You just can't stay sad in a yellow room
The funeral went well. It was a really lovely service. I have to admit that I half expected to have Zoe flashbacks and a breakdown - I've been lucky enough that hers is the only other funeral I've been to - but I was quite ok
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Zoe is, was, a very dear friend of mine. I first got to know her in primary school, after I moved up to Leeds from London. She, Kirsty and I became best friends. We were VERY close. Both meant the world to me.
When we went into high school we had a massive argument which ended with them more popular and still friends, and me, well, on my own. For a long time. But after about a year and a half, Kirsty and Zoe started to argue and she started to be my friend again. Soon enough we were pretty much best friends again and after a little while longer things got sorted out with Kirsty.
I actually used Zoe as the model for my Portraiture pice at GCSE art - I did it in the style of Art Nouveau. About half way into me doing that, she was diagnosed with cancer. I was rather psychotically obsessive about getting the painting perfect after that. I still see it as the greatest piece of work I've ever done. Maybe I am seeing it through tinted glasses, but still. Anyway. Zoe worked really hard and did her GCSEs anyway, and the first year of A-Levels. At that point, I was probably her closest friend, as I was the only other one who wasn't going out every other evening to gigs and clubs. I went over t her house every few evenings, helped her through school, took her to reception to wait for taxis, everything.
Honestly, I have to confess that I was a bit IN love with her as well as just loving her as a friend. Probably had been for a while and just didn't notice. She had a boyfriend though. Yeah. That was fun. Although, so did I for the last couple of months before she was declared in remission. He asked, seemed nice, I was sick of falling for people who would never feel the same for me.
A couple of months later, the cancer was back and terminal. At the start, I was there for her as much as I could be, although I had a summer/autumn cold so I couldn't visit much. I called, texted and took round treats and things for her. Then she went on holiday. We said she'd text me when she was back. No text came. I texted her a few times, then figured she was cross with me, busy or something, y'know? I figured she'd reply when she had chance. But she didn't, and didn't, and didn't. Eventually, it just drifted to the background in my mind. Still there, but not priority 1, where it should've been. I was too absorbed in my studies, and uni prep, and boyfriend. Then Kisty told me Zoe's phone was broken - she'd never recieved my texts. So I meant to call.
Either I ws busy, or it was too late at night, or I was too scared she'd be angry about how long it'd been. I kept telling myself I'd call the next night.
She died before I got my fucking act together.
She probably thought I forgot about her. I didn't. I swear to God I didn't. But it must've felt that way to her. Kirsty said she told her what'd happened with my texting her and everything - probably to let her know it was the same as with her and get her to be less annoyed when I got through. But I don't KNOW that.
She was one of my best friends for 12 years, and I let her down terribly.
The funeral was awful. I was just about hysterical. Constant sobbing. I still shy away from the Lion King (she had "Circle of Life" played) and always have to listen and, if possible, sing aong to "Build Me Up Buttercup" (that too, plus there are multiple memories with that).
So, yeah. That's that story.
Sorry! You probably didn't want or need to know all the pathetic ins and outs!
But, yes. Thinking of her breaks my heart. I can't forgive myself, even though I know she would.
Geh, I'm just a bit useless!
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You hit the nail on the head right at the end though hunny, she would forgive you. Has forgiven you, and in time you will learn to do the same. Just because you never phoned does not mean you didn't think of her, and she will know this.
You were a very good friend to her and she will be aware of just how much she meant to you.
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Thank you so much. Really truly.
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