For posterity...
I just wanted a record of the break up so I can look back on it in a few weeks or months and have a way to remember what I'm feeling today. I had been trying to break up...basically since we became official...but he always sweet talked me back into position. This time, I just did it over a text message. I had told him the day before not to call me...he called several times and sent text messages...I'd been sick and he wanted to know how I was. Eventually, because he KNOWS I can't ignore him, I wrote "I'm fine. Please do not contact me again. Thank you." And he was in shock...but that was that.
A few days later, he requested a meeting and I obliged. I have been in the other shoes...where someone has denied me my right to speak so I didn't want to deny him that right. We met in the garden on Shenken and I sat quietly. I knew it would be hard for him to talk...he doesn't have fully formed emotions or the ability to express them. I recognize that in the past, I may have spoken too soon and shut him up. So this time, I swore to myself that I would just sit quietly and try to coax it out.
In the end, we both cried. Me, more than him...and he tried really hard to cover his up. He's scared. He said he hates himself a bit...he chased me for two years and the minute he got me, he realized he wasn't ready. But he finally said that out loud..."I'm not ready." We sat across a table from each other...speaking with our eyes a lot. We held hands a bit and tried to offer comfort. He felt badly...breaking my heart a bit...I felt badly for HIM because at least I have emotions and know more or less what to do with them. I can't even imagine being in a place in my life where like...I couldn't figure out what I was FEELING or how to express it. Bless him.
He has this sweet heart in there.
He IS a good person...but after that night out with his friend...I just realize that he's quite insecure and guarded. It makes me sad because I know what a fantastic person he is in there...he just doesn't share things with anyone...or trust anyone...
Kind of makes me wonder what his childhood was like.
Where he came from.
What happened to him.
We sat in that garden until about 4 in the morning. Smiling and crying and holding hands and breaking up. I asked him to stop calling me for a while because it was too confusing for me to be in touch.
"I can't move on and meet someone new if you're around," I explained.
He struggled with that thought...couldn't quite grasp how it made him feel to think about me being with someone new. He said that out loud...that he didn't want to think about me being with someone new. And I explained that THAT is precisely why he shouldn't be calling.
"You know if your number is in my phone, I will call you. I always do. I care about you," he said.
"So delete me for a while...you know how to find me when the time is right," I said. "Maybe one day in a while, you'll realize you ARE ready...and when that day comes, I DO want to hear from you. Maybe we can try again."
"I can't delete you," he said. "I'm afraid I wouldn't try to find you if I delete you."
"If you really wanted to, you would," I replied.
So I took his phone and deleted myself. I told him that I wasn't worried about speaking with him again in the future...that everything works out the way it's supposed to anyway.
He walked me to the main road so I could walk home and we spent about 45 minutes parting and returning to hug and parting again and hiding and returning to hug again. Neither of us wanted to go home...we didn't want to part because we knew that would be it.
He ended up walking me home.
That all happened last Monday night. I went out with his friend on Wednesday night.
I moved on Friday morning. And now it's Sunday...
I saw on facebook that his sister is coming to Israel for a visit. She hasn't been here in 6 months. I wonder if she's surprising him or if this visit was prompted by a call from him. They are close...they are like me and my brother, I believe. Perhaps he's been down and he shared that with her and so she's coming.
Or perhaps it's totally random.
I spoke with her a few weeks back and she said she wanted to come in December...she said we'd have a visit.
I wonder now if I'll hear from her and get to see her.
I wonder if he's thinking about me at all.
A few days later, he requested a meeting and I obliged. I have been in the other shoes...where someone has denied me my right to speak so I didn't want to deny him that right. We met in the garden on Shenken and I sat quietly. I knew it would be hard for him to talk...he doesn't have fully formed emotions or the ability to express them. I recognize that in the past, I may have spoken too soon and shut him up. So this time, I swore to myself that I would just sit quietly and try to coax it out.
In the end, we both cried. Me, more than him...and he tried really hard to cover his up. He's scared. He said he hates himself a bit...he chased me for two years and the minute he got me, he realized he wasn't ready. But he finally said that out loud..."I'm not ready." We sat across a table from each other...speaking with our eyes a lot. We held hands a bit and tried to offer comfort. He felt badly...breaking my heart a bit...I felt badly for HIM because at least I have emotions and know more or less what to do with them. I can't even imagine being in a place in my life where like...I couldn't figure out what I was FEELING or how to express it. Bless him.
He has this sweet heart in there.
He IS a good person...but after that night out with his friend...I just realize that he's quite insecure and guarded. It makes me sad because I know what a fantastic person he is in there...he just doesn't share things with anyone...or trust anyone...
Kind of makes me wonder what his childhood was like.
Where he came from.
What happened to him.
We sat in that garden until about 4 in the morning. Smiling and crying and holding hands and breaking up. I asked him to stop calling me for a while because it was too confusing for me to be in touch.
"I can't move on and meet someone new if you're around," I explained.
He struggled with that thought...couldn't quite grasp how it made him feel to think about me being with someone new. He said that out loud...that he didn't want to think about me being with someone new. And I explained that THAT is precisely why he shouldn't be calling.
"You know if your number is in my phone, I will call you. I always do. I care about you," he said.
"So delete me for a while...you know how to find me when the time is right," I said. "Maybe one day in a while, you'll realize you ARE ready...and when that day comes, I DO want to hear from you. Maybe we can try again."
"I can't delete you," he said. "I'm afraid I wouldn't try to find you if I delete you."
"If you really wanted to, you would," I replied.
So I took his phone and deleted myself. I told him that I wasn't worried about speaking with him again in the future...that everything works out the way it's supposed to anyway.
He walked me to the main road so I could walk home and we spent about 45 minutes parting and returning to hug and parting again and hiding and returning to hug again. Neither of us wanted to go home...we didn't want to part because we knew that would be it.
He ended up walking me home.
That all happened last Monday night. I went out with his friend on Wednesday night.
I moved on Friday morning. And now it's Sunday...
I saw on facebook that his sister is coming to Israel for a visit. She hasn't been here in 6 months. I wonder if she's surprising him or if this visit was prompted by a call from him. They are close...they are like me and my brother, I believe. Perhaps he's been down and he shared that with her and so she's coming.
Or perhaps it's totally random.
I spoke with her a few weeks back and she said she wanted to come in December...she said we'd have a visit.
I wonder now if I'll hear from her and get to see her.
I wonder if he's thinking about me at all.