Trick or Treat, s'all Good.
Right, well I'll be off to Kent tomorrow so you may not see me until Nov 5th unless I hijack Craig's computer or something. Or ever again if I get lost at Manchester Picadilly Euston station as is very likely.
And so here comes the final part of my Epic!Halloween!Bobbehfic. 10,441 words altogether, you know. Apologies to anyone who's confused. The fact that we've got three Bobbehs tend to confuse most people .... and here we're going to have TEN OF THEM. We've already met the Evil Bobbehs and Bobbeh Lindsay, so you may want to take a guess at who's about to turn up in this one. Here we've got the big finale where the Bobbehs try to gently get their evil selves to, like, leave plz.
[Part One | Part Two]
Night of the Evile Ded: Part Three
Bobbeh1 had done something he had never done before. Not on purpose anyway, otherwise he'd have done it 19 times already.
He had locked himself in the bathroom.
The youngest Bobbeh would have felt rather proud of his achievement if it wasn't for the fact that, outside the safety of the bathroom, there was three evil Bobbehs after him. Not Good. Now, while his own evil self didn't seem too much of a threat (although Bobbeh1 feared his toys were in much danger out there from the disobedient brat), the other two were really rather scary. The evil Bobbeh3 was drunken and disorderly, and nothing like his caring, friendly, jolly Bobbeh3. The evil Bobbeh2, meanwhile, had wanted him to do things that were definitely Naughty, and he was far creepier in a way that Bobbeh1 couldn't put his finger on (and frankly didn't want to) but made him feel all peculiar.
As if on cue, there was a shout outside and someone pounded the bathroom door with their fist.
"Bobbeh1! It's us, honest! We're in a tad bit of bother, could you let us in? As in, quickly?"
It was Bobbeh2's voice. Or at least, it sounded like him. Bobbeh1 hovered nervously by the lock.
"BOBBEH1! NOW! IF. YOU. PLEASE." came the voice, much louder and urgent. Bobbeh3 could be heard vaguely muttering something similar but more politely in the background.
Trembling a little, Bobbeh1 opened the bathroom door Very, Very Slowly. He peered through the tiny gap (the door wobbling in his hands) and was relieved to see a (reasonably) respectable-looking Bobbeh2 and Bobbeh3. Bobbeh2 pushed his way in hurriedly.
"Eventually. It is, like, rather an emergency you know, Bobbeh1!"
Bobbeh3 followed him and carefully relocked the bathroom door behind them. If the current situation wasn't Really Rather Serious Actually, then Bobbeh3 would have chuckled at the irony. Only that very morning had Bobbeh2 locked himself in there whilst Bobbeh1 had hammered urgently on the bathroom door claiming he needed the toilet for the third time that morning.
The youngest Bobbeh was very happy to see them. "You escaped, yay! Er.. sorry for leaving you in the kitchen and all that. I ... didn't mean to." he shuffled about and looked at his feet sheepishly. "Are they still out there?"
"Well, that's just it," replied Bobbeh3 looking worried, "We thought that, as the wrong number on the phone was what brought our Lower selves here in the first place, then maybe dialling a different number would eradicate them. But-"
"But someone's plan didn't work, did it?" Bobbeh2 interrupted, "Because I could hear me in the drawing room, and you said someone was throwing things around in Bobbeh1's bedroom..."
Bobbeh1's heart broke. He knew it.
"Yes, I'm afraid that is so." replied Bobbeh3, rubbing his chin in thought.
"Well then, what on earth do we do now?"
Before anyone could answer, Bobbeh2 leapt up from the bathtub on which he had been leaning with a yell.
There was a sudden flash of bright white light and the bathroom was instantly filled with a strange overpowering mist. Before Bobbeh3 could worry that he'd been using the wrong voltage lightbulb again, the mist cleared to reveal... three new Bobbehs all clothed in white suits, standing in the bath.
"Good heavens," spoke the angelic Bobbeh3, "that didn't quite happen as planned. Still, hello there mortal selves! I do believe you dialled 777, did you not? Whatever seems to be the matter?"
"Well," faltered Bobbeh3, as he stared at this new version of himself with a small pang of envy. The +Bobbeh3 looked incredibly smart, unflustered and together, and was sporting a shiny gold pocketwatch and a huge fluffy white feather duster. He immediately felt guilty for having such silly thoughts and carried on. "Our evil selves appear to have taken over the house and we can't get them to leave."
"Oh gosh, not them again." spoke the angelic Bobbeh2. He had a warm smile and looked refined and respectable with his pressed white blazer and neat golden hair. "I suppose it's not my place to say, but they can be so terribly rude sometimes, Bobbeh3, they really can. We had them to stay once. They were reasonably tolerable for three days, and then they started opening up a hellmouth or something just as terribly inconvenient."
"Well, we can't have that," said +Bobbeh3, stepping out of the bathtub, "These evil plans to overthrow kitchens have got to cease. Come along, +Bobbeh1."
"But - shouldn't I have a bath while I'm here, +Bobbeh3? I wouldn't want to get the Bobbeh's house all dirty or anything."
(Bit late for that, thought Bobbeh3, thinking of his already desecrated kitchen).
This surely wasn't possible. The angelic Bobbeh1 was absolutely spotless and un-sticky. He looked rather like the regular Bobbeh1, all blonde hair and cherubic rosy cheeks, but... well.... clean and tidy. He looked up at +Bobbeh3 with big questioning eyes, but his Bobbeh3 shook his head ruefully.
"No, Bobbeh1, I'm afraid there just isn't time. Besides, I'm sure our mortal selves can easily handle... a bit of dust..."
Bobbeh3 caught his angelic self discreetly flick his feather duster at the bathroom cabinet (the cheek!) as there was once again a hammering at the door.
"That must be our evil selves!" exclaimed the angelic Bobbeh3, "Come on Bobbehs, spitspot!"
"Er... my, uh, evil self could certainly do with a bath... He's a bit dirty..." ventured Bobbeh1. If nothing else, it would hopefully distract anyone from suggesting that he needed one.
"Good idea, mortal Bobbeh!"
"Er, it's just Bobbeh1. Or Bob."
"Whatever you want. Now, is there a shower attachment or anything we could use in here? With any luck, the youngest Bobbeh is outside that door, and-"
"Yeah, there's one here, Mr-Other-Bobbeh3."
"Good, well if you could get the water running and ready, then my Bobbeh1 will be on standby to deal with him."
Slightly perturbed by this Bobbeh3's bossiness, Bobbeh1 nevertheless did as he said, and the older Bobbehs unlocked the bathroom door. Sure enough, the evil Bobbeh1 was waiting there. He made to run in, but was stopped in his tracks by Bobbeh1 wielding the shower attachment at him like an unusual water pistol.
"Don't come any closer, evil me!" he shouted triumphantly, "Or you'll get a .... wash."
His cocky expression disappearing instantly, the evil Bobbeh1 decided to make a run for it instead, but he was wrestled to the ground by Bobbeh1 and his angelic self. They somehow succeeded in looping the (wet, yes) shower attachment around him and reining him in.
All four of the remaining Bobbehs ran out in the corridor after them.
"Keep hold of him - he's a squirmy one!" shouted the angelic Bobbeh2. "Bobbeh2, I think I can hear our evil self coming up the stairs-"
"What should we do? I don't see how we can distract-"
"Grab that big mirror from the bathroom. When he turns the corner, we can..."
".....Wait, are you saying I'm vain?"
The angelic Bobbeh2 blinked in surprise. "Oh sorry, you're talking to me, aren't you? No, of course not, dear fellow. I'm just saying that it's a terrific way of distracting him, trust me. I like your socks by the way, Bobbeh2."
With an unconvinced shrug, Bobbeh2 grabbed the bathroom mirror and they held it up as they heard the evil Bobbeh2 turn the corner.
"Okay, goody-goody Bobbehs, I really think it's time that you step aside and let us... Oh, hello. Ding dong. Who's this? Hang on... This is a mirror, you can't fool me! I'm the brains of this operation, damnit!"
But it was too late for the evil Bobbeh2 - he'd been fooled long enough for his better selves to get hold of him and restrain him using +Bobbeh2's best white tie ("Terrible shame, but it's for a good cause!").
"What the... What are you doing with me? Are you molesting *me*? Let me go!"
"See how you like it", muttered Bobbeh2, making sure his double was tied extra tightly.
This seemed to hush the evil Bobbeh2, who realised that he wasn't completely adverse to the idea of being restrained after all. "Well, if that's your game..."
