Chapter 1 of whatever
I made a post earlier stating I would continue and so I am, but more so from the beginning. In all honesty, I'm socially inadequate. I question what to do with my hands, my legs, and spine - my words can come out in a jumble, hurried, rushed, and altogether difficult to understand even for the most interested of listeners. My success in being perceived as even remotely charming comes from an inherent innocence and, to be blunt, shred of insanity. But in honesty, I didn't realize this until a few days ago when it was pointed out to me by someone I'm currently pursuing.
During a sexual encounter, I giggled. I don't have many sexual encounters so I was unaware that this was strange - he pointed out that he liked it, while simultaneously poking fun at the fact it made it seem like I was bizarre or crazy. Generally, no one wants to even speak to the crazy person but I think in this instance, as with many others, the fact that I'm generally quiet and well-mannered, just the suggestion of there being some break from my character to be alluring to many. I recall it's not the first time men have commented on the quality.
But more on to the point. I've been trying to work on cultivating myself to be, generally, more charismatic and using the unconscious points of attraction consciously, while gaining more. For the moment this journal will chronicle my expeditions in attempting this, my observations, and of course, the recounting of my pursuing of a man, whom, we'll call Dreamer.
I spent so much of my time doing nonsense to captivate him, honestly and I notice that in the moments I spent only a trifle of time on thinking of what to do, those were what lingered. As an example, there was one night where he solicited me to speak to him and I did what any girl what do - I paced around my bedroom, happily, before replying. Because I have too many feelings. And after that was done, I offhandedly made a comment that I would enjoy meeting with him and it would just be a moment so I could change clothes since I'd just gotten in. Flick forward to our meeting and he makes a short comment and joke about my remark on changing - whereas, I was only changing out of my awful “just going down the street to get my mail” clothes, he took it to mean I was changing from having a night out and was visibly displeased at the suggestion.
And here we have - the power of suggestion. I think this is the most important thing. As a woman with anxiety, I know all about the power of suggestion. Many of us do since we succumb to it daily. Someone looks at you, even just briefly, and I turn into a self-conscious bubble, wondering what part of my face or outfit was so horrible. A look suggestions judgment, and due to my mind being negative already, I jump to that conclusion. That, perhaps, can be the trouble with suggestion in some people, but I believe the unease is helpful to cultivate a desire. Have you ever felt desire without a sense of unease? Think back to high school crushes - I don't believe that should be shaken off. I want to seduce to bring a man into being a teenager, to having a beating pulse.
I digress.
Today marks the first day I actually begin attempting to seduce someone I'm very much interested in. Dreamer is odd, to say the least. A joker but a tense one, peppered with insecurities. I've dubbed him Dreamer due to the fact, for the moment, I've pegged him as one, of course. He's a hard worker, fixed in a routine and he has his entire life planned out - he has an idea of what he wants but is so jaded and cynical from the reality of things. I like him a lot, he's rather sensitive and unexpectedly, at that. I do hope we can get together later on tonight and I'll likely make a little post about that.
Xoxo gossip girl.
I've never watched that, I just thought it'd be funny to put that there.