let's see how long before i delete this one
two days ago i listened to scotty dies and laughed for the first time in awhile. then i felt that it was spring and almost felt like maybe going outside the following day. then i found out the other half of that was moving to this side of the country again.
before that,
i drove around downtown with charley for the first time in at least 6 months and had to look at all the things i was never apart of and never will be apart of. hihii tried to step onto the sidewalk to get food, but couldn't do it and had to get back in the car and be taken back here
where i was greeted by the devil.
if there's no other release,
it gets forced out.
and you'd better believe that it's fucking painful.
later on a boy broke my heart (yes, i'm talking about you) more than once.
i'm sure he doesn't mean to, though.
blah.
doesn't make it any easier.
i tried making two different tapes and gave up after 5 songs.
this morning i woke up at 7am to do my usual scratching and somehow forced myself to put lotion on and stop the scratching.
i still have a couple of new stinging spots, but it could have been worse.
so where's the parade?
my back hurts extremely bad in the upper right area.
it's because i sit on this box all day with my right hand up all awkward on the mouse.
what do i do here all day you wonder?
seriously, nothing.
i just like seeing the names on my "buddy list" i guess.
makes me feel less alone.
i just can't think of anything else to do.
when i end up on the phone with my mom she only talks about florida and work. soon florida won't be any fun to talk about and it will be only work again. i know, i know. nobody can talk about these things. i just can't learn enough stories to tell over and over. almost everything i say in response when i'm spoken to is a learned thing. so very rarily anything i feel like saying at all. i'm amazed by the little things people say, just like every day things. i can't think of an example, but i really wish i could. . every little thing takes so much effort. using the telephone requires tons and tons of effort. you said it was "minimal", it's not at all. i remember reading in prozac nation how for elisabeth, it didn't make sense that she couldn't wash her hair once and be done with it forever. that's how i feel and i'm used to it, so when i think about how some other people might do things like take showers, wash their hair, wash the dishes, clean the toilet, get dressed, cook food, have a job, do anything at all...i am forced to remember how a lot of people aren't going to understand and will just think i'm lazy. i seriously don't understand why i have to keep doing these things.
when i woke up this morning, the first thing i said to charley was "i don't wanna do this waking up shit again". i mean, i say that every morning. this might never end. or at least, i don't think a happy ending is in the cards.
before that,
i drove around downtown with charley for the first time in at least 6 months and had to look at all the things i was never apart of and never will be apart of. hihii tried to step onto the sidewalk to get food, but couldn't do it and had to get back in the car and be taken back here
where i was greeted by the devil.
if there's no other release,
it gets forced out.
and you'd better believe that it's fucking painful.
later on a boy broke my heart (yes, i'm talking about you) more than once.
i'm sure he doesn't mean to, though.
blah.
doesn't make it any easier.
i tried making two different tapes and gave up after 5 songs.
this morning i woke up at 7am to do my usual scratching and somehow forced myself to put lotion on and stop the scratching.
i still have a couple of new stinging spots, but it could have been worse.
so where's the parade?
my back hurts extremely bad in the upper right area.
it's because i sit on this box all day with my right hand up all awkward on the mouse.
what do i do here all day you wonder?
seriously, nothing.
i just like seeing the names on my "buddy list" i guess.
makes me feel less alone.
i just can't think of anything else to do.
when i end up on the phone with my mom she only talks about florida and work. soon florida won't be any fun to talk about and it will be only work again. i know, i know. nobody can talk about these things. i just can't learn enough stories to tell over and over. almost everything i say in response when i'm spoken to is a learned thing. so very rarily anything i feel like saying at all. i'm amazed by the little things people say, just like every day things. i can't think of an example, but i really wish i could. . every little thing takes so much effort. using the telephone requires tons and tons of effort. you said it was "minimal", it's not at all. i remember reading in prozac nation how for elisabeth, it didn't make sense that she couldn't wash her hair once and be done with it forever. that's how i feel and i'm used to it, so when i think about how some other people might do things like take showers, wash their hair, wash the dishes, clean the toilet, get dressed, cook food, have a job, do anything at all...i am forced to remember how a lot of people aren't going to understand and will just think i'm lazy. i seriously don't understand why i have to keep doing these things.
when i woke up this morning, the first thing i said to charley was "i don't wanna do this waking up shit again". i mean, i say that every morning. this might never end. or at least, i don't think a happy ending is in the cards.