The rubble of a nice day
I love my parents. I do. But right now, I would quite like it if I could somehow be accidentally seriously injured, so that they’d get the heck over themselves.
It was a good day until just before dinner, really. New manga, more tea, less headache, more writing.
Then, right before dinner, my beloved parents decided to argue over something bloody stupid, and Mum stormed out. Two minutes and a calming breath later, Dad followed her. Which, ok, is not nice, but fair enough. Until it turned out that neither of them had their phones. So they were both out in the dark without their glasses or proper shoes, like complete idiots.
Mum came back after about 5 minutes, but then refused to help me go and look for Dad. She could’ve driven us around nice and quick and we’d have found him in no time. But she wouldn’t, the selfish woman. And Dad, the moron, had stormed off without a thought or his phone, and probably wouldn’t come home on his own until/unless he was sure that Mum was back.
So. After 8 in the evening, I ended up pounding the pavements near our house to find him.
When I return, I get a lecture about how going off in the dark on my own, even if I am an adult, is dangerous.
As you might imagine, I lost it SPECTACULARLY. Screaming, shouting, swearing, the full works.
I mean, I know that they’re going to argue because it’s the end of the month before payday and, well, they’ve been together too long NOT to argue sometime. I also know that it’s none of my business.
But when they both fuck off in varying states of fury, upset and distress? Yeah. THEN it is very much my business.
I was worried, ok? I know they’re MY parents, but I can’t cope with this sort of thing right now. I’m trying to handle everything and find ways of keeping busy and not just remaining in bed all day. I’m trying HARD guys, I know it sounds bigheaded and daft, but I really am. And I keep fucking up and falling over, but I’m trying.
But that feeling of panic? It wasn’t even about what if something happened to them or this built into something, as much as those were (and are, considering they still haven’t pulled their heads out of their arses) concerns. My hands were shaking and my mind was blank and I WASN’T PREPARED FOR THIS SHIT. I was worried about me the most, because if something did happen or if they didn’t come back that night or they came back but were still all angry or whatever else, I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. I wouldn’t know where to start sorting it out.
Basically, much as they’re driving me entirely insane with the pressure and the pushing and the constant questions, I need them to be secure at the moment. And it’s horrible and selfish and I hate that I’m using them like that, but they’re my parents and they’re my safe harbour for now. They’re like Point A. But if Point A starts shifting or collapsing, I’m either going to get dragged in or lost as all hell trying to make it to Point B.
I’m sorry. It’s such a silly little thing, honestly. But it threw me for a loop. I didn’t like it.
Still, I’m sorry for the rant and ramble. I’m just so furious with them. They would never forgive me if I had done that to them, and they think that just because I’m the youngest I’m not entitled to be angry or worried.
Sorry, guys.
I hope you’re all doing ok, darlings. Love you.