With the evil Bobbehs 1 and 2 in tow, the Bobbehs all headed downstairs in search of the evil Bobbeh3. This wasn't an entirely difficult task - the clinking of bottles from the kitchen instantly gave away his location. Bobbeh3 and his angelic self entered the kitchen first, with the numerous Bobbeh1s and Bobbeh2's bringing up the rear. As it were.
"Give it up, Evil Bobbeh3!" shouted the angelic Bobbeh3. We've got you other Bobbehs all safe here and it's about time you all went back to where you jolly well came from!"
The evil Bobbeh3 belched something in way of a reply, and shuffled away from them with a cackle.
"There's nothing for it," muttered the angelic Bobbeh3 to his normal counterpart, "You take one arm, mortal Bobbeh3, and I'll take the other!"
They rushed purposefully at the evil Bobbeh3, but came to a halt when they realised that it wasn't as easy as that. Their evil self had become unbelievably dirty and reeked more than ever of whisky, dirt and... other things. He cackled again and ambled towards the back door.
"We've got to do something, Angelic Bobbeh3! He's escaping, we can't set him free onto the community!" shouted our Bobbeh3.
+Bobbeh3 looked thoughtful. "I know what will do the trick!" He pulled out a miniature spraycan from one of his many pockets. "Mr Sheen - Shines Umpteen Things Clean, you know!"
Bobbeh3 looked at the can with some doubt.
"That's an excellent idea, but...Well, I rather find..." He picked up a similar can from the kitchen floor where it had been discarded earlier, "That Mr Muscle Loves The Jobs You Hate. How about we combine their powers, Angelic Bobbeh3?"
"I don't see why not, genius Bobbeh3!"
And so, armed with Mr Sheen and Mr Muscle, the two Bobbehs launched themselves at their evil double, and had him much more fragrant in no time. They both kept a tight grip on him by his (now rather polished) overcoat.
"Now what do we do?" asked Bobbeh1, struggling to keep hold of very squirmy evil self. Bobbeh2, meanwhile, was having to put up with his own evil self leaning against him in a very unsavoury way.
"Well..." mused the angelic Bobbeh1, "Where did they come from in the first place?"
"Well, Bobbeh2 there - the, er, bad one -" remembered Bobbeh3, "He came in by the back door. Or rather, the window. From outside."
"And your evil self, Bobbeh3, was loitering in the street before." added Bobbeh2.
"Aha!" shouted the angelic Bobbeh3, "Then the back garden it must be!"
Hauling their evil selves along, the Bobbehs headed outside to the garden. Thankfully, the sudden rainfall from earlier on had eased off, the clouds had passed, and the bright moonlight revealed a big ominous hole in the ground, surrounded by a hazy mist.
"There" said +Bobbeh3, pointing it out, "That'll be their magical portal to their universe. Rather like ours in the bathroom - except that, oh, they always have to make such a mess!"
"I'm not going back there again." muttered the evil Bobbeh2, sulking now he knew what the plans really were. "Far more interesting up here."
"Well you'll have to, Master Bobbeh2. Until you learn to behave yourself and stop your nefarious schemes."
"Wankers."
"How about we pay you all a visit sometime? We could always pop in, redecorate, cook you something nutritious, and play some jolly fun games afterwards. What do you say to that?"
"NO." spat the evil Bobbeh1.
Looking slightly horrified, the evil Bobbehs seemed convinced that maybe they didn't want to hang around this lot after all. The Bobbehs reclaimed their shower attachment and tie (and other items that the evil Bobbehs had managed to procure on their adventure), and their evil selves stepped forwards to the portal.
"So long, see you, and certainly wouldn't want to be you." waved the evil Bobbeh2. And with that, they all jumped into the hole, there was a flash of red light and they were gone.
~
"Well of course they don't like us." hypothesised the angelic Bobbeh3 as the remaining Bobbehs went back inside the house. "If they were exactly the same as us, it would be terribly confusing."
"But I'm confused already." pouted Bobbeh1.
Suddenly they all became aware of a strange sound coming from the other room - an urgent kind of moaning.
"Oh no," cried Bobbeh1, "We haven't got ghosts too, have we?"
Bobbeh3 grabbed hold of Bobbeh1's shoulders, somewhat nervous himself. "I thought the Evil Bobbehs had all left? Who on earth is that?"
Worried, the six Bobbehs made their way to the drawing room to investigate the source of the sound. They opened the door to reveal Bobbeh Lindsay bound, gagged, and - for no explicable reason - sat on top of the television.
"Mphf fmpph Phbby!" he said, because it's quite difficult to talk with someone else's underwear in your mouth.
"Good heavens! It's Master Lindsay!" cried the Angelic Bobbeh3 in surprise, "Oh, what a terrible thing to happen. He's such a lovely lad too."
"Is he?" wondered Bobbeh3 a little too loudly.
Bobbeh2 rushed over and set Bobbeh Lindsay free - not that the honorary Bobbeh was much happier for this.
"Argh, keep back you - keep back!" he shouted, toppling backwards off the television.
"Whatever's the matter? It's only *me*, Bobbeh!"
"Yeah, and you've been nothing but weird tonight. More than usual, I should add!"
Lindsay caught sight of Bobbeh1 and noticed that the youngest Bobbeh was now without the black hair and cowboy hat. This just confused him even more.
"Were.... were those your Halloween costumes before or something?" he asked, "What's going on in this madhouse?"
"Well..." began Bobbeh2 awkwardly, "You see, there was a bit of a to-do before. There was rather a glitch with the phone and it unleashed our evil selves onto the household, and we had to enlist the help of our... Higher selves to sort the whole bally mess out..."
He trailed off as Bobbeh Lindsay wasn't really listening anyway. Lindsay, it appeared, had only just realised that there was six Bobbehs in the room besides himself.
"Nooooo....!" Lindsay wailed, his head in his hands, "It's that Bobbeh clone nightmare again! It's come true!"
The angelic Bobbeh3 coughed politely and turned away from Lindsay's personal crisis. "Er, I think it's probably time we were off. Our work here is done, and there's many more things we need to do elsewhere. A Bobbeh's work is never done, you see."
Bobbeh3 nodded. "I know that feeling."
"Yes, well, times that by twenty - that's how busy we are, dear fellow!"
The angelic Bobbehs headed upstairs for the bathroom, closely followed by their original selves. Bobbeh3 was secretly rather relieved that they were leaving - he was finding his other self to be just a tad bit condescending.
Once back in the bathtub, the angelic Bobbehs assumed their positions (whatever they were...), and our Bobbehs stood well back.
"It's been lovely to meet you." said +Bobbeh1 graciously, "I hope we can meet again soon!"
"Don't do anything we wouldn't do!" said the angelic Bobbeh2 with a smile ("Rules out a fair bit, doesn't it?" muttered Bobbeh2 under his breath, and Bobbeh1 laughed).
With one last regal wave, the angelic Bobbehs disappeared with a flash of white light and the bath was empty once again. Our Bobbehs left the bathroom with mixed feelings and headed down the stairs.
"Our Higher selves were really nice," mused Bobbeh1, "And at least they didn't break my things, but... well... they were a bit on t'dull side."
"Don't worry, Bobbeh1, I know what you mean." agreed Bobbeh2. "At the end of the day, I think we're far more balanced and normal than any of them."
"And surely I'm not quite the neat freak that my other self is, am I ?" questioned Bobbeh3. The other two Bobbehs remained mysteriously quiet. "Ah, well anyway - what matters is that both my Bobbehs are here, in one piece, and just exactly as I like them too.
"Now, excuse me - I think I may have to tidy and clean up the kitchen. Just a little bit. And then in the morning, I best telephone Kris Barrier, see if he could fill the hole in the garden for us."
And with that, Bobbeh3 went to pimp up the kitchen again with the help of his friends Mr Muscle.
Meanwhile, Bobbeh Lindsay sidled into the hall, and shuffled around awkwardly, hands in pockets.
"Er, Robert? Bobbeh2? I was, uh... I was wondering if you still wanted to go to the pictures?"
Bobbeh2 looked surprised. "Well, indeed!"
"The, uh, little Bobbeh can come along too if he wants to. Why not, eh. The evening can only get better. But - " He suddenly looked up and spoke resolutely "I'm not seeing the Bobbeh De Niro flick again!"
".... Really?"
"Yes, really. Too much Bobbeh for one evening, I think."
"Fair enough, old chap."
"I'll say this, your place certainly isn't dull." added Lindsay, as they headed out of the front door. But then he stopped, hovering in the doorway as if remembering something. "Where did those girls go?"
"What girls?" asked a puzzled Bobbeh2.
"When you - well, the other you - answered the door earlier, there were two girls on the floor. Looked a bit ded."
"Uh oh...." uttered Bobbeh1.
The evil Bobbeh2 had obviously been a bit more busy than they'd thought...
