Goodbye Jam, for real
"Piece of shit" was what I wanted to title this post during that one month of anger. When I thought that things couldn't get worse, it did-I found out that Jam was dating my close friend, whom I told almost everything about Jam and I, of what I felt, throughout that time when I was in school.
I will, one way or another, have some way of finding out about stuff like these, and they are seemingly very coincidental, but I don't think they are. Things fell too well in places and clearly benefited me to be purely coincidental. I can't help but think that God had a hand in it all. Before I go more into the Jam story, let me just put this down so I can be reminded of it:
There was a time where I had a crush on a co-worker who was an intern from overseas. He was charming, smart, and a thinker who thought out of the box (now you know why I liked him). At that time I still followed my mom back home from work, and she chose to make a turning into a junction. Right at that turning point, out the window I saw this intern with another coworker, who is a girl. Talk about 'coincidence'. If we were a little too late or too early to turn at that junction (or not choose that road at all), I wouldn't have been able to see this. And about why it benefited me? I casually talked about it with the intern the next day and I realised that this dude was actually just using the girl for his own entertainment and to ease his loneliness. Wow, what a douche. Hence I found out early that he was not worth seriously considering-my benefit.
Back to the Jam story: How I found out? I was still attached to the young teachers in my ex-school, so I still remained in their chat group even though I left several months prior. One day an ex-colleague posted a photo of Jam and my friend eating together, with the message, "I didn't know you two are datiiiiing!" gush gush. I didn't think it was true because 1) they didn't look very happy together, just normal 2) the friend's mom was there too 3) the friend mentioned before that he's "too feminine" and wouldn't consider him as a potential partner. I didn't think too much of it and continued with my work. But it bugged me, during a shower. I couldn't get it out of my mind, because 1) she didn't deny the colleague's statement 2) if they were really dating, she didn't tell me, which would be questionable. I didn't want this to get in the way of our friendship, and so I asked her straight about it: Are you and Jam dating?
She replied a few hours later confirming it, and with unfiltered messages, clearly not having any measure of understanding of how I felt. Despite tears already flowing from my eyes, and despite how my heart didn't mean these next words at all, I said, "Wish you two the best".
Soon after that, I was angry, and cursed at him countless times in my head, even though I wasn't the type to curse. Also angry at my friend because it felt like such a mishandled situation/completely ignorant state of mind. What really fanned the flame was this very fact of him dating her showed that some things he said during the rejection were just plain excuses, and I couldn't stand it (at least for that time).
I can't really say when it was that the angry time stopped, but it could be when I decided to block him on FB. I couldn't put up with the farce that I'm ok with him as a friend and list him in Restricted; I unfriended him first, but blocking made me feel a lot better. It was one of the best things I've done, by cutting him out of my life. One day he did message me with some lame joke, and when I answered him bluntly on things, he said to talk it out. I didn't want to, but since he was writing long messages and such, I thought I'd take time to consider this, on whether to tell or not. I pondered it the next morning and afternoon in church, and I realised... that actually it all doesn't matter anymore. I'm no longer angry, and "talking it out" isn't worth it-he isn't worth it.
So I wrote a long, vague message, with a "goodbye" at the end. He replied a short message on saying he doesn't understand and asked a few questions, but I just said I wouldn't want to discuss further, and "Alright then" was his last message. A rare time where he did something in consideration of me. I then proceeded to block my friend too because well, I don't feel comfortable with these two people because I don't trust them any longer. If I were to meet them on the streets, etc., a reluctant smiile is all I can muster as I would not want to talk, at all.
And so well, when I have the inclination to type out this whole post, "piece of shit" just doesn't fit so well as a title anymore, mainly because I don't feel so strongly on that. But... sigh, the people you think you know can really be quite different. I can't say these experiences haven't affected me negatively, because they have, but I guess I'm now not as naive, and have learned a lot through all these. It was a painful process though, but I've really grown into a different person, and see certain things in a different way. People can really be unpredictable sometimes... and people change. Or maybe we just didn't know them for who they were when we knew them.
I will, one way or another, have some way of finding out about stuff like these, and they are seemingly very coincidental, but I don't think they are. Things fell too well in places and clearly benefited me to be purely coincidental. I can't help but think that God had a hand in it all. Before I go more into the Jam story, let me just put this down so I can be reminded of it:
There was a time where I had a crush on a co-worker who was an intern from overseas. He was charming, smart, and a thinker who thought out of the box (now you know why I liked him). At that time I still followed my mom back home from work, and she chose to make a turning into a junction. Right at that turning point, out the window I saw this intern with another coworker, who is a girl. Talk about 'coincidence'. If we were a little too late or too early to turn at that junction (or not choose that road at all), I wouldn't have been able to see this. And about why it benefited me? I casually talked about it with the intern the next day and I realised that this dude was actually just using the girl for his own entertainment and to ease his loneliness. Wow, what a douche. Hence I found out early that he was not worth seriously considering-my benefit.
Back to the Jam story: How I found out? I was still attached to the young teachers in my ex-school, so I still remained in their chat group even though I left several months prior. One day an ex-colleague posted a photo of Jam and my friend eating together, with the message, "I didn't know you two are datiiiiing!" gush gush. I didn't think it was true because 1) they didn't look very happy together, just normal 2) the friend's mom was there too 3) the friend mentioned before that he's "too feminine" and wouldn't consider him as a potential partner. I didn't think too much of it and continued with my work. But it bugged me, during a shower. I couldn't get it out of my mind, because 1) she didn't deny the colleague's statement 2) if they were really dating, she didn't tell me, which would be questionable. I didn't want this to get in the way of our friendship, and so I asked her straight about it: Are you and Jam dating?
She replied a few hours later confirming it, and with unfiltered messages, clearly not having any measure of understanding of how I felt. Despite tears already flowing from my eyes, and despite how my heart didn't mean these next words at all, I said, "Wish you two the best".
Soon after that, I was angry, and cursed at him countless times in my head, even though I wasn't the type to curse. Also angry at my friend because it felt like such a mishandled situation/completely ignorant state of mind. What really fanned the flame was this very fact of him dating her showed that some things he said during the rejection were just plain excuses, and I couldn't stand it (at least for that time).
I can't really say when it was that the angry time stopped, but it could be when I decided to block him on FB. I couldn't put up with the farce that I'm ok with him as a friend and list him in Restricted; I unfriended him first, but blocking made me feel a lot better. It was one of the best things I've done, by cutting him out of my life. One day he did message me with some lame joke, and when I answered him bluntly on things, he said to talk it out. I didn't want to, but since he was writing long messages and such, I thought I'd take time to consider this, on whether to tell or not. I pondered it the next morning and afternoon in church, and I realised... that actually it all doesn't matter anymore. I'm no longer angry, and "talking it out" isn't worth it-he isn't worth it.
So I wrote a long, vague message, with a "goodbye" at the end. He replied a short message on saying he doesn't understand and asked a few questions, but I just said I wouldn't want to discuss further, and "Alright then" was his last message. A rare time where he did something in consideration of me. I then proceeded to block my friend too because well, I don't feel comfortable with these two people because I don't trust them any longer. If I were to meet them on the streets, etc., a reluctant smiile is all I can muster as I would not want to talk, at all.
And so well, when I have the inclination to type out this whole post, "piece of shit" just doesn't fit so well as a title anymore, mainly because I don't feel so strongly on that. But... sigh, the people you think you know can really be quite different. I can't say these experiences haven't affected me negatively, because they have, but I guess I'm now not as naive, and have learned a lot through all these. It was a painful process though, but I've really grown into a different person, and see certain things in a different way. People can really be unpredictable sometimes... and people change. Or maybe we just didn't know them for who they were when we knew them.