(no subject)
man...we are watching "The Big One" its one of Micheal Moores first ones...
and it actually makes me laugh...A LOT. its a good one. i can handle watching it.
but at the same time...
it makes me just realize that man kind is crazy. we really make little or no sense at all. seriously...the half that im not laughing at...i shake my head in disbelief. we are so WEIRD.
are we all really just a bunch of outcasts...because i dare say...we are.
guhhhhh....!
yesterday i had a great lunch with kelly and lea. we really had some great conversation and i loved it. we ended up for a while about the foster kids i had in my house growing up. really ironic....because last nite my mom called me and told me that Sam Cookson had been killed in a car accident tuesday nite....
he was 17...we had him when he was 11-12. its so crazy. my junior year of high school anthony was killed in a freak accident. he was 14. and now its that same feeling...that same feeling of being so far away from everything...being removed from it...like a dream in a weird way. i dont even know what im trying to say. its just so odd...we had pry close to if not more than 100 kids in our home. some walls broke between the child and us...actually more often than not...both of these guys were my brothers...for at least a year. they were a part of us...we were a part of them...both so young...and now...are gone.
its scary. sad. kinda leaves me dumbfounded.
thinking about home doesnt warm my heart too much anymore. makes me think of garden state...
"You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
but it goes beyond that...honestly everythign about home has changed. hardly anything is the same for me. different house...and soon maybe not one at all....my parents have changed, and thats an understatement...they seriously arent anything like who i left...church is weird and almost uncomfortable at times...except for a handful of people there is no one in high school i have much to say to- its just the same conversatoin with them all when i do see them...even my close friends we have changed- but its exciting to watch that :) ....it all basically looks the same except for my hosue that is no longer there...and the people are the same...small...rural nebraskan and closed minded...
o dear.
it basically just sucks. thinking about home is depressing. so much happens...and im not there...and its a blessing in a lot of ways...and not so much in others.
okay enough about the abstract thought of home.
online journals such as this are dying to facebook. ha. but its okay. i dont mind. one more way we are incredibly odd...i mean really...im a sucker...i wont deny.....but it is weird.
accountability with heather on tuesday was really good. it was a good reminder of some huge things in my life that i really need to take care of...because they arent going to just go away. ever. and it was incredible how its like she was reading a story about me...yikes! i need someone to talk to....
last but not least....its the weekend.
amen.
i work tonite friday nite and saturday nite.
friday nite ive got a date with monica and sarah...im really looking forward to that! i think it will be good.
and saturday...time will tell. i have no idea what im going to do.
field party...dont really want to go to.
but i want to be with people...
whatever.