Proof that I'm a screw up, and a meme. (I'll understand if you skip straight to the meme. =] )
Well, I promised an update, so an update there shall be, now that I'm feeling a little less shell-shocked. But it's probably going to end up being me venting, so feel free to turn back now... Sorry guys...
I went in to the doctor's this morning, actually. I didn't tell my Mum I had an appointment because I didn't want her to worry about it... I'm going to have to have a chat with Ali and see what she thinks I should do. Mum's already had Victoria slashing her arms up and going through counselling. I don't think she could handle me turning out to be clinically depressed as well. She'll blame herself, I fucking well know she will, and Dad will be even worse.
The doctor was nice to me, I guess. I mean, I was nervous as anything so I think I probably came across worse than I am, maybe, but I tried to answer everything she wanted to know honestly, and I said that I'm quite introverted anyway, so my avoidance of other people isn't such a massive change... And I'm pretty certain that it's almost every day that I feel bad. I'm not sure that I always feel bad for the whole day, but quite often it just won't go away, and even on good days I tend to have episodes of it.
I guess I'm terrified that, well, "did I lie?" I don't think I did... But then I knew I needed the doctor's note from her, so I was a bit stressed... But I think back to the checklist, and I'm sure that my answers were accurate, even factoring that in!
I really didn't think it was that bad. I mean, clinically depressed people aren't happy. They aren't. I have a lot of bad days, yes, and about, hmm, 80% (?) of the time I hate myself and have regrets and guilt and self-hatred and all sorts of other fun things swishing around in my head, but I have good days too. Sometimes I'm really, genuinely happy!
But there was a chart, and no matter how I looked at it, "nearly every day" means "nearly every day". And ok, so I have done the whole thinking about self-harm thing, but I've always talked myself down. And to be perfectly honest I am a screw up and I have let my family down, so of course I think about that! I can be a fucking horrible person! Okay, so it tends to stay in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that I can be just awful within that head of mine when I'm in a bad mood. I tell lies sometimes too! I try not to, but sometimes when my parents are or will be angry or something like that, I do! I have good reason to have an inferiority complex! I have good reason to hate myself sometimes, to wish I was someone else! And I know that that sounds bad, but I have reasons, so it’s not just irrational emotions!
I guess… Honestly? I'm just really quite scared.
I shouldn't be. I know that I have good days. I know that everything I said was accurate - that it's improving but still at a low point. I know that just because it sounds so much worse now that it’s labelled like that, the situation hasn’t really changed much for it.
Besides… What about getting a job? I don’t know about the rest of the world, but here in the UK they ask if you’ve had “any mental health issues, such as depression or stress” on the applications. I don’t want to have to lie so that I can get a job. I certainly don’t want to be popping pills at lunch times or anything when I’ve (as is inevitable if I take these things) forgotten to do so that morning.
I don't want to take those pills. I can't have alcohol with them; I can’t even have my Valerian tea with them! No alcohol, no chocolate, no nice drugged tea... *laughs* I really did choose the worst time to quit chocolate, huh?
Best part?
Listed under "Possible side-effects" of these pills;
"Suicide attempts."
...
What the fucking hell?! I'm not freaking suicidal in the slightest (I mean, I hate myself, but I don't want to fucking KILL myself) and these pills might make me that way?! I'm thinking I may refuse to take these. I mean, I know the doctor said that they're safe and everything, and apparently they're pretty often prescribed, but no way am I taking something that's going to make me start slashing my wrists to pieces, fuck no!
Besides, isn’t that sort of thing what they’re supposed to prevent?
Brain chemistry is a delicate thing. I don’t want to go taking a chance with mine, even if it’s a little screwy to start with.
So, umm, that's where I am right now. I'm not sure if I'm being rational or messing about in Egypt but, yeah. There we go. Sorry for the flist spam, that really was just a rant...
AH! I can tag the meme on? Then it's not all pointless rubbish.
Okay, I saw this on jenwryn's first, but tierfal's done it too.
What would your own album look like if you were in a band? Follow the directions below and find out...
1) Go to Wikipedia. Hit "Random
".
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2) Go to Quotations Page and select "Random Quotations
".
The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.
3) Go to Flickr and click on "Explore the Last Seven Days
".
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.
4) Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together.
5) Re-post this on your journal and tag your friends!
6) RESULT:
I'm not going to tag people - as always, just do it if you feel like it. =]
There, now there is a point to this. =D
Okay, I'm going to go and have my last Valerian tea ( DX ) and get some sleep.