oppertunity. but then I think of my parents too, my mom never got any degrees, my dad just got an AS in business, they had the economic means to go to school but didn't and I wonder if part of my motivation for going is because I see what they do for a living and I don't want that life. I don't want to kill myself at the post office like mom, or be so uncertain of what I'm doing next and get tied up in one get rich quick idea after another like my dad. I crave stability, I've always needed a plan, I make lists in my sleep and I have a serious need to be in control of my life. I have a really hard time with being spontaneous beyond daily activities like going to a movie or going to lunch or whatever...
Anyway, I don't much know where I was going with all this but I guess I just needed to ramble for a while. I think I'm done now. night.