Grow The Fuck Up
No song lyrics, I'm not in the mood at 1:15 AM as i've just woken up. I can't sleep much - I never got to bed at 8 AM and I said to myself, 'Amira, go to bed early, you'll wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world.' I woke up at 12:30 bored as shit with too much on my mind. I'm not even tired, which is the largest slap in the face so I'll be wandering around for a couple of hours, sick and tired of the four walls. I'd love to go for a little walk at this time of night but it's not currently an option...
I'm just a little tired of myself. I'm shy, cautious, paranoid, lacking in a persistent confidence, an, at least vaguely, unwavering cheerful disposition, among other things. It's like pulling teeth, pulling skin off of skin - it's this very unclenching feeling of being disingenious to yourself. It's so goddamn tiring... Too afraid to say hello, even. To afraid to ask a question, the fear of not getting a response, of being possibly ignored is more alive than the beating of my own heart. But, me? I'm sensitive, this identity crisis of sorts was truly brought on by my preference to saying "hope you had a good day," as opposed to "Did you have a good day?" And maybe, to most people this means nothing, is an indication of nothing, but I am me and everything I do is calculated to protect my precious, dull, fragile ego. I don't want to be fragile, though. I don't like it and in most cases, I'm not fragile. I get insulted, I get bothered and I bounce backk in.. say 30 minutes? But, today, I still protect myself as if I'm a little glass ornament. I wait for approach while under the delusion I control something other than my frigid feet.
There's really not much worse than delusion of ones actions... You end up doing nothing.
You miss out. You are, unintentionally, being dishonest. You slow things down. I'm just... so dissatisfied with my behavior.
I'm just a little tired of myself. I'm shy, cautious, paranoid, lacking in a persistent confidence, an, at least vaguely, unwavering cheerful disposition, among other things. It's like pulling teeth, pulling skin off of skin - it's this very unclenching feeling of being disingenious to yourself. It's so goddamn tiring... Too afraid to say hello, even. To afraid to ask a question, the fear of not getting a response, of being possibly ignored is more alive than the beating of my own heart. But, me? I'm sensitive, this identity crisis of sorts was truly brought on by my preference to saying "hope you had a good day," as opposed to "Did you have a good day?" And maybe, to most people this means nothing, is an indication of nothing, but I am me and everything I do is calculated to protect my precious, dull, fragile ego. I don't want to be fragile, though. I don't like it and in most cases, I'm not fragile. I get insulted, I get bothered and I bounce backk in.. say 30 minutes? But, today, I still protect myself as if I'm a little glass ornament. I wait for approach while under the delusion I control something other than my frigid feet.
There's really not much worse than delusion of ones actions... You end up doing nothing.
You miss out. You are, unintentionally, being dishonest. You slow things down. I'm just... so dissatisfied with my behavior.