(no subject)
I haven't posted in such a long time, and I feel so out of the loop...on a lot of things. I see I even made a couple of new friends while I was away. Hello.
I'm a little frazzled and depressed right now for a couple of reasons.
1.) I can't wait for school to begin. I hate saying that because you're supposed to love your kids, and I do, but Jamie is impossible to please. I can't keep doing things one-on-one with him all day long because he has an older brother and a younger sister who need attention, too, and this really seems to piss him off. So he yells all day long. It's starting to get on my nerves, and it shouldn't. I'm only human, after all, I guess.
2.) I really wanted to move back to Minneapolis in August, but that looks like it's not going to happen. Jeremy wants to move in September now (for many valid reasons), but I feel as if we don't move now, we'll never move away from this godforsaken state. The longer I stay here, the more depressed I become. I'm starting to feel like a caged animal.
3.) It's frustrating to talk to your shemale neighbor and be told that "you don't understand what it's like to think like a guy and want to be treated like a woman". Hello? I grew up in a mostly male household with a lot of male friends, so I believe I do know what it's like to think like a guy because I've been doing that a good portion of my life which is why I have a hard time making friends with girls. Hell, it's also probably the reason I can't keep a girlfriend. I wanted to ask, "Do you know what it feels like to have one half of your soul satisfied while the other half is still crying out to be resolved?" I'll probably never have another girlfriend until my kids are grown or old enough to understand, at least, and since Jamie will most likely never go to college, get a job, or get married, I'll never have someone to complete that other half.
4.) I don't understand my brothers. The both of them (along with my father) are now on Facebook, so I figured, "Hey, Facebook is an easy way to talk to them and maintain some sort of family-like relationship." No. One brother defriends me because I "don't agree with his politics" and "make him feel dumb". Then the oldest one stops talking to me because he's siding with the other one. Well, hey, I understand. I mean, I came to the family way late in the game, and you two are closer. Gee, what I wouldn't give to have a younger sister or brother with whom I could be close, too. Again, why was I born?
5.) I keep putting off writing even though I wish I didn't. There's too many distractions around here (kids, modding games, etc), and I suppose I also feel a little terrible for waiting so long to update. I know that I keep gaining more readers (threatening to kick my ass into gear), but I can't help feeling that no one wants to keep up with a story that can't be updated regularly, so no one's reading anymore. I have a chapter ready to go and two more new stories in my head, but I keep refraining from uploading because of these reasons.
5.) I can't keep in contact with what friends I do have, and I've started wondering lately if I do have any friends because of this. I don't mean to grow apart from people. Underneath it all, I'm still a loner who doesn't know what to say to people sometimes. I feel especially bad about this because there are many wonderful projects I'd love to do with Marcos, but I'm sure he's too busy for me, and who in their right mind would want to deal with my inconsistent schedule?
I'm starting to go crazy with claustrophobia, being in this damn house, but there's no place to go outside (and too many murders and rapes taking place in this neighborhood).
I'm a little frazzled and depressed right now for a couple of reasons.
1.) I can't wait for school to begin. I hate saying that because you're supposed to love your kids, and I do, but Jamie is impossible to please. I can't keep doing things one-on-one with him all day long because he has an older brother and a younger sister who need attention, too, and this really seems to piss him off. So he yells all day long. It's starting to get on my nerves, and it shouldn't. I'm only human, after all, I guess.
2.) I really wanted to move back to Minneapolis in August, but that looks like it's not going to happen. Jeremy wants to move in September now (for many valid reasons), but I feel as if we don't move now, we'll never move away from this godforsaken state. The longer I stay here, the more depressed I become. I'm starting to feel like a caged animal.
3.) It's frustrating to talk to your shemale neighbor and be told that "you don't understand what it's like to think like a guy and want to be treated like a woman". Hello? I grew up in a mostly male household with a lot of male friends, so I believe I do know what it's like to think like a guy because I've been doing that a good portion of my life which is why I have a hard time making friends with girls. Hell, it's also probably the reason I can't keep a girlfriend. I wanted to ask, "Do you know what it feels like to have one half of your soul satisfied while the other half is still crying out to be resolved?" I'll probably never have another girlfriend until my kids are grