BOBBEHFIC: Night of the Evile Ded Part One.
April 2006. London. A theatre bar.
kolaqube:I've got the new Bobbehfic in me bag, actually. Do you want to see the intro?
mysticheaven:No, no, I'll wait til it's all done!
kolaqube:[sheepishly] Could be a while.
mysticheaven:So, what's this one like?
kolaqube:Sorta dark, really. Like, a Halloween Bobbehfic!
mysticheaven: Is that when it will be finished?
kolaqube:... Probably.
Ah well. I keep my word. Just in time for Halloween (<333) here be the longest Bobbehfic ever. I started it in April, and I've no idea what some of it's about myself. I can't remember what 'phase' Bobbeh2 was in for example, but it appears to include eyeliner.
It's very long - this is just part one! - so you may want to to Notepad+Print it or something. If you're bothered, that is.
Title: Night of the Evile Ded
Pairing: Well, it's, uh, Bobbehfic, but to be honest there's some surprise slash.
Rating: Um, I think PG but I wouldn't inflict this on kids for the sake of sanity.
Warnings: Injokes, smut, the tiniest of crack whore references, near-incest, and complete insanity.
Author's Notes: Yes, this idea is borrowed from Grant Naylor, really. Basically, you know Demons and Angels? Well, what would the Low and High Bobbehs be like? Yah. So, thanks Mr Grant, Mr Naylor. And Ehma, who was able to answer the above question far more easily than me.
In Part One, Bobbeh1's being adorable, there's a cameo appearance from *cough*, and the evil Bobbeh2 pushes Bobbeh3 over the edge. Well, in the general direction of it. And - OMG- Bobbeh Lindsay's first fic appearance!
4722 words. Yeah.
Disclaimer: None of this has happened, I don't own the real Bobbehs, and they're very nice really.
Starring:
Bobbeh1
Bobbeh2
Bobbeh3
Teh Lindsay
Night of the Evile Ded
When there's something strange in your Bobbehhood, who you're gonna call? Well, anyone as long as Bobbeh1's not dialling...
None of them could remember why the two girls were there in the first place.
Bobbeh1 was unlikely to have invited them. Girls were still a bit of a mystery to him, and these two were particularly of the insane variety. From the moment they had arrived, they had been all over him like some maniacal, giggly rash. He'd had to tell them several times that in school they spelt cute with a c rather than a k, and that his Dongle was perfectly innocent, and just when he thought they couldn't bewilder him more was when the accident happened.
Bobbeh2 didn't appear responsible, either - but then responsibility was something Bobbeh3 had been trying to make him grasp for some time, with little success. Bobbeh2 has been getting ready for a night out - the fact that it was Sunday night, and that he had expressly been told 'NO', clearly wasn't deterring him as he stood in the hallway applying a fourth coat of eyeliner. He'd taken a quick look at the girls - one of them looked vaguely familiar in a scary way - but had decided that texting his new 'friend', Bobbeh Lindsay, was far more pressingly important. If he texted him a sixth time, he might reply to this one.
Bobbeh3, meanwhile, had given an exasperated sigh as he bustled around the kitchen. He was used to the Bobbehpad being full of random visitors, but it was always so terribly inconvenient. How was he supposed to complete his cleaning in time for Monday's Klassiest & Kleanest Kitchens of the Kountry Kontest when the house had been taken over by incessantly giggling girls? And what *was* so funny about his big pink duster anyway that had to keep pointing at it? At least, Bobbeh3 supposed as he pulled out his old friend Mr Muscle, they didn't make much in terms of a mess.
But then, Bobbeh3 hadn't witnessed the loller!accident.
Back in the hall, Bobbeh1 stood over the two girls, a thumb pressed to his lips in worry as he tried to decipher if this was his fault or not. One minute they had been laughing, something to do with the hat stand apparently, and the next - well, there they were on the floor, looking decidedly ded.
"Bobbeh2..." he whispered, pulling at the bigger Bobbeh's sleeve, "I think they're ded."
"Who's dead?" Don't pull at that, Bob, you'll stretch it."
"The two girls. They were laughing, and now they're ded."
"What two girls? Oh I see, those two g- Oh my gosh, HE'S REPLIED. No, wait, it's merely a service text..."
With Bobbeh2 once again being absorbed by his phone, it seemed that the fate of the two girls laid in the youngest Bobbeh's podgy hand. Which was a somewhat sticky place to be.
Bobbeh1 looked uncertainly at the hall telephone. He was sure he was meant to call someone in these circumstances. Ghostbusters? No, wait, Bobbeh3 insisted they weren't real. The police? No, that wasn't it. But it was something noisy with flashing lights. An ice-cream van, that's what they needed! No, hang on, maybe not. Firefighters, maybe he should ring them? Oh, he was tempted, maybe they'd let him have a ride, but no. How about that man who Bobbeh3 had invited to his last birthday party? He had a van with flashy lights and noise. 'DJ Collines', wasn't it? Maybe not, though, he hadn't been much help when Bobbeh2 had randomly passed out in the middle of Agadoo. Ah - Bobbeh1 had finally remembered who to call.
"Bobbeh2, Bobbeh2! I need to phone t'ambulance. They've got special beds and everything."
"Hmm?" his mobile clutched eagerly in one hand, Bobbeh2 lifted his mirror up higher with the other and idly studied his jawline. "Well, phone them, then."
"Well, I thought you're holding a tellyphone, so..."
"Oh, we can't possibly use this, Bobbeh1. I need to know the exact time when Robert replies because Cosmo... well, some magazine, says that if... oh, never mind."
"But I don't know t'ambulance number."
"Of course you know the number."
"Really, Bobbeh2, I don't know t'number."
"Everyone knows the number!"
"Nobody's ever tole me t'number."
"Well, you're the one who goes to lessons and all that, surely... Alright, I'll give you t'num - the number. Nine nine nine.
"Thank you muchly, Bobbeh2."
With a resigned sigh, Bobbeh2 turned away and began shaking a can of hairspray vigorously. Bobbeh1 got hold of the hall telephone and slowly dialled t'number, his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth as it was wont to do in times of deep concentration.
"Hello? Is that t'ambulance?" he asked, uncertainly.
There was no reply. Bobbeh1 shook the phone and banged it on the table (a method he'd seen Bobbeh2 use to get things working), before trying again.
"Hello? Anyone there?"
He put the phone down sadly. "Bobbeh2, I think the phone's ded too."
"Tch, everything's dead around here, I have to go and catch me some living vibes."
But before Bobbeh1 could question what these vibes were (and if they had anything to do with vibrating things), the lights flickered and there was a strange howling sound from out in the back yard.
"That wasn't me." said Bobbeh1 unnecessarily.
~
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Bobbeh3 was having a fabulous time with Mr Muscle when the light malfunction interrupted his close scrutinisation of the oven grill.
Tutting loudly, he got to his feet and stood in his Slightly Annoyed Bobbeh3 stance, hands on hips.
"What are you all up to now? And was that hairspray I could hear before? What have I told you, Bobethony, about hairspray?"
Actually, what *had* he told him? Apart from how ridiculous he looked lately with what appeared to be a bird's nest on his head? But before he could fully run through his complete list of Things I Have Told Bobbeh2, there was an almighty bang. A flash of lightning revealed a figure standing at the back door and Bobbeh3 jumped as far up in the air as the ceiling would allow, the can of Mr Muscle flying out of his hand and landing under the kitchen table with a clatter.
Trying to compose himself, he moved slowly forward and with relief recognised the silhouette at the back door. Or rather, its vertical hair. Only Bobbeh2 would have hair that silly, surely.
"I thought you were inside!" Bobbeh3 shouted as he got the key. "Who on *Earth* told you that you could..."
But this was clearly taking far too much time for Bobbeh2's liking, and he had decided he would let himself in. With a brick. Through the kitchen window.
As a pair of long legs encased in leather entered through the window and onto the worktop, Bobbeh3 was at pains over what to comment on first.
"What the blinking blinkerty blinks is the meaning of this, Robert? There's a perfectly good door, there. Perfectly good. And what time do you call this? Didn't I tell you- in fact, if you think you're ever going out again you have another thing coming."
Bobbeh2 shrugged as he jumped off the worktop. "Whatever."
This particularly inappropriate vernacular seemed to be the final straw for Bobbeh3.
"I haven't finished yet! You've been treading a very thin line for quite a while, miladdio, but I do believe you've well and truly crossed it! DON'T you raise a nonchalant eyebrow at me, mister! And look at the state of you - no wonder you sneaked out behind my back! No coat in this weather? Mind you, you've stolen that coat anyway, don't think I haven't noticed! What *will* the neighbours say? I'll tell you what they'll say, they'll say, 'There goes a complete tart', because that's what you look like. A complete tart. It's bad enough you have to *be* one without looking like one too...."
Bobbeh3 stopped for breath as he contemplated that he might have got that the wrong way round. But he ploughed on regardless.
"No doubt you've been out with that thug, master Lindsay. I knew he was a bad influence from the start, I should have seen this coming. I thought you had more sense than this, but quite clearly you *don't*! You used to be such a nice Bobbeh until these thugs corrupted you and turned you into the monster you are now! I go to all the trouble of finding you a decent education, refined friends, and tailormade suits - and you're quite happy for everyone to see you as a cheap, drunken bimbo! What a fine example to set young Bobbeh1! He adores you, you know, and he shouldn't have to see you behaving in such a way. Well, see this? This is my foot, and I'M PUTTING IT DOWN... Are you laughing at me, Bobbeh2? I suppose you think this is funny!"
Indeed he did - in fact, throughout Bobbeh3's endless tirade, Bobbeh2 had been practically weeping tears of mirth. And then with a boyish giggle, Bobbeh2 pulled out a packet of something distinctly more hardcore than sherbert from his jacket and gave it an experimental sniff.
"Good heavens." muttered Bobbeh3, and any further words escaped him.
Bobbeh2 took this opportunity to raid the cupboards, trailing mud and rainwater around the kitchen as he went. "Got any cake?"
The oldest Bobbeh sat down wearily at the table, hands to his head. " You can't take that, it's what left of Bobbeh1's birthday cake."
"So?" came the cakey reply.
Bobbeh3 sighed yet again. "So you could at least go and dry off first, you're trailing-"
"I'm going to get some new threads."
"You do that. Oh, the middle finger. How eloquent. Yes, see you later, Robert. No, I'll clean up that broken bottle you've just dropped, you just stomp carelessly upstairs.
Bobbeh3 pinched himself on the offchance that he was in a long length nightmare. It hurt.
~
Of course, the problem with Bobbeh2 going upstairs was that he already *was* upstairs.
The second the lights had begun to flicker and lightning struck, Bobbeh1 had begun to whimper. Out in the hall with the Two Ded Girls, he had clutched Bobbeh2's sleeve once again, this time in fright. Showing he still had a caring side, and with the added benefit of saving the elasticity of his shirt, Bobbeh2 had gathered Bobbeh1 up and carried him upstairs.
This was the second biggest mistake he had made tonight, right after choosing the wrong shade of eyeliner. No, right after letting Bobbeh1 dial t'number. No, thinking about it, the eyeliner definitely was number one, it didn't suit his fair complexion.
Upstairs, the lights continued to flicker, and so Bobbeh2 - setting Bobbeh1 down carefully in Bobbeh1's bedroom - lit some candles in the hope of quite literally shedding some light on the matter. But far from improving matters, it just served to make the room more shadowy and eerie.
"Bobbeh2... something's wrong. I have a really bad feeling and it's all wrong." whimpered Bobbeh1 from amongst his soft toy collection.
"What exactly did you do?"
"N...n...nothing! I didn't mean to!"
"I didn't say you meant to, I'm just trying to find out what exactly you did."
Just then, Bobbeh2 was distracted by something outside. Seeing a mystery figure head (in a somewhat drunken manner) up the road and towards the house, he eagerly opened the window and leant out. "Lindsay! Lindsay! Why, there you are! 'Yo!"
The figure, looking decidedly taller and shabbier than Bobbeh Lindsay, looked up and grinned eerily from under his hood.
"Maybe not." muttered Bobbeh2, his cheeks reddening. "Gosh, how embarrassing- OW."
An empty bottle had unexpectedly sailed up to the window, hitting Bobbeh2 squarely on the head. He slammed the window shut and hastily rearranged his hair.
"Listen, Bobbeh1, I don't wish to alarm you, but there's a very strange - and very rude- man lingering out there. I'm just going to slip downstairs and warn Bobbeh3 to lock all the doors. Well, unless Bobbeh Lindsay arrives, that is."
Trying his best to ignore Bobbeh1's lip wobbling (something that Bobbeh1 had perfected to a fine art), Bobbeh2 nipped downstairs. " Bobbeh3? Bobbh3! There's some ghastly-"
"Ah. You look marginally better now."
Bobbeh2 stopped in his tracks, and gave a paranoid glance down at his own body. "...What?"
"Pardon. I'm saying, I see you've made the effort to put a suit on now, even if the eyeliner is a little misguided as always. But if you think I'm going back on my word, I'm not. You're still grounded."
"What, pardon? I haven't done anything!"
"I beg to differ, Bobbeh2. Smashing windows, smearing mud everywhere, eating Bobbeh1's cake and sniffing... cola or whatever, it's been quite a busy night for you already."
"...You been at the Ajax again?"
"I've seen you. Don't give me your amnesia routine."
Bobbeh2 raised his eyebrows. "Bobbeh3, I've been here all evening. I've been waiting for B.... I've been waiting for a telephone call."
"Oho! We've used that excuse before, haven't we Bobethony! You think I didn't realise you were sneaking out behind my back! Well, I'm not going to stand for it anymore! In fact, I'm going to sit down, have a cup of tea, and then we're going to have a big long discussion involving you, that thug Bobbeh Lindsay..."
"Now, see here!" Bobbeh2 put his hands on his hips indignantly. "I haven't been anywhere all day! You can't ground me for something I haven't done!"
"Correction - something you're pretending you haven't done. I know when you're lying to me, Robert, you face turns bright red at the temples!"
"I've just been hit on the bonce with a bottle!"
"Ah, it's all coming out now!
"Nmmm!"
"And don't you start with those silly indignant noises at me. I knew you'd been drinking again. And I suppose one of his cronies had this bottle, did he?"
"NO, it was that weird bloke who's loitering outside RIGHT NOW, Bobbeh3."
"... What weird bloke?"
"The one I came to tell you about before you started throwing slanderous accusations at me and stuff I haven't done! I was in Bobbeh1's bedroom and this strange fellow was coming up to the house. please believe me Bobbeh3, I've been here all evening. Much as I'd like to go out..."
"So you didn't come in via breaking my kitchen window?"
"Heavens, no. I'm not stupid."
"Are you not, Bobbeh2?"
This was too much for Bobbeh2. "Whateveeeerrrrrrrr!"
"Is it a full moon or something tonight? Something very odd is going on here." Bobbeh3 addressed the empty space on the stairs, as Bobbeh2 had already stomped back upstairs.
As he idly wondered, and not for the first time, if Bobbeh2 was suffering from an identity crisis or a full blown multiple personality disorder, there came a smashing sound from the kitchen. It was nowhere near as loud as the sound of Bobbeh3's heart breaking at the thought of another obstacle in the way of the Kountry's Klassiest & Kleanest Kitchen.
Tentatively, he walked back in to find the fridge in a decidedly more horizontal position than it should ideally be in, the other kitchen window broken, and Bobbeh1 sat atop the fridge with a wide grin plastered across his grubby face.
"Oh... Bobbeh1!"
The eldest Bobbeh felt the usual tug of emotions when Bobbeh1 had been found in a less than compromising situation. It was probably an accident - maybe he tripped on his shoelaces whilst opening the fridge door. Something like that. He couldn't help being clumsy, he was only young. Bobbeh2 was just the same - it was all those long limbs - except that these days most of his accidents were on purpose. Bobbeh1 never meant it, it was never his fault really.
"Don't worry, Bobbeh1, it wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to push the fridge over and break the window, did you?"
The young Bobbeh nodded eagerly.
"...You did mean it?"
And again. Now, this just wouldn't do. Bobbeh3 rubbed his chin as he considered this unexpected twist. Surely if he just looked into that cherubic face, then he could forgive- hang on. Something wasn't right about Bobbeh1's face, not right at all. Those cheeks were a tad less rosy and squeezable than usual. It wasn't as if the Bobbehs had been neglecting him... he had been looking thinner lately but... well that must be something to do with Bobbeh2, because he wasn't... maybe little Bob's feeling under the weather. But... his hair! Bobbeh3 did a comedy double-take. His hair was black! His lovely angelic blonde curls were black. There could only be one explanation for this.
"Bobbeh2! Robert! Bobethony the Second! GET YOUR BACKSIDE DOWN HERE NOW!"
~
Back upstairs, Bobbeh2 vaguely heard his name being called and shook his head in disbelief. Was he shouting at *him*? What *was* he whittering on about now?
He couldn't find Bobbeh1. Wherever the little Bobbeh was, he was keeping incredibly quiet. Assuming he must be hiding (and, thought Bobbeh3 to himself, a lot more effectively than the Hide and Seek games in which the Bobbehs had to feign 'giving up'), Bobbeh2 gave up the search.
Crossing over into his own bedroom, he checked his phone once again in the vain hope that Bobbeh Lindsay may have decided to reply - no such luck. Trying to convince himself that he wasn't bovvered, he tossed the phone across the room, switched off the light, and threw himself onto the bed.
Something inside it moved.
Somehow Bobbeh2 managed to fight an natural urge to jump and scream girlishly as he remembered that was not What Bobbeh De Niro Would Do. Instead he laid there, frozen, as he tried to figure out who or what it logically be. Which was understandably harder to do when a hand snaked up his leg and began to rub his thigh.
"Bobbeh1..." he said gently, ever so polite, "You may hide in my bed by all means, but... Well, isn't that a tad inappropriate?"
The mystery hand didn't think so as it moved around to a place Bobbeh2 found particularly ticklish.
Trying to stifle a giggle in the hope of sounding serious, he tried again. "Bobbeh1, I don't think..."
He was very quickly silenced by the figure rolling over and kneeling on top of him instead. Bobbeh2 stiffened up completely. Hmm, curious.
Actually, thought Bobbeh2 as the intruder continued to touch him inappropriately, this didn't feel at all like Bobbeh1. Feeling the intruder's weight pinning him down, this seemed to be someone bigger - and yet it certainly wasn't eHollister by a long shot, he could tell by the way his back wasn't breaking.
"Er, excuse me?" he tried again. "Er, who are you please? It's just that-"
Failing to give an answer, the mystery figure instead decided to shut Bobbeh2 up by planting their mouth on him. Finding it somewhat hard to talk in the circumstances, Bobbeh2 could only lie back in defeat, looking perplexed in the dark.
This all very nice, but dash it all, he needed to know who had broken into his room and was so keen to keep him company. Whoever it was smelt strongly of cigarette smoke, gin, and cheap aftershave. Hardly likely to be Bobbeh3, then.
Well, then, who...? Maybe it was one of Bobbeh1's friends. Cautiously, he lifted a hand up and felt for the stranger's face in the dark. Hmm, a strong jawline, good head of hair. An earring? Gosh.
Seeming as his unexpected visitor didn't seem to mind one little bit, Bobbeh2 let his hands travel further South too. What *were* they wearing? Heels? In the bed? Gosh, how kinky. Whoever it was, they didn't have skinny angular figure of Alex and they were much taller than any of the Nicks, neither could it be Paul, because he'd be watching instead, and so Bobbeh2 crossed them (somewhat sadly, but that's between us) off his mental list of Who It Could Possibly Be. But spurred on by the stranger's lack of inhibition, he copped a feel anyway.
Well, if it wasn't a Franz, and it wasn't a Bobbeh... wait. hang on. There was one possibility he hadn't considered. Bobbeh2 raised an incredulous eyebrow in the dark.
"Bobbeh Lindsay... is that *you*?"
But before the stranger could make any further moves, on cue his mobile began to ring. He broke away from the stranger, reluctantly, and sat up, his heart racing. That couldn't be...
The answerphone came on and the voice that Bobbeh2 had been waiting to hear boomed gruffly in the darkness.
"Robert. I got your text. All eleven of them, in fact - maybe you didn't fully understand when I said I was busy tonight. The fifth time I said it. I guess I might drop by later - I'll need my coat back for a start. I'll just get back home first and check that my CDs are in alphabetical order or something important like that. Bye."
Leaning back, Bobbeh2 laughed unnecessarily loud. "He's just playing hard to get, again!" he addressed the intruder.
And then, without the stranger even touching him this time, a shiver ran up his spine.
Slowly, his trembling hand felt for and found the light switch for the bedside lamp. The light came on, and holding his breath he turned around. Smiling back at him were some very familiar features.
And so they should be familiar, given the time he dedicated to looking at them in the mirror each day.
This time Bobbeh2 really did jump off the bed with a girlish scream.
~
By most people's standards, a quiet Sunday night at the Bobbeh's was never actually quiet and uneventful. But down in the kitchen, Bobbeh3 couldn't help but think that something was particularly amiss tonight.
Now, erratic behaviour from Bobbeh2 was almost something to be expected these days. But Bobbeh1 behaving out of sorts ON PURPOSE... well, something wasn't right with the universe right now, clearly.
With a sigh, Bobbeh3 wiped away the blob of ice cream that had launched itself at his face, and tried once again to reason with the young Bobbeh.
"Is something bothering you, Bobbeh1? Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Can I get any words out of you tonight, other than 'no'?"
"No."
"I see." Another blob of ice cream was lobbed in his direction. "Bobbeh1, I feel at this point I really ought to... Well, I really ought to tell you off."
"NO." came the more forceful response, Bobbeh1's lower lip pouting insolently. Except that this tried-and-tested method didn't have the effect that it usually had. Suddenly, Bobbeh3 didn't find it endearingly cute, he found it rude, insolent, and frankly rather irritating.
It was at this point that he realised this could not possibly be *his* Bobbeh1. This horrifying thought hit him a second before the cookie jar did, at the back of his head. He wasn't sure which one actually made him pass out. Mainly because he was now unconscious.
~
"You great big bloody girl. Look at you."
Looking at himself was precisely what Bobbeh2 was doing right now, in a very literal sense, as he was stood trying hard not to visibly quiver in the corner of his room furthest away from the person who appeared to be himself. He'd never been simultaneously fascinated and petrified before.
His other self was laid out on the bed, a cigarette now in his mouth and a mocking smile on his really rather arrogant face.
"Really," he spoke, his voice a little less well spoken than Bobbeh2's, "I've never heard anyone scream like such a bloody girl. Not even... y'know, girls."
"I've just been molested by myself!" protested the original Bobbeh2.
"...I'm sure it's not the first time." muttered his double, lighting his cigarette.
"Well, I mean, I - Well, it's just the principle!" flustered Bobbeh2. "Who are you, anyway? I mean, you can't be me because, well, I'm me. And yet you appear to be-"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." The other Bobbeh got up and began to examine the contents of Bobbeh2's bedroom.
"You don't seem to be a future me, or a past me - hands off my tie collection please - are you some kind of twin?"
"Who cares?" laughed the double, coming over to Bobbeh2, "You talk too bloody much."
"Yes, well, maybe that's because when one is faced with... What *are* you doing? Why, get off! That's my... that's my property. Get off my hips, please."
"You weren't saying that before - what's mine is yours and yours is mine!"
"How dare - oh yes, oh, very witty. So you *are* some confounded version of me, then, I take it? How did you get here anyway?"
But Bobbeh2's question wasn't being answered in a hurry as his doppelganger was far too occupied with trying to get Bobbeh2's trousers down.
"I said how did you - stop that at once!"
The double laughed as Bobbeh2 attempted to prize his fingers from his beltloops. "Oh come on, you know you want to." he purred.
"No, I... No! No, I bloody well don't!"
"And why not?"
"Well... it's terribly incestual for a start."
"So?"
"Oh my word, you're unbelievable."
His double grinned up at him. "I know."
"Well, I can't. When I said no, I mean NO."
"Not all of you's in agreement..."
"Look, just because you look like me doesn't mean that I am some insatiable, lustful, perverted deviant who... Oh blimey."
"No, don't stop there, talk about me some more..."
"Oh buggery blimey... What have you done with Bobbeh1?"
"Who?"
"He's been missing for far too long now... Don't give me 'WHO', you know full well who I mean. Blonde hair, cherub face, covered with jam. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BOBBEH1!?!"
His evil twin thought about this for a moment. "Not half as much as I'd like to do with you." he grinned.
Incensed beyond flustering, Bobbeh2 pulled off his tie and began to tie it around his double's neck in a manner more violent than was necessary. Although before Bobbeh2 could strangle his own evil twin (and consequently cause some kind of complication in the universal good-evil balance), he was luckily distracted by a muffled sound from the wardrobe.
"...Bobbeh1? Is that you?" Pushing his double away and yanking his trousers back up, he dashed over to the wardrobe and opened the door for Bobbeh1 to tumble out backwards. Bobbeh2 hurriedly removed his favourite tie from Bobbeh1's mouth and untied Bobbeh1's hands, unable to notice his evil twin sneaking out of the bedroom gasping for air.
"Bobbeh2... you frightened me." pouted the young Bobbeh. His face was flushed and he smelt distinctly leathery and aftershavey.
"Did he hurt you?"
"Well...no...but...you...he...pushed me a lot and... I said no a lot and he didn't seem to like it and he wanted stuff and I said he couldn't and he got angry and you're scary when you're angry, Bobbeh2."
Bobbeh2 blushed. "Well... I do get a tad carried away sometimes, yes... but Bobbeh1, that wasn't me. I don't know how, but it seems that something strange has happened allowing my evil twin from another universe to break into my bedroom."
"...I didn't do it!"
"I didn't say you were responsible , Bobbeh1, I'm just - Did he say anything to you about where he was from?"
"No. But he BROKE MY BASS, Bobbeh2!"
Bobbeh2's jaw dropped. "Now, that really is uncalled for evil!"
"I knoowwwww. I don't want him to stay, Bobbeh2. Because you can be all nice and cuddly, but he's like you when you're scary but much worse!"
Trying hard not to think about what Bobbeh1 was actually saying, whatever it was, Bobbeh2 took his hand (discreetly wiping it first) and held it tightly. "Well, you're going to stick with me now, Bobbeh1, and don't worry, we'll get rid of me - I mean him - somehow. And mend your bass. You okay, Bobbeh1?"
"Yes, I am now. Bobbeh2?"
"Aha?"
"I love you."
"And I love you very much too."
"I hope I didn't make too much of a mess in your wardrobe. It was an accident."
