Oh, please.
Why.
I've been feeling really, really crap this week. I don't know whether it's some delayed shock from last month, a proper bout of depression coming back, or even just hormones gone wrong, but I've been seriously properly down. The last seven days have been spent exactly the same: me, alone, just hanging round the house or sometimes the odd walk to Orpington centre for some variety, and just trying to shake off the idea that my entire life is completely and utterly pointless. Far from some emo-fuelled whining, this sadly does have a lot of evidence to back it up. In terms of family, career, love and friends there really isn't much to show at all for over two decades of existence. I shouldn't really still be at the point where I wake up and marvel at the fact I'm still even around. Hence the why.
And then fate doesn't feel that's shitty enough for me to lose my job, be on my own away from home and generally feel crap, today I found out my cat's been run over. Dead, gone. It's not a first, far from it. In fact, that makes at least seven. SEVEN pets lost through road accidents, murder, illness or other inventive means of death. If there's a God (that if always starts to swoop in at times like these, I'm afraid), he should think about getting his own pets, he really should and stop borrowing mine.
RIP, Cyber. I loved you so much, but then you knew that. Your life nearly ended once before, and that's why I always thought you were a fighter. You were one of the best furry soulmates I ever had, bless you.
I've been wanting to go home (I say 'home' but I've not even set foot within that house yet, the irony) lately. I've been thinking about it so much over the last few days because there's not much keeping me here anymore. Most of the reasons I wanted to come here for have all but gone, so I've been staying here mostly for Craig. I'd be lying if I didn't say that the last five months have been a crushing disappointment, but at least it's been a break and despite his heavy workload he's at least tried to be there for me. But things have changed so much back North and like I said, there's no other reason to be here anymore. But going back right now might make matters worse.
Once again, I've no idea what I should do anymore.