Take Me Out (For a Milkshake)
"Alice + Lydia + Jamie + Channy buzzin and wot"
That's the word on the street, apparently. Or according to what was written several times on the green slips. Kids.
Well, time for some cunningly...er....timed Diner fic. With rather a lot of posh violence and several little twists because Crispin and James are behaving a little differently than usual. A two-parter because sheesh, you give these lads something a bit different and they go on and on and on. It's er, still rather long, you might want to CopyPastePrint.
And so to include
dracothelizard's request amongst others:
Take Me Out (For A Milkshake) Part One
Guest starring Shane Filan and surprise guest. Once again, our intrepid gents are back at the Blonde's Diner...
IOAN: I say, much as I enjoyed our outing, I'm rather glad to be back to the usual habitat. No offence your way Bobbeh I hope, regarding your Nicholas, but I have to admit I wasn't blown away by the old Nicholas Bar!
BOBBEH2: No offense taken, Ioan old chap! Nicholas has many aspirations and he just needs a suitable outlet for them. At least this time round he was kind enough to inform me what he'd been up to, unlike his little *club*...
IOAN: Still, it's early days yet and it's a tough old business.
TIM: Ah yes, but it was all a jolly nice change of scenery all the same!
BOBBEH2: Why yes, of course. Ah, Crispin, there you are!
CRISPIN: Hullo there my friends, and how does to-day find oneselves? On the side of agreeable rather than not, I hope! I woke up in the most terrible bother due to being under the impression that one's dream was in fact real - and in my folly I do believe it affected my mood most awfully - but, dear heavens, it transpired that it was merely trickery of the mind. Oh sweet fortune! And out of the window, oh, it was the most glorious day! With the sound of birdsong venturing apon one's ears and the sunshine, oh the sunshine, and the flutter of a light breeze apon one's face, as if one has never felt so free as in that moment where.....
ALL: ....
BOBBEH2: .... Ho, rather loquacious this morning, aren't we Crisp?
CRISPIN: I'm just so grateful you are here and in fine form, Bobbeh.
BOBBEH2: ....Er, why, what's happened to me?
CRISPIN: Oh, let's not trouble ourselves with the beastly details!
TIM: No, let's not! Why, you're in such a delightful mood yourself today, Bobbeh, let's not spoil things.
BOBBEH2: No, wait, I want to know.
CRISPIN: Really, Bobethony, I'd rather not divulge now I know you're safe here.
JAMES: Drop it, Robert, the dear boy's had a nightmare he obviously doesn't want to share.
BOBBEH2: ... Sorry?
JAMES: Should think so.
BOBBEH2: No, I'm directing that at you. That's a somewhat questionable tone you're using there, Jimmy.
JAMES: Is it really? How bizarre indeed!
BOBBEH2: And that one..... Whatever is the meaning of that sarcastic intonation? Mr Wilby, do you have a problem?
JAMES: As a matter of fact, I do, Mr Bathurst.
BOBBEH2: .... Well.....then.... spit it out, my fellow.
JAMES: This is hardly the time nor the place, I don't wish to trouble young Crispy any further than he has already-
BOBBEH2: Well then, don't bring your problems to the dinner table!
JAMES: Ho, it doesn't appear to have stopped you in the past.
TIM: [QUICKLY] Er, chaps, shall we order? I mean, seeing as, er, one only has to blink for anything edible to turn mouldy in this establishment, we best get our skates on! GARCON!
SHANE: ... Sorry, you talking to me?
IOAN: I can hardly see any other lackeys by the table, I do believe he does mean you.
SHANE: Well listen, you're bloody lucky I serve you lot at all with that cheek going on. [sigh] What will it be today?
IOAN: Has the Coq...
SHANE: No.
TIM: I say, have you managed to obtain any lobst-
SHANE: No.
JAMES: Enough with this silly charade, we'll have the usual.
SHANE: Finally...
BOBBEH2: Except for me, I'll just have a roll.
TIM: Oh, you old spoilsport, Bobbeh2!
BOBBEH2: I can't, Timmy, I'm... dieting.
IOAN: The old 'dining twelve times' taking its toll?
BOBBEH2: Yah.
CRISPIN: And please make an exception for me too. I would like to try a milkshake to-day, if I may be so bold.
ALL: ...
SHANE: ... Er, sure, fine!
CRISPIN: Would a strawberry flavour be a possibility?
SHANE: Whoa, absolutely, coming right up. We can do that, no problemo.
IOAN: Wonders will never cease!
[A SURPRISED SHANE WALKS AWAY WITH THE ORDER]
TIM: I say, pushing the boat out there, young Crispy!
CRISPIN: Well, I had the notion, Tim, you see, I thought life is for adventure, life is for discovery, one cannot be presented with all these options and merely drift through one's existence down the same path daily, why, it would be folly to squander away-
BOBBEH2: Oh, do shut up.
IOAN: Oh, see, well done James with your grouchiness, you've set him off now.
BOBBEH2: Ioan, there is no need to talk of me as if I'm akin to a firework.
IOAN: Why not? I figure it would be rather apt.
TIM: Chaps, chaps, PLEASE! There is some strange dischord in the air and it will only mean trouble. Jimmy old bean, whatever *is* the matter?
JAMES: That would be a matter between myself and Robert.
BOBBEH2: Oh, so it *is* about me!
JAMES: Oh well yes, Heaven forbid it shouldn't be about *you*! Why, the world would surely cave in if-
TIM: Oh, for goodness sake, James! Crispin's come in so delightfully chipper, and Bobbeh was trying so hard to be civil once again-
BOBBEH2: Excuse me?
TIM: And then you go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like-
CRISPIN: ...I love you?
TIM: ...No, Crispy. No.
[SHANE RETURNS]
SHANE: Well, here you are guys. I've been told to reassure you that every edible item has been rigourously checked and examined-
BOBBEH2: I should think so.
SHANE: ... at least 10 times to ensure there is no sign of contamination, pesticides, pests, radiation, genetic modification, or free radicals.
BOBBEH2: Alright, there's no need to be flippant.
SHANE: Better safe than sorry with you lot.
[SHANE LEAVES]
CRISPIN: Ah, my milkshake! How delightful!
TIM: I say, that looks most scrumptious. I must make a note to try one myself sometime.
IOAN: I wasn't aware Wetslide could offer anything that would prove to actually be delicious.
CRISPIN: Rest assured Ioan, they appear to excel at their milk-based beverages.
BOBBEH2: Ah, but anyone can make those.
IOAN: You sure, old boy?
BOBBEH2: Why yes, I'd hazard a guess we could knock up a far better glass at home.
TIM: Gosh, really?
BOBBEH2: Damn right, far better than what they have to offer here.
TIM: You must show me sometime, old chap.
BOBBEH2: I can teach you, but I'd have to incur a small fee. Highly secret recipe, dear boy.
MILKSHAKE. SHE COULDN'T RESIST.
BOBBEH2: May I venture a sip, old Crispy, to prove one's hypothesis...?
CRISPIN: Er, certainly, I -
JAMES: Ho, the old willpower failing there, eh Bobbeh? The 'diet' lasted all of, ooh, ten unsuccessful minutes.
BOBBEH2: I beg your pardon?
JAMES: It's just his excuse to snaffle your milkshake, Crispin, don't let him. Fellow's always the same, forgoing his own lunch just so he can purloin my potato chips instead. Why, the very first time he were in here, he thought he could swipe my burger from under my nose. That whole Claudia fiasco was no doubt just a ruse to...
BOBBEH2: What on Earth are you...
JAMES: [sniffs] It's spending too much time with kleptomaniacs called Nick, that's what it is.
BOBBEH2: Is that what this whole charade is about, James?
JAMES: It isn't, as a matter of fact.
BOBBEH2: Well, you better ruddy well tell me what it *is* about! How very dare you pour such slander apon myself and my companions without-
JAMES: 'JAMES'.
BOBBEH2: .... You what?
JAMES: If you must know, it's about 'James'.
BOBBEH2: .... It's about you?
JAMES: No, it's about you.
TIM: Sorry chaps, I'm rather lost here, did you say....?
BOBBEH2: Yes, and I'm Robert. Have you gone quite mad, James?
JAMES: Bobbeh, much as you told us all about your shenanigans with Robert Lindsay's woman back in April, you neglected to mention one vital detail of the tale.
BOBBEH2: And that was...?
JAMES: That you were cavorting around art galleries and restaurants and suchforth under the name of James!
BOBBEH2: James, yes, but I don't see how...
JAMES: The nerve! I can't believe you maliciously stole my name and....and....*tainted* it with your reputation!
BOBBEH2: But I don't *have* a reputation...
IOAN: You do now.
JAMES: I happened apon that very art gallery last night, unbeknowst to myself, and what should I hear but, "Oh, James is here! That must be the one dressed like a Hell's Angel and with that most bizarre woman...". People are talking about me and they're not even talking about *me*, it makes me most terribly cross! Why on earth would you do such a thing?
BOBBEH2: Well......I....uh....
JAMES: Was it to deliberately slander me, Bobbeh, was it?
BOBBEH2: No, of course not, don't be absurd! It's just...
JAMES: I don't want people thinking I'm you!
BOBBEH2: No, course not, how ghastly that must have been.
JAMES: It was actually, folk kept asking where I'd parked the motorbike!
BOBBEH2: .... Oh, I 'm terribly sorry, James. Really. [stands up] Hopefully I can apologise.
JAMES: ... What are you doing?
BOBBEH2: Come here, stand up, old fellow.
JAMES: [standing up tentatively] Bobbeh, what are you...you're not going to try and hug me again, are you?
BOBBEH2: Come closer, that's it. Ah yes...
JAMES: I'm not sure what you've....OW!
BOBBEH2: Ha! That's what you get for....for insinuating that .....well, that's what you get!
JAMES: You violent sod! Ow, oh bloody hell.
TIM: Bob, that's my fork, I've got to eat with that.....
IOAN: I'm not even looking. Sorry James, but I don't want to know....
JAMES: IT REALLY HURTS.
BOBBEH2: Good, you'll know how I feel.
JAMES: I thought you were apologising, you psychopathic barstard....!
[James lunges at Bobbeh2 and the two crash heavily over the table]
CRASH! POW! ZZZAP! BIFF! SPLAT! Holy onomatopeia, Batman!
BOBBEH2: Oof!
JAMES: Aieee!
TIM: Whoa, chaps, mind the-
IOAN: Hey, that's my...
CRISPIN: My milkshake! The carton, you're....
TIM, IOAN + CRISPIN: NooOOOooooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOO!
[WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A SMALL EXPLOSION]
ALL: ....
CRISPIN: Cripes, my milkshake!
IOAN: Yeuch. One's completely drenched.
TIM: Ew, it's all cold on my head!
BOBBEH2: I....don't....believe....it......Armani....ruined....
JAMES: ....Why.... it's even gone.... in my shoe.
CRISPIN: Oh dear, what a sight you two are.
TIM: Well, at least you....somehow..managed to avoid the blast, Crispy.
CRISPIN: But - my milkshake!
SHANE: BRYAN. Milkshake explosion over at table four! I'm not mopping it up.
TIM: We'll get another one, Crisp.
JAMES: Well, I'm waiting, Bobethony.
BOBBEH2: What...what for? You owe me a new tux, Wilby.
JAMES: YAnd you owe me an apology. Or an explanation. Either will suffice.
BOBBEH2: ........ Well, I like your name.
JAMES: ...... Oh, and that's your excuse?
BOBBEH2: There's thousands of Jameses anyway, it's not necessarily *your* name.
JAMES: Yes, but it's like... being stripped of one's uniqueness...
BOBBEH2: Try being a Bobbeh2. I'm so unique I have to be *numbered*.
JAMES: Yes, well...
BOBBEH3: And sometimes Kola can't even hit the right number key, silly floozie doesn't bother correcting it, and I become another Bobbeh entirely! Like just then, for example.
JAMES: How terribly tragic for you.
BOBBEH2: Wait a minute, are *you* being sarcastic to *me*.....?
IOAN: Actually, if I could just intrude for a moment chaps, Ehma's boyfriend is called James.
JAMES: Sorry, who?
IOAN: Ehma. Ya, the girl who was...
BOBBEH2: Ioan, I thought I told you to keep schtum about that?
IOAN: It's okay, Bobbeh, I thought you got rid of her?
[A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE EMERGES IN THE DINER]
POIROT: ....Ah non, zat iz where you are wrong monsieur!
L'CLIFFHANGER.
NOTES:
Title from the one and only Franz Ferdinand/Kelis mashup which I highly reccommend one downloads right here .
Loquacious, yes. You read right.
Crispin appears to have borrowed his speech pattern from his period drama days but at least he got chance to have his say for once.
You might be able to tell that the whole 'James' fiasco is a stray plotbunny from April. When that episode of My Family was actually on.