"......"
End of Part One.
kolaqube:I've got the new Bobbehfic in me bag, actually. Do you want to see the intro?
mysticheaven:No, no, I'll wait til it's all done!
kolaqube:[sheepishly] Could be a while.
mysticheaven:So, what's this one like?
kolaqube:Sorta dark, really. Like, a Halloween Bobbehfic!
mysticheaven: Is that when it will be finished?
kolaqube:... Probably.
Ah well. I keep my word. Just in time for Halloween (<333) here be the longest Bobbehfic ever. I started it in April, and I've no idea what some of it's about myself. I can't remember what 'phase' Bobbeh2 was in for example, but it appears to include eyeliner.
It's very long - this is just part one! - so you may want to to Notepad+Print it or something. If you're bothered, that is.
Title: Night of the Evile Ded
Pairing: Well, it's, uh, Bobbehfic, but to be honest there's some surprise slash.
Rating: Um, I think PG but I wouldn't inflict this on kids for the sake of sanity.
Warnings: Injokes, smut, the tiniest of crack whore references, near-incest, and complete insanity.
Author's Notes: Yes, this idea is borrowed from Grant Naylor, really. Basically, you know Demons and Angels? Well, what would the Low and High Bobbehs be like? Yah. So, thanks Mr Grant, Mr Naylor. And Ehma, who was able to answer the above question far more easily than me.
In Part One, Bobbeh1's being adorable, there's a cameo appearance from *cough*, and the evil Bobbeh2 pushes Bobbeh3 over the edge. Well, in the general direction of it. And - OMG- Bobbeh Lindsay's first fic appearance!
4722 words. Yeah.
Disclaimer: None of this has happened, I don't own the real Bobbehs, and they're very nice really.
Starring:
Bobbeh1
Bobbeh2
Bobbeh3
Teh Lindsay
Night of the Evile Ded
When there's something strange in your Bobbehhood, who you're gonna call? Well, anyone as long as Bobbeh1's not dialling...
None of them could remember why the two girls were there in the first place.
Bobbeh1 was unlikely to have invited them. Girls were still a bit of a mystery to him, and these two were particularly of the insane variety. From the moment they had arrived, they had been all over him like some maniacal, giggly rash. He'd had to tell them several times that in school they spelt cute with a c rather than a k, and that his Dongle was perfectly innocent, and just when he thought they couldn't bewilder him more was when the accident happened.
Bobbeh2 didn't appear responsible, either - but then responsibility was something Bobbeh3 had been trying to make him grasp for some time, with little success. Bobbeh2 has been getting ready for a night out - the fact that it was Sunday night, and that he had expressly been told 'NO', clearly wasn't deterring him as he stood in the hallway applying a fourth coat of eyeliner. He'd taken a quick look at the girls - one of them looked vaguely familiar in a scary way - but had decided that texting his new 'friend', Bobbeh Lindsay, was far more pressingly important. If he texted him a sixth time, he might reply to this one.
Bobbeh3, meanwhile, had given an exasperated sigh as he bustled around the kitchen. He was used to the Bobbehpad being full of random visitors, but it was always so terribly inconvenient. How was he supposed to complete his cleaning in time for Monday's Klassiest & Kleanest Kitchens of the Kountry Kontest when the house had been taken over by incessantly giggling girls? And what *was* so funny about his big pink duster anyway that had to keep pointing at it? At least, Bobbeh3 supposed as he pulled out his old friend Mr Muscle, they didn't make much in terms of a mess.
But then, Bobbeh3 hadn't witnessed the loller!accident.
Back in the hall, Bobbeh1 stood over the two girls, a thumb pressed to his lips in worry as he tried to decipher if this was his fault or not. One minute they had been laughing, something to do with the hat stand apparently, and the next - well, there they were on the floor, looking decidedly ded.
"Bobbeh2..." he whispered, pulling at the bigger Bobbeh's sleeve, "I think they're ded."
"Who's dead?" Don't pull at that, Bob, you'll stretch it."
"The two girls. They were laughing, and now they're ded."
"What two girls? Oh I see, those two g- Oh my gosh, HE'S REPLIED. No, wait, it's merely a service text..."
With Bobbeh2 once again being absorbed by his phone, it seemed that the fate of the two girls laid in the youngest Bobbeh's podgy hand. Which was a somewhat sticky place to be.
Bobbeh1 looked uncertainly at the hall telephone. He was sure he was meant to call someone in these circumstances. Ghostbusters? No, wait, Bobbeh3 insisted they weren't real. The police? No, that wasn't it. But it was something noisy with flashing lights. An ice-cream van, that's what they needed! No, hang on, maybe not. Firefighters, maybe he should ring them? Oh, he was tempted, maybe they'd let him have a ride, but no. How about that man who Bobbeh3 had invited to his last birthday party? He had a van with flashy lights and noise. 'DJ Collines', wasn't it? Maybe not, though, he hadn't been much help when Bobbeh2 had randomly passed out in the middle of Agadoo. Ah - Bobbeh1 had finally remembered who to call.
"Bobbeh2, Bobbeh2! I need to phone t'ambulance. They've got special beds and everything."
"Hmm?" his mobile clutched eagerly in one hand, Bobbeh2 lifted his mirror up higher with the other and idly studied his jawline. "Well, phone them, then."
"Well, I thought you're holding a tellyphone, so..."
"Oh, we can't possibly use this, Bobbeh1. I need to know the exact time when Robert replies because Cosmo... well, some magazine, says that if... oh, never mind."
"But I don't know t'ambulance number."
"Of course you know the number."
"Really, Bobbeh2, I don't know t'number."
"Everyone knows the number!"
"Nobody's ever tole me t'number."
"Well, you're the one who goes to lessons and all that, surely... Alright, I'll give you t'num - the number. Nine nine nine.
"Thank you muchly, Bobbeh2."
With a resigned sigh, Bobbeh2 turned away and began shaking a can of hairspray vigorously. Bobbeh1 got hold of the hall telephone and slowly dialled t'number, his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth as it was wont to do in times of deep concentration.
"Hello? Is that t'ambulance?" he asked, uncertainly.
There was no reply. Bobbeh1 shook the phone and banged it on the table (a method he'd seen Bobbeh2 use to get things working), before trying again.
"Hello? Anyone there?"
He put the phone down sadly. "Bobbeh2, I think the phone's ded too."
"Tch, everything's dead around here, I have to go and catch me some living vibes."
But before Bobbeh1 could question what these vibes were (and if they had anything to do with vibrating things), the lights flickered and there was a strange howling sound from out in the back yard.
"That wasn't me." said Bobbeh1 unnecessarily.
~
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Bobbeh3 was having a fabulous time with Mr Muscle when the light malfunction interrupted his close scrutinisation of the oven grill.