THE END. NO, RLY.
Any questions, or indeed any answers, feel free. And... HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
And so here comes the final part of my Epic!Halloween!Bobbehfic. 10,441 words altogether, you know. Apologies to anyone who's confused. The fact that we've got three Bobbehs tend to confuse most people .... and here we're going to have TEN OF THEM. We've already met the Evil Bobbehs and Bobbeh Lindsay, so you may want to take a guess at who's about to turn up in this one. Here we've got the big finale where the Bobbehs try to gently get their evil selves to, like, leave plz.
[Part One | Part Two]
Night of the Evile Ded: Part Three
Bobbeh1 had done something he had never done before. Not on purpose anyway, otherwise he'd have done it 19 times already.
He had locked himself in the bathroom.
The youngest Bobbeh would have felt rather proud of his achievement if it wasn't for the fact that, outside the safety of the bathroom, there was three evil Bobbehs after him. Not Good. Now, while his own evil self didn't seem too much of a threat (although Bobbeh1 feared his toys were in much danger out there from the disobedient brat), the other two were really rather scary. The evil Bobbeh3 was drunken and disorderly, and nothing like his caring, friendly, jolly Bobbeh3. The evil Bobbeh2, meanwhile, had wanted him to do things that were definitely Naughty, and he was far creepier in a way that Bobbeh1 couldn't put his finger on (and frankly didn't want to) but made him feel all peculiar.
As if on cue, there was a shout outside and someone pounded the bathroom door with their fist.
"Bobbeh1! It's us, honest! We're in a tad bit of bother, could you let us in? As in, quickly?"
It was Bobbeh2's voice. Or at least, it sounded like him. Bobbeh1 hovered nervously by the lock.
"BOBBEH1! NOW! IF. YOU. PLEASE." came the voice, much louder and urgent. Bobbeh3 could be heard vaguely muttering something similar but more politely in the background.
Trembling a little, Bobbeh1 opened the bathroom door Very, Very Slowly. He peered through the tiny gap (the door wobbling in his hands) and was relieved to see a (reasonably) respectable-looking Bobbeh2 and Bobbeh3. Bobbeh2 pushed his way in hurriedly.
"Eventually. It is, like, rather an emergency you know, Bobbeh1!"
Bobbeh3 followed him and carefully relocked the bathroom door behind them. If the current situation wasn't Really Rather Serious Actually, then Bobbeh3 would have chuckled at the irony. Only that very morning had Bobbeh2 locked himself in there whilst Bobbeh1 had hammered urgently on the bathroom door claiming he needed the toilet for the third time that morning.
The youngest Bobbeh was very happy to see them. "You escaped, yay! Er.. sorry for leaving you in the kitchen and all that. I ... didn't mean to." he shuffled about and looked at his feet sheepishly. "Are they still out there?"
"Well, that's just it," replied Bobbeh3 looking worried, "We thought that, as the wrong number on the phone was what brought our Lower selves here in the first place, then maybe dialling a different number would eradicate them. But-"
"But someone's plan didn't work, did it?" Bobbeh2 interrupted, "Because I could hear me in the drawing room, and you said someone was throwing things around in Bobbeh1's bedroom..."
Bobbeh1's heart broke. He knew it.
"Yes, I'm afraid that is so." replied Bobbeh3, rubbing his chin in thought.
"Well then, what on earth do we do now?"
Before anyone could answer, Bobbeh2 leapt up from the bathtub on which he had been leaning with a yell.
There was a sudden flash of bright white light and the bathroom was instantly filled with a strange overpowering mist. Before Bobbeh3 could worry that he'd been using the wrong voltage lightbulb again, the mist cleared to reveal... three new Bobbehs all clothed in white suits, standing in the bath.
"Good heavens," spoke the angelic Bobbeh3, "that didn't quite happen as planned. Still, hello there mortal selves! I do believe you dialled 777, did you not? Whatever seems to be the matter?"
"Well," faltered Bobbeh3, as he stared at this new version of himself with a small pang of envy. The +Bobbeh3 looked incredibly smart, unflustered and together, and was sporting a shiny gold pocketwatch and a huge fluffy white feather duster. He immediately felt guilty for having such silly thoughts and carried on. "Our evil selves appear to have taken over the house and we can't get them to leave."
"Oh gosh, not them again." spoke the angelic Bobbeh2. He had a warm smile and looked refined and respectable with his pressed white blazer and neat golden hair. "I suppose it's not my place to say, but they can be so terribly rude sometimes, Bobbeh3, they really can. We had them to stay once. They were reasonably tolerable for three days, and then they started opening up a hellmouth or something just as terribly inconvenient."
"Well, we can't have that," said +Bobbeh3, stepping out of the bathtub, "These evil plans to overthrow kitchens have got to cease. Come along, +Bobbeh1."
"But - shouldn't I have a bath while I'm here, +Bobbeh3? I wouldn't want to get the Bobbeh's house all dirty or anything."
(Bit late for that, thought Bobbeh3, thinking of his already desecrated kitchen).
This surely wasn't possible. The angelic Bobbeh1 was absolutely spotless and un-sticky. He looked rather like the regular Bobbeh1, all blonde hair and cherubic rosy cheeks, but... well.... clean and tidy. He looked up at +Bobbeh3 with big questioning eyes, but his Bobbeh3 shook his head ruefully.
"No, Bobbeh1, I'm afraid there just isn't time. Besides, I'm sure our mortal selves can easily handle... a bit of dust..."
Bobbeh3 caught his angelic self discreetly flick his feather duster at the bathroom cabinet (the cheek!) as there was once again a hammering at the door.
"That must be our evil selves!" exclaimed the angelic Bobbeh3, "Come on Bobbehs, spitspot!"
"Er... my, uh, evil self could certainly do with a bath... He's a bit dirty..." ventured Bobbeh1. If nothing else, it would hopefully distract anyone from suggesting that he needed one.
"Good idea, mortal Bobbeh!"
"Er, it's just Bobbeh1. Or Bob."
"Whatever you want. Now, is there a shower attachment or anything we could use in here? With any luck, the youngest Bobbeh is outside that door, and-"
"Yeah, there's one here, Mr-Other-Bobbeh3."
"Good, well if you could get the water running and ready, then my Bobbeh1 will be on standby to deal with him."
Slightly perturbed by this Bobbeh3's bossiness, Bobbeh1 nevertheless did as he said, and the older Bobbehs unlocked the bathroom door. Sure enough, the evil Bobbeh1 was waiting there. He made to run in, but was stopped in his tracks by Bobbeh1 wielding the shower attachment at him like an unusual water pistol.
"Don't come any closer, evil me!" he shouted triumphantly, "Or you'll get a .... wash."
His cocky expression disappearing instantly, the evil Bobbeh1 decided to make a run for it instead, but he was wrestled to the ground by Bobbeh1 and his angelic self. They somehow succeeded in looping the (wet, yes) shower attachment around him and reining him in.
All four of the remaining Bobbehs ran out in the corridor after them.
"Keep hold of him - he's a squirmy one!" shouted the angelic Bobbeh2. "Bobbeh2, I think I can hear our evil self coming up the stairs-"
"What should we do? I don't see how we can distract-"
"Grab that big mirror from the bathroom. When he turns the corner, we can..."
".....Wait, are you saying I'm vain?"
The angelic Bobbeh2 blinked in surprise. "Oh sorry, you're talking to me, aren't you? No, of course not, dear fellow. I'm just saying that it's a terrific way of distracting him, trust me. I like your socks by the way, Bobbeh2."
With an unconvinced shrug, Bobbeh2 grabbed the bathroom mirror and they held it up as they heard the evil Bobbeh2 turn the corner.
"Okay, goody-goody Bobbehs, I really think it's time that you step aside and let us... Oh, hello. Ding dong. Who's this? Hang on... This is a mirror, you can't fool me! I'm the brains of this operation, damnit!"
But it was too late for the evil Bobbeh2 - he'd been fooled long enough for his better selves to get hold of him and restrain him using +Bobbeh2's best white tie ("Terrible shame, but it's for a good cause!").
"What the... What are you doing with me? Are you molesting *me*? Let me go!"
"See how you like it", muttered Bobbeh2, making sure his double was tied extra tightly.
This seemed to hush the evil Bobbeh2, who realised that he wasn't completely adverse to the idea of being restrained after all. "Well, if that's your game..."
With the evil Bobbehs 1 and 2 in tow, the Bobbehs all headed downstairs in search of the evil Bobbeh3. This wasn't an entirely difficult task - the clinking of bottles from the kitchen instantly gave away his location. Bobbeh3 and his angelic self entered the kitchen first, with the numerous Bobbeh1s and Bobbeh2's bringing up the rear. As it were.
"Give it up, Evil Bobbeh3!" shouted the angelic Bobbeh3. We've got you other Bobbehs all safe here and it's about time you all went back to where you jolly well came from!"
The evil Bobbeh3 belched something in way of a reply, and shuffled away from them with a cackle.
"There's nothing for it," muttered the angelic Bobbeh3 to his normal counterpart, "You take one arm, mortal Bobbeh3, and I'll take the other!"
They rushed purposefully at the evil Bobbeh3, but came to a halt when they realised that it wasn't as easy as that. Their evil self had become unbelievably dirty and reeked more than ever of whisky, dirt and... other things. He cackled again and ambled towards the back door.
"We've got to do something, Angelic Bobbeh3! He's escaping, we can't set him free onto the community!" shouted our Bobbeh3.
+Bobbeh3 looked thoughtful. "I know what will do the trick!" He pulled out a miniature spraycan from one of his many pockets. "Mr Sheen - Shines Umpteen Things Clean, you know!"
Bobbeh3 looked at the can with some doubt.
"That's an excellent idea, but...Well, I rather find..." He picked up a similar can from the kitchen floor where it had been discarded earlier, "That Mr Muscle Loves The Jobs You Hate. How about we combine their powers, Angelic Bobbeh3?"
"I don't see why not, genius Bobbeh3!"
And so, armed with Mr Sheen and Mr Muscle, the two Bobbehs launched themselves at their evil double, and had him much more fragrant in no time. They both kept a tight grip on him by his (now rather polished) overcoat.
"Now what do we do?" asked Bobbeh1, struggling to keep hold of very squirmy evil self. Bobbeh2, meanwhile, was having to put up with his own evil self leaning against him in a very unsavoury way.
"Well..." mused the angelic Bobbeh1, "Where did they come from in the first place?"
"Well, Bobbeh2 there - the, er, bad one -" remembered Bobbeh3, "He came in by the back door. Or rather, the window. From outside."
"And your evil self, Bobbeh3, was loitering in the street before." added Bobbeh2.
"Aha!" shouted the angelic Bobbeh3, "Then the back garden it must be!"
Hauling their evil selves along, the Bobbehs headed outside to the garden. Thankfully, the sudden rainfall from earlier on had eased off, the clouds had passed, and the bright moonlight revealed a big ominous hole in the ground, surrounded by a hazy mist.
"There" said +Bobbeh3, pointing it out, "That'll be their magical portal to their universe. Rather like ours in the bathroom - except that, oh, they always have to make such a mess!"
"I'm not going back there again." muttered the evil Bobbeh2, sulking now he knew what the plans really were. "Far more interesting up here."
"Well you'll have to, Master Bobbeh2. Until you learn to behave yourself and stop your nefarious schemes."
"Wankers."
"How about we pay you all a visit sometime? We could always pop in, redecorate, cook you something nutritious, and play some jolly fun games afterwards. What do you say to that?"
"NO." spat the evil Bobbeh1.
Looking slightly horrified, the evil Bobbehs seemed convinced that maybe they didn't want to hang around this lot after all. The Bobbehs reclaimed their shower attachment and tie (and other items that the evil Bobbehs had managed to procure on their adventure), and their evil selves stepped forwards to the portal.
"So long, see you, and certainly wouldn't want to be you." waved the evil Bobbeh2. And with that, they all jumped into the hole, there was a flash of red light and they were gone.
~
"Well of course they don't like us." hypothesised the angelic Bobbeh3 as the remaining Bobbehs went back inside the house. "If they were exactly the same as us, it would be terribly confusing."
"But I'm confused already." pouted Bobbeh1.
Suddenly they all became aware of a strange sound coming from the other room - an urgent kind of moaning.
"Oh no," cried Bobbeh1, "We haven't got ghosts too, have we?"
Bobbeh3 grabbed hold of Bobbeh1's shoulders, somewhat nervous himself. "I thought the Evil Bobbehs had all left? Who on earth is that?"
Worried, the six Bobbehs made their way to the drawing room to investigate the source of the sound. They opened the door to reveal Bobbeh Lindsay bound, gagged, and - for no explicable reason - sat on top of the television.
"Mphf fmpph Phbby!" he said, because it's quite difficult to talk with someone else's underwear in your mouth.
"Good heavens! It's Master Lindsay!" cried the Angelic Bobbeh3 in surprise, "Oh, what a terrible thing to happen. He's such a lovely lad too."
"Is he?" wondered Bobbeh3 a little too loudly.
Bobbeh2 rushed over and set Bobbeh Lindsay free - not that the honorary Bobbeh was much happier for this.
"Argh, keep back you - keep back!" he shouted, toppling backwards off the television.
"Whatever's the matter? It's only *me*, Bobbeh!"
"Yeah, and you've been nothing but weird tonight. More than usual, I should add!"
Lindsay caught sight of Bobbeh1 and noticed that the youngest Bobbeh was now without the black hair and cowboy hat. This just confused him even more.
"Were.... were those your Halloween costumes before or something?" he asked, "What's going on in this madhouse?"
"Well..." began Bobbeh2 awkwardly, "You see, there was a bit of a to-do before. There was rather a glitch with the phone and it unleashed our evil selves onto the household, and we had to enlist the help of our... Higher selves to sort the whole bally mess out..."
He trailed off as Bobbeh Lindsay wasn't really listening anyway. Lindsay, it appeared, had only just realised that there was six Bobbehs in the room besides himself.
"Nooooo....!" Lindsay wailed, his head in his hands, "It's that Bobbeh clone nightmare again! It's come true!"
The angelic Bobbeh3 coughed politely and turned away from Lindsay's personal crisis. "Er, I think it's probably time we were off. Our work here is done, and there's many more things we need to do elsewhere. A Bobbeh's work is never done, you see."
Bobbeh3 nodded. "I know that feeling."
"Yes, well, times that by twenty - that's how busy we are, dear fellow!"
The angelic Bobbehs headed upstairs for the bathroom, closely followed by their original selves. Bobbeh3 was secretly rather relieved that they were leaving - he was finding his other self to be just a tad bit condescending.
Once back in the bathtub, the angelic Bobbehs assumed their positions (whatever they were...), and our Bobbehs stood well back.
"It's been lovely to meet you." said +Bobbeh1 graciously, "I hope we can meet again soon!"
"Don't do anything we wouldn't do!" said the angelic Bobbeh2 with a smile ("Rules out a fair bit, doesn't it?" muttered Bobbeh2 under his breath, and Bobbeh1 laughed).
With one last regal wave, the angelic Bobbehs disappeared with a flash of white light and the bath was empty once again. Our Bobbehs left the bathroom with mixed feelings and headed down the stairs.
"Our Higher selves were really nice," mused Bobbeh1, "And at least they didn't break my things, but... well... they were a bit on t'dull side."
"Don't worry, Bobbeh1, I know what you mean." agreed Bobbeh2. "At the end of the day, I think we're far more balanced and normal than any of them."
"And surely I'm not quite the neat freak that my other self is, am I ?" questioned Bobbeh3. The other two Bobbehs remained mysteriously quiet. "Ah, well anyway - what matters is that both my Bobbehs are here, in one piece, and just exactly as I like them too.
"Now, excuse me - I think I may have to tidy and clean up the kitchen. Just a little bit. And then in the morning, I best telephone Kris Barrier, see if he could fill the hole in the garden for us."
And with that, Bobbeh3 went to pimp up the kitchen again with the help of his friends Mr Muscle.
Meanwhile, Bobbeh Lindsay sidled into the hall, and shuffled around awkwardly, hands in pockets.
"Er, Robert? Bobbeh2? I was, uh... I was wondering if you still wanted to go to the pictures?"
Bobbeh2 looked surprised. "Well, indeed!"
"The, uh, little Bobbeh can come along too if he wants to. Why not, eh. The evening can only get better. But - " He suddenly looked up and spoke resolutely "I'm not seeing the Bobbeh De Niro flick again!"
".... Really?"
"Yes, really. Too much Bobbeh for one evening, I think."
"Fair enough, old chap."
"I'll say this, your place certainly isn't dull." added Lindsay, as they headed out of the front door. But then he stopped, hovering in the doorway as if remembering something. "Where did those girls go?"
"What girls?" asked a puzzled Bobbeh2.
"When you - well, the other you - answered the door earlier, there were two girls on the floor. Looked a bit ded."
"Uh oh...." uttered Bobbeh1.
The evil Bobbeh2 had obviously been a bit more busy than they'd thought...
THE END. NO, RLY.
Any questions, or indeed any answers, feel free. And... HAPPY HALLOWEEN!