funny the difference a year makes
a lot has happened since I posted last - to recap - mason and I stayed together, bonded by the strength of our love for our son, William, who was born 4 months early in February of this year. He just came home from the hospital three weeks ago and we've been adjusting to home life with a baby ever since. it hasn't been easy.
as for me and mason, I am not sure what will happen with us. it's been a very hard year with all of William;s medical needs and really no time to focus on our relationship. I still am at a crossroads with it - I mean, I just want a normal loving relationship and I have grave doubts as to whether or not I will get it. here's the thing - I love him. if I didn't I would have run off long ago when all this shit started. But i do, and I promised that i would stick by him in good times and bad - and we definately have our bad times testing us. it has been a long, rocky road, and I am getting tired. lately I have been watching a lot of Discovery Health shows on babies - it's such a mixed bag for me - I've always loved the romantic notion of bringing a baby into this world - the pregnancy, the birth, the baby, the family afterwards - but I feel like I have been robbed of all those things. My pregnacy was complicated by bleeding, nausea, and a husband who was cheating on me and making me feel like shit the entire time I was pregnant - so much so that I seriously considered abortion. my birth experience was terrifing - 16 weeks early - 5 months and 22 days of NICU, surgeries, and health issues for my sweet William, and now the aftermath of that at home - and a family life that is coming apart at the seams with every mood swing my husband has. where is the romance? where is the happiness? where are the loving words and compliments on jobs well done?
the only bright spot in this is William. he is an amazing little boy to make it though so well after going through so much. even so, I am sad to say he stresses me out too. I am constantly worried about his development - his growth, his motor skills, his eyes, everything. the only thing I feel like I have mastered is changing his diaper -I have't gotten peed on in a week and I found a way to get rid of his diaper rash. small victories. however, I just can't enjoy him like I wanted to. I am always worried about his g tube, his feedings, his medicines - god i just can't rest. I can't take him out in public either because he is hooked up to his feedings or too many germs. this winter scares the hell out of me with worry that he is going to get cold and end up back in the hospital.
i find time to escape from taking care of him when mason is home or the nurse is here. do I feel like a bad mom - absolutely. do I care? no otherwise I'd go insane. i just really want to get back to work - where I am good at what I do and have control over something. I am just falling to pieces now. i really should be enjoying this time not working, but this is the hardest thing i've ever done.
as for me and mason, I am not sure what will happen with us. it's been a very hard year with all of William;s medical needs and really no time to focus on our relationship. I still am at a crossroads with it - I mean, I just want a normal loving relationship and I have grave doubts as to whether or not I will get it. here's the thing - I love him. if I didn't I would have run off long ago when all this shit started. But i do, and I promised that i would stick by him in good times and bad - and we definately have our bad times testing us. it has been a long, rocky road, and I am getting tired. lately I have been watching a lot of Discovery Health shows on babies - it's such a mixed bag for me - I've always loved the romantic notion of bringing a baby into this world - the pregnancy, the birth, the baby, the family afterwards - but I feel like I have been robbed of all those things. My pregnacy was complicated by bleeding, nausea, and a husband who was cheating on me and making me feel like shit the entire time I was pregnant - so much so that I seriously considered abortion. my birth experience was terrifing - 16 weeks early - 5 months and 22 days of NICU, surgeries, and health issues for my sweet William, and now the aftermath of that at home - and a family life that is coming apart at the seams with every mood swing my husband has. where is the romance? where is the happiness? where are the loving words and compliments on jobs well done?
the only bright spot in this is William. he is an amazing little boy to make it though so well after going through so much. even so, I am sad to say he stresses me out too. I am constantly worried about his development - his growth, his motor skills, his eyes, everything. the only thing I feel like I have mastered is changing his diaper -I have't gotten peed on in a week and I found a way to get rid of his diaper rash. small victories. however, I just can't enjoy him like I wanted to. I am always worried about his g tube, his feedings, his medicines - god i just can't rest. I can't take him out in public either because he is hooked up to his feedings or too many germs. this winter scares the hell out of me with worry that he is going to get cold and end up back in the hospital.
i find time to escape from taking care of him when mason is home or the nurse is here. do I feel like a bad mom - absolutely. do I care? no otherwise I'd go insane. i just really want to get back to work - where I am good at what I do and have control over something. I am just falling to pieces now. i really should be enjoying this time not working, but this is the hardest thing i've ever done.