Tutting loudly, he got to his feet and stood in his Slightly Annoyed Bobbeh3 stance, hands on hips.
"What are you all up to now? And was that hairspray I could hear before? What have I told you, Bobethony, about hairspray?"
Actually, what *had* he told him? Apart from how ridiculous he looked lately with what appeared to be a bird's nest on his head? But before he could fully run through his complete list of Things I Have Told Bobbeh2, there was an almighty bang. A flash of lightning revealed a figure standing at the back door and Bobbeh3 jumped as far up in the air as the ceiling would allow, the can of Mr Muscle flying out of his hand and landing under the kitchen table with a clatter.
Trying to compose himself, he moved slowly forward and with relief recognised the silhouette at the back door. Or rather, its vertical hair. Only Bobbeh2 would have hair that silly, surely.
"I thought you were inside!" Bobbeh3 shouted as he got the key. "Who on *Earth* told you that you could..."
But this was clearly taking far too much time for Bobbeh2's liking, and he had decided he would let himself in. With a brick. Through the kitchen window.
As a pair of long legs encased in leather entered through the window and onto the worktop, Bobbeh3 was at pains over what to comment on first.
"What the blinking blinkerty blinks is the meaning of this, Robert? There's a perfectly good door, there. Perfectly good. And what time do you call this? Didn't I tell you- in fact, if you think you're ever going out again you have another thing coming."
Bobbeh2 shrugged as he jumped off the worktop. "Whatever."
This particularly inappropriate vernacular seemed to be the final straw for Bobbeh3.
"I haven't finished yet! You've been treading a very thin line for quite a while, miladdio, but I do believe you've well and truly crossed it! DON'T you raise a nonchalant eyebrow at me, mister! And look at the state of you - no wonder you sneaked out behind my back! No coat in this weather? Mind you, you've stolen that coat anyway, don't think I haven't noticed! What *will* the neighbours say? I'll tell you what they'll say, they'll say, 'There goes a complete tart', because that's what you look like. A complete tart. It's bad enough you have to *be* one without looking like one too...."
Bobbeh3 stopped for breath as he contemplated that he might have got that the wrong way round. But he ploughed on regardless.
"No doubt you've been out with that thug, master Lindsay. I knew he was a bad influence from the start, I should have seen this coming. I thought you had more sense than this, but quite clearly you *don't*! You used to be such a nice Bobbeh until these thugs corrupted you and turned you into the monster you are now! I go to all the trouble of finding you a decent education, refined friends, and tailormade suits - and you're quite happy for everyone to see you as a cheap, drunken bimbo! What a fine example to set young Bobbeh1! He adores you, you know, and he shouldn't have to see you behaving in such a way. Well, see this? This is my foot, and I'M PUTTING IT DOWN... Are you laughing at me, Bobbeh2? I suppose you think this is funny!"
Indeed he did - in fact, throughout Bobbeh3's endless tirade, Bobbeh2 had been practically weeping tears of mirth. And then with a boyish giggle, Bobbeh2 pulled out a packet of something distinctly more hardcore than sherbert from his jacket and gave it an experimental sniff.
"Good heavens." muttered Bobbeh3, and any further words escaped him.
Bobbeh2 took this opportunity to raid the cupboards, trailing mud and rainwater around the kitchen as he went. "Got any cake?"
The oldest Bobbeh sat down wearily at the table, hands to his head. " You can't take that, it's what left of Bobbeh1's birthday cake."
"So?" came the cakey reply.
Bobbeh3 sighed yet again. "So you could at least go and dry off first, you're trailing-"
"I'm going to get some new threads."
"You do that. Oh, the middle finger. How eloquent. Yes, see you later, Robert. No, I'll clean up that broken bottle you've just dropped, you just stomp carelessly upstairs.
Bobbeh3 pinched himself on the offchance that he was in a long length nightmare. It hurt.
~
Of course, the problem with Bobbeh2 going upstairs was that he already *was* upstairs.
The second the lights had begun to flicker and lightning struck, Bobbeh1 had begun to whimper. Out in the hall with the Two Ded Girls, he had clutched Bobbeh2's sleeve once again, this time in fright. Showing he still had a caring side, and with the added benefit of saving the elasticity of his shirt, Bobbeh2 had gathered Bobbeh1 up and carried him upstairs.
This was the second biggest mistake he had made tonight, right after choosing the wrong shade of eyeliner. No, right after letting Bobbeh1 dial t'number. No, thinking about it, the eyeliner definitely was number one, it didn't suit his fair complexion.
Upstairs, the lights continued to flicker, and so Bobbeh2 - setting Bobbeh1 down carefully in Bobbeh1's bedroom - lit some candles in the hope of quite literally shedding some light on the matter. But far from improving matters, it just served to make the room more shadowy and eerie.
"Bobbeh2... something's wrong. I have a really bad feeling and it's all wrong." whimpered Bobbeh1 from amongst his soft toy collection.
"What exactly did you do?"
"N...n...nothing! I didn't mean to!"
"I didn't say you meant to, I'm just trying to find out what exactly you did."
Just then, Bobbeh2 was distracted by something outside. Seeing a mystery figure head (in a somewhat drunken manner) up the road and towards the house, he eagerly opened the window and leant out. "Lindsay! Lindsay! Why, there you are! 'Yo!"
The figure, looking decidedly taller and shabbier than Bobbeh Lindsay, looked up and grinned eerily from under his hood.
"Maybe not." muttered Bobbeh2, his cheeks reddening. "Gosh, how embarrassing- OW."
An empty bottle had unexpectedly sailed up to the window, hitting Bobbeh2 squarely on the head. He slammed the window shut and hastily rearranged his hair.
"Listen, Bobbeh1, I don't wish to alarm you, but there's a very strange - and very rude- man lingering out there. I'm just going to slip downstairs and warn Bobbeh3 to lock all the doors. Well, unless Bobbeh Lindsay arrives, that is."
Trying his best to ignore Bobbeh1's lip wobbling (something that Bobbeh1 had perfected to a fine art), Bobbeh2 nipped downstairs. " Bobbeh3? Bobbh3! There's some ghastly-"
"Ah. You look marginally better now."
Bobbeh2 stopped in his tracks, and gave a paranoid glance down at his own body. "...What?"
"Pardon. I'm saying, I see you've made the effort to put a suit on now, even if the eyeliner is a little misguided as always. But if you think I'm going back on my word, I'm not. You're still grounded."
"What, pardon? I haven't done anything!"
"I beg to differ, Bobbeh2. Smashing windows, smearing mud everywhere, eating Bobbeh1's cake and sniffing... cola or whatever, it's been quite a busy night for you already."
"...You been at the Ajax again?"
"I've seen you. Don't give me your amnesia routine."
Bobbeh2 raised his eyebrows. "Bobbeh3, I've been here all evening. I've been waiting for B.... I've been waiting for a telephone call."
