I am a stupid girl
two years! Time flies :)
summary -thing are good now. mason and I ar e in a good place, after much trial and error, and frankly, I went back to work full time in December. I'm now bringing in a paycheck comparable to his, so I feel like we are on equal footing there. Plus, he moved out for the summer, adn it was oh so excellent. now, usually I am scarcastic, but I am not. It was so incredible, that I told my mom that I wanted to do it every summer!
So, this time last year, he was already moved out for two weeks. that first month was hard - but after that - he moved back in September - it was great. Mason came over in the am before work to take care of William and so I could sleep in til 8:30-9, and was back in the evening after work to take care of william. Then, when William went to bed, I got to go to the gym or out with friends, and got a break. I lost a LOT of weight -finally back to my prepregnancy weight!! I feel great, and can wear a size 6 no problem anymore. My boobs are still huge, so it's a miracle if I fit into a small top anymore. Have to get medium just so it will cover my tummy (boobs lift them up). its' funny, but sad too.
anyway, so he moved back in September after both of our consideration, and it's been great since. I really feel like I have the old mason back, my husband, and things are strong.
so, now you see why I am such a stupid girl, because I am hopeful. I think I am an eternal optimist - or rather a realist with very simple needs. so yes, we are talking about having another. mason is on board with the idea, so am i.
however, the last post is still nagging me. how can I not listen to myself??? maybe it's different times, maybe it's just a new place in the cycle. I don't know. But, I can't live my life thinking "what if". I just have to do what is right now. if we do have a second, adn ultimately get divorced, I think we will be ok. we have at the center of our lives our child, and that will never change. As always though, I hope it never gets to that, and I am sad to think I even have to account for it. but, I do.
so, how do I really feel about having another? blah. Like I told mason, I think I just want him to be on board with it, so I can decide when and if it will happen. now that he's given his ok that he wants anohter too (if only to give William a sibling) I am quite hesitant. I was in SD for Alexa's bridal shower this weekend and I was ovulating, and I was so thrilled not be home and be at risk of getting pregnant. weird huh?
and, when I visited Jessica and Cordell and their beautiful miracle Aubrey, I was enchanted by the baby and had such heartache that I could not be with william -but the clear feeling that I could absolutely love another! but, still, where would Ihave time to give to William AND this future question child? who knows, but I guess that gets figured out.
so many people at work are pregnant, and Steve and Beth are also. so close to home - everywhere- work home on the street. I expect to feel an urgency to be pregnant myself, but I don't. I'd like a bio child, but I just dont' want to be pregant. I know I could truly love a non-bio child too - maybe that will be better. ah I am just rambling - you can tell that I dont' have a definative thought on this.
I wish Adam and Adi would also get pregnant too. I love being an aunt, and feel that more cousins could curb my feelings of needing a second.
but, on the other hand, if it did happen, I certainly want it to be a different course than last time. every ounce of my being for a year and more was put into having William, getting pregant. he was SO WANTED> SO DESIRED. but it was miserable - the waiting, the disappointment every month with BFNs. Then, with the fighting and stress and the circumstances aroudn his birth and health - I just can't do it again.
if I were to get pregant, it would be the lazy way. the surpise - cool if ti happens, who cares if it doesn't . then, the pregnancy will be just about remembering to take my vitamins. I am determined not to care if I have a miscarriage, but I dont' want a preemie birth. I want a a full term birth. I need to have it for my healing. I just want a second child the easy way this time. this second child will be my closure, my restored hope.
William, my dear strong smart loving boy - can break me to pieces with just a smile or a tear. everything that he does or says is still colored by the glare of his difficult begining. One day, when he can speak in full sentences and understand complex thing (he's only two!!) we will talk about it, I will share it, adn he will tell me that it's ok. I live for that.
ok, boy did I go on a lot of tangents. that was good to get out.
summary -thing are good now. mason and I ar e in a good place, after much trial and error, and frankly, I went back to work full time in December. I'm now bringing in a paycheck comparable to his, so I feel like we are on equal footing there. Plus, he moved out for the summer, adn it was oh so excellent. now, usually I am scarcastic, but I am not. It was so incredible, that I told my mom that I wanted to do it every summer!
So, this time last year, he was already moved out for two weeks. that first month was hard - but after that - he moved back in September - it was great. Mason came over in the am before work to take care of William and so I could sleep in til 8:30-9, and was back in the evening after work to take care of william. Then, when William went to bed, I got to go to the gym or out with friends, and got a break. I lost a LOT of weight -finally back to my prepregnancy weight!! I feel great, and can wear a size 6 no problem anymore. My boobs are still huge, so it's a miracle if I fit into a small top anymore. Have to get medium just so it will cover my tummy (boobs lift them up). its' funny, but sad too.
anyway, so he moved back in September after both of our consideration, and it's been great since. I really feel like I have the old mason back, my husband, and things are strong.
so, now you see why I am such a stupid girl, because I am hopeful. I think I am an eternal optimist - or rather a realist with very simple needs. so yes, we are talking about having another. mason is on board with the idea, so am i.
however, the last post is still nagging me. how can I not listen to myself??? maybe it's different times, maybe it's just a new place in the cycle. I don't know. But, I can't live my life thinking "what if". I just have to do what is right now. if we do have a second, adn ultimately get divorced, I think we will be ok. we have at the center of our lives our child, and that will never change. As always though, I hope it never gets to that, and I am sad to think I even have to account for it. but, I do.
so, how do I really feel about having another? blah. Like I told mason, I think I just want him to be on board with it, so I can decide when and if it will happen. now that he's given his ok that he wants anohter too (if only to give William a sibling) I am quite hesitant. I was in SD for Alexa's bridal shower this weekend and I was ovulating, and I was so thrilled not be home and be at risk of getting pregnant. weird huh?
and, when I visited Jessica and Cordell and their beautiful miracle Aubrey, I was enchanted by the baby and had such heartache that I could not be with william -but the clear feeling that I could absolutely love another! but, still, where would Ihave time to give to William AND this future question child? who knows, but I guess that gets figured out.
so many people at work are pregnant, and Steve and Beth are also. so close to home - everywhere- work home on the street. I expect to feel an urgency to be pregnant myself, but I don't. I'd like a bio child, but I just dont' want to be pregant. I know I could truly love a non-bio child too - maybe that will be better. ah I am just rambling - you can tell that I dont' have a definative thought on this.
I wish Adam and Adi would also get pregnant too. I love being an aunt, and feel that more cousins could curb my feelings of needing a second.
but, on the other hand, if it did happen, I certainly want it to be a different course than last time. every ounce of my being for a year and more was put into having William, getting pregant. he was SO WANTED> SO DESIRED. but it was miserable - the waiting, the disappointment every month with BFNs. Then, with the fighting and stress and the circumstances aroudn his birth and health - I just can't do it again.
if I were to get pregant, it would be the lazy way. the surpise - cool if ti happens, who cares if it doesn't . then, the pregnancy will be just about remembering to take my vitamins. I am determined not to care if I have a miscarriage, but I dont' want a preemie birth. I want a a full term birth. I need to have it for my healing. I just want a second child the easy way this time. this second child will be my closure, my restored hope.
William, my dear strong smart loving boy - can break me to pieces with just a smile or a tear. everything that he does or says is still colored by the glare of his difficult begining. One day, when he can speak in full sentences and understand complex thing (he's only two!!) we will talk about it, I will share it, adn he will tell me that it's ok. I live for that.
ok, boy did I go on a lot of tangents. that was good to get out.