.....For All
Dear LJ friends, close friends, and readers,
I am unhappy. I truely hate myself and have no idea how to start liking myself. I feel like this great big world is out to get me; and it has been since I was very young. My hopes and dreams, are being shattered slowly by the life I have been given, as if I'm some kind of joke you see on tv. Sometimes I wish my life was on tv, I think it would make for a very interesting show. People would never get bored and I can say, "Hell-- It's just a show, it's not real" But it is real. And it hurts so much to wake up in the mornings.. To get out of bed and do something with myself for that day.
I don't wish to get up anymore. I wish sleeping would last forever, and that I never had to awaken from my dream world. Because you know what-- I'm happy there.. And I'm unhappy in real life. The only things that make me happy are Michael (mi amor miguel) and my friends. I am not happy at home, and I am not happy in school.
The reason I am not happy at home are as followed..
1. How could anyone be happy about being told you're the worst daughter in the world; that you are a bitch, a horrible person. How can you be happy in hell? This is a hell to me, not a home. This place I live in.. Where I sleep, this house.. Is just that. It's a house, not my home. It's a place where I spend my days when I have nothing better to do. I cannot escape this hell I live in, I can only pretend.
2. There is always fighting. Everyday for the past 5 years there has never been just one single day without a fight. Either it be during the day or during the night.. There is always a fight in this hell. Between mother and I. And I just can't take anymore. Sadly, I am more mature than my mother-- and I can't be the adult anymore. I'm tired of being the adult and trying to fix things; when nothing ever works. For once I want to be my age, a 17 year old girl and just being fucking happy. But I can't... Because my mother and I are always fighting, and it's so painful for me to be here anymore.
I cannot runaway; because I love my grandma and she loves me. And I could never hurt her. Though I wish I could just run away from this hell, I can't. Because I'm so tired of pretending to be happy. Pretending takes so much out of you... I can't do it anymore. I just can't.
Now, another fact.. I wish to be dead. I think everything will be easier this way. Because if I were to die, either by suicide, some freak accident, or natural things would be easier for me. Last night; I pondered this for so long, that I made mi amor Miguel cry because I was talking so horribly about ending it all. I never want to hurt Miguel or my friends.. But no one understands how depressed I am.
I wish this to be the end of these painful 5 years of my life. That just seem to get harder and harder. These emotional scars never heal.. My family is broken.. I'm crying, as I write this write now. Because my grandmother is trying to fix thing between my mother and I and she cried.. Because she feels so horrible that my mother and I aren't speaking. I have never seen my grandmother cry in all my life; all 17 years she has been the strongest person I have ever known, and today she cried. Just now she cried because of my mother and I not speaking.
And right now, the one strong question that runs through my head is : Is this the end for me?
I am unhappy. I truely hate myself and have no idea how to start liking myself. I feel like this great big world is out to get me; and it has been since I was very young. My hopes and dreams, are being shattered slowly by the life I have been given, as if I'm some kind of joke you see on tv. Sometimes I wish my life was on tv, I think it would make for a very interesting show. People would never get bored and I can say, "Hell-- It's just a show, it's not real" But it is real. And it hurts so much to wake up in the mornings.. To get out of bed and do something with myself for that day.
I don't wish to get up anymore. I wish sleeping would last forever, and that I never had to awaken from my dream world. Because you know what-- I'm happy there.. And I'm unhappy in real life. The only things that make me happy are Michael (mi amor miguel) and my friends. I am not happy at home, and I am not happy in school.
The reason I am not happy at home are as followed..
1. How could anyone be happy about being told you're the worst daughter in the world; that you are a bitch, a horrible person. How can you be happy in hell? This is a hell to me, not a home. This place I live in.. Where I sleep, this house.. Is just that. It's a house, not my home. It's a place where I spend my days when I have nothing better to do. I cannot escape this hell I live in, I can only pretend.
2. There is always fighting. Everyday for the past 5 years there has never been just one single day without a fight. Either it be during the day or during the night.. There is always a fight in this hell. Between mother and I. And I just can't take anymore. Sadly, I am more mature than my mother-- and I can't be the adult anymore. I'm tired of being the adult and trying to fix things; when nothing ever works. For once I want to be my age, a 17 year old girl and just being fucking happy. But I can't... Because my mother and I are always fighting, and it's so painful for me to be here anymore.
I cannot runaway; because I love my grandma and she loves me. And I could never hurt her. Though I wish I could just run away from this hell, I can't. Because I'm so tired of pretending to be happy. Pretending takes so much out of you... I can't do it anymore. I just can't.
Now, another fact.. I wish to be dead. I think everything will be easier this way. Because if I were to die, either by suicide, some freak accident, or natural things would be easier for me. Last night; I pondered this for so long, that I made mi amor Miguel cry because I was talking so horribly about ending it all. I never want to hurt Miguel or my friends.. But no one understands how depressed I am.
I wish this to be the end of these painful 5 years of my life. That just seem to get harder and harder. These emotional scars never heal.. My family is broken.. I'm crying, as I write this write now. Because my grandmother is trying to fix thing between my mother and I and she cried.. Because she feels so horrible that my mother and I aren't speaking. I have never seen my grandmother cry in all my life; all 17 years she has been the strongest person I have ever known, and today she cried. Just now she cried because of my mother and I not speaking.
And right now, the one strong question that runs through my head is : Is this the end for me?