"Oho! We've used that excuse before, haven't we Bobethony! You think I didn't realise you were sneaking out behind my back! Well, I'm not going to stand for it anymore! In fact, I'm going to sit down, have a cup of tea, and then we're going to have a big long discussion involving you, that thug Bobbeh Lindsay..."
"Now, see here!" Bobbeh2 put his hands on his hips indignantly. "I haven't been anywhere all day! You can't ground me for something I haven't done!"
"Correction - something you're pretending you haven't done. I know when you're lying to me, Robert, you face turns bright red at the temples!"
"I've just been hit on the bonce with a bottle!"
"Ah, it's all coming out now!
"Nmmm!"
"And don't you start with those silly indignant noises at me. I knew you'd been drinking again. And I suppose one of his cronies had this bottle, did he?"
"NO, it was that weird bloke who's loitering outside RIGHT NOW, Bobbeh3."
"... What weird bloke?"
"The one I came to tell you about before you started throwing slanderous accusations at me and stuff I haven't done! I was in Bobbeh1's bedroom and this strange fellow was coming up to the house. please believe me Bobbeh3, I've been here all evening. Much as I'd like to go out..."
"So you didn't come in via breaking my kitchen window?"
"Heavens, no. I'm not stupid."
"Are you not, Bobbeh2?"
This was too much for Bobbeh2. "Whateveeeerrrrrrrr!"
"Is it a full moon or something tonight? Something very odd is going on here." Bobbeh3 addressed the empty space on the stairs, as Bobbeh2 had already stomped back upstairs.
As he idly wondered, and not for the first time, if Bobbeh2 was suffering from an identity crisis or a full blown multiple personality disorder, there came a smashing sound from the kitchen. It was nowhere near as loud as the sound of Bobbeh3's heart breaking at the thought of another obstacle in the way of the Kountry's Klassiest & Kleanest Kitchen.
Tentatively, he walked back in to find the fridge in a decidedly more horizontal position than it should ideally be in, the other kitchen window broken, and Bobbeh1 sat atop the fridge with a wide grin plastered across his grubby face.
"Oh... Bobbeh1!"
The eldest Bobbeh felt the usual tug of emotions when Bobbeh1 had been found in a less than compromising situation. It was probably an accident - maybe he tripped on his shoelaces whilst opening the fridge door. Something like that. He couldn't help being clumsy, he was only young. Bobbeh2 was just the same - it was all those long limbs - except that these days most of his accidents were on purpose. Bobbeh1 never meant it, it was never his fault really.
"Don't worry, Bobbeh1, it wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to push the fridge over and break the window, did you?"
The young Bobbeh nodded eagerly.
"...You did mean it?"
And again. Now, this just wouldn't do. Bobbeh3 rubbed his chin as he considered this unexpected twist. Surely if he just looked into that cherubic face, then he could forgive- hang on. Something wasn't right about Bobbeh1's face, not right at all. Those cheeks were a tad less rosy and squeezable than usual. It wasn't as if the Bobbehs had been neglecting him... he had been looking thinner lately but... well that must be something to do with Bobbeh2, because he wasn't... maybe little Bob's feeling under the weather. But... his hair! Bobbeh3 did a comedy double-take. His hair was black! His lovely angelic blonde curls were black. There could only be one explanation for this.
"Bobbeh2! Robert! Bobethony the Second! GET YOUR BACKSIDE DOWN HERE NOW!"
~
Back upstairs, Bobbeh2 vaguely heard his name being called and shook his head in disbelief. Was he shouting at *him*? What *was* he whittering on about now?
He couldn't find Bobbeh1. Wherever the little Bobbeh was, he was keeping incredibly quiet. Assuming he must be hiding (and, thought Bobbeh3 to himself, a lot more effectively than the Hide and Seek games in which the Bobbehs had to feign 'giving up'), Bobbeh2 gave up the search.
Crossing over into his own bedroom, he checked his phone once again in the vain hope that Bobbeh Lindsay may have decided to reply - no such luck. Trying to convince himself that he wasn't bovvered, he tossed the phone across the room, switched off the light, and threw himself onto the bed.
Something inside it moved.
Somehow Bobbeh2 managed to fight an natural urge to jump and scream girlishly as he remembered that was not What Bobbeh De Niro Would Do. Instead he laid there, frozen, as he tried to figure out who or what it logically be. Which was understandably harder to do when a hand snaked up his leg and began to rub his thigh.
"Bobbeh1..." he said gently, ever so polite, "You may hide in my bed by all means, but... Well, isn't that a tad inappropriate?"
The mystery hand didn't think so as it moved around to a place Bobbeh2 found particularly ticklish.
Trying to stifle a giggle in the hope of sounding serious, he tried again. "Bobbeh1, I don't think..."
He was very quickly silenced by the figure rolling over and kneeling on top of him instead. Bobbeh2 stiffened up completely. Hmm, curious.
Actually, thought Bobbeh2 as the intruder continued to touch him inappropriately, this didn't feel at all like Bobbeh1. Feeling the intruder's weight pinning him down, this seemed to be someone bigger - and yet it certainly wasn't eHollister by a long shot, he could tell by the way his back wasn't breaking.
"Er, excuse me?" he tried again. "Er, who are you please? It's just that-"
Failing to give an answer, the mystery figure instead decided to shut Bobbeh2 up by planting their mouth on him. Finding it somewhat hard to talk in the circumstances, Bobbeh2 could only lie back in defeat, looking perplexed in the dark.
This all very nice, but dash it all, he needed to know who had broken into his room and was so keen to keep him company. Whoever it was smelt strongly of cigarette smoke, gin, and cheap aftershave. Hardly likely to be Bobbeh3, then.
Well, then, who...? Maybe it was one of Bobbeh1's friends. Cautiously, he lifted a hand up and felt for the stranger's face in the dark. Hmm, a strong jawline, good head of hair. An earring? Gosh.
Seeming as his unexpected visitor didn't seem to mind one little bit, Bobbeh2 let his hands travel further South too. What *were* they wearing? Heels? In the bed? Gosh, how kinky. Whoever it was, they didn't have skinny angular figure of Alex and they were much taller than any of the Nicks, neither could it be Paul, because he'd be watching instead, and so Bobbeh2 crossed them (somewhat sadly, but that's between us) off his mental list of Who It Could Possibly Be. But spurred on by the stranger's lack of inhibition, he copped a feel anyway.
Well, if it wasn't a Franz, and it wasn't a Bobbeh... wait. hang on. There was one possibility he hadn't considered. Bobbeh2 raised an incredulous eyebrow in the dark.
"Bobbeh Lindsay... is that *you*?"
But before the stranger could make any further moves, on cue his mobile began to ring. He broke away from the stranger, reluctantly, and sat up, his heart racing. That couldn't be...
The answerphone came on and the voice that Bobbeh2 had been waiting to hear boomed gruffly in the darkness.
"Robert. I got your text. All eleven of them, in fact - maybe you didn't fully understand when I said I was busy tonight. The fifth time I said it. I guess I might drop by later - I'll need my coat back for a start. I'll just get back home first and check that my CDs are in alphabetical order or something important like that. Bye."
Leaning back, Bobbeh2 laughed unnecessarily loud. "He's just playing hard to get, again!" he addressed the intruder.
And then, without the stranger even touching him this time, a shiver ran up his spine.
Slowly, his trembling hand felt for and found the light switch for the bedside lamp. The light came on, and holding his breath he turned around. Smiling back at him were some very familiar features.
And so they should be familiar, given the time he dedicated to looking at them in the mirror each day.
This time Bobbeh2 really did jump off the bed with a girlish scream.
~
By most people's standards, a quiet Sunday night at the Bobbeh's was never actually quiet and uneventful. But down in the kitchen, Bobbeh3 couldn't help but think that something was particularly amiss tonight.
Now, erratic behaviour from Bobbeh2 was almost something to be expected these days. But Bobbeh1 behaving out of sorts ON PURPOSE... well, something wasn't right with the universe right now, clearly.
With a sigh, Bobbeh3 wiped away the blob of ice cream that had launched itself at his face, and tried once again to reason with the young Bobbeh.
"Is something bothering you, Bobbeh1? Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Can I get any words out of you tonight, other than 'no'?"
"No."
"I see." Another blob of ice cream was lobbed in his direction. "Bobbeh1, I feel at this point I really ought to... Well, I really ought to tell you off."
"NO." came the more forceful response, Bobbeh1's lower lip pouting insolently. Except that this tried-and-tested method didn't have the effect that it usually had. Suddenly, Bobbeh3 didn't find it endearingly cute, he found it rude, insolent, and frankly rather irritating.
It was at this point that he realised this could not possibly be *his* Bobbeh1. This horrifying thought hit him a second before the cookie jar did, at the back of his head. He wasn't sure which one actually made him pass out. Mainly because he was now unconscious.
~
"You great big bloody girl. Look at you."
Looking at himself was precisely what Bobbeh2 was doing right now, in a very literal sense, as he was stood trying hard not to visibly quiver in the corner of his room furthest away from the person who appeared to be himself. He'd never been simultaneously fascinated and petrified before.
His other self was laid out on the bed, a cigarette now in his mouth and a mocking smile on his really rather arrogant face.
"Really," he spoke, his voice a little less well spoken than Bobbeh2's, "I've never heard anyone scream like such a bloody girl. Not even... y'know, girls."
"I've just been molested by myself!" protested the original Bobbeh2.
"...I'm sure it's not the first time." muttered his double, lighting his cigarette.
"Well, I mean, I - Well, it's just the principle!" flustered Bobbeh2. "Who are you, anyway? I mean, you can't be me because, well, I'm me. And yet you appear to be-"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." The other Bobbeh got up and began to examine the contents of Bobbeh2's bedroom.
"You don't seem to be a future me, or a past me - hands off my tie collection please - are you some kind of twin?"
"Who cares?" laughed the double, coming over to Bobbeh2, "You talk too bloody much."
"Yes, well, maybe that's because when one is faced with... What *are* you doing? Why, get off! That's my... that's my property. Get off my hips, please."
"You weren't saying that before - what's mine is yours and yours is mine!"
"How dare - oh yes, oh, very witty. So you *are* some confounded version of me, then, I take it? How did you get here anyway?"
But Bobbeh2's question wasn't being answered in a hurry as his doppelganger was far too occupied with trying to get Bobbeh2's trousers down.
"I said how did you - stop that at once!"
The double laughed as Bobbeh2 attempted to prize his fingers from his beltloops. "Oh come on, you know you want to." he purred.
"No, I... No! No, I bloody well don't!"
"And why not?"
"Well... it's terribly incestual for a start."
"So?"
"Oh my word, you're unbelievable."
His double grinned up at him. "I know."
"Well, I can't. When I said no, I mean NO."
"Not all of you's in agreement..."
"Look, just because you look like me doesn't mean that I am some insatiable, lustful, perverted deviant who... Oh blimey."
"No, don't stop there, talk about me some more..."
"Oh buggery blimey... What have you done with Bobbeh1?"
"Who?"
"He's been missing for far too long now... Don't give me 'WHO', you know full well who I mean. Blonde hair, cherub face, covered with jam. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BOBBEH1!?!"
His evil twin thought about this for a moment. "Not half as much as I'd like to do with you." he grinned.
Incensed beyond flustering, Bobbeh2 pulled off his tie and began to tie it around his double's neck in a manner more violent than was necessary. Although before Bobbeh2 could strangle his own evil twin (and consequently cause some kind of complication in the universal good-evil balance), he was luckily distracted by a muffled sound from the wardrobe.
"...Bobbeh1? Is that you?" Pushing his double away and yanking his trousers back up, he dashed over to the wardrobe and opened the door for Bobbeh1 to tumble out backwards. Bobbeh2 hurriedly removed his favourite tie from Bobbeh1's mouth and untied Bobbeh1's hands, unable to notice his evil twin sneaking out of the bedroom gasping for air.
"Bobbeh2... you frightened me." pouted the young Bobbeh. His face was flushed and he smelt distinctly leathery and aftershavey.
"Did he hurt you?"
"Well...no...but...you...he...pushed me a lot and... I said no a lot and he didn't seem to like it and he wanted stuff and I said he couldn't and he got angry and you're scary when you're angry, Bobbeh2."
Bobbeh2 blushed. "Well... I do get a tad carried away sometimes, yes... but Bobbeh1, that wasn't me. I don't know how, but it seems that something strange has happened allowing my evil twin from another universe to break into my bedroom."
"...I didn't do it!"
"I didn't say you were responsible , Bobbeh1, I'm just - Did he say anything to you about where he was from?"
"No. But he BROKE MY BASS, Bobbeh2!"
Bobbeh2's jaw dropped. "Now, that really is uncalled for evil!"
"I knoowwwww. I don't want him to stay, Bobbeh2. Because you can be all nice and cuddly, but he's like you when you're scary but much worse!"
Trying hard not to think about what Bobbeh1 was actually saying, whatever it was, Bobbeh2 took his hand (discreetly wiping it first) and held it tightly. "Well, you're going to stick with me now, Bobbeh1, and don't worry, we'll get rid of me - I mean him - somehow. And mend your bass. You okay, Bobbeh1?"
"Yes, I am now. Bobbeh2?"
"Aha?"
"I love you."
"And I love you very much too."
"I hope I didn't make too much of a mess in your wardrobe. It was an accident."
"......"
End of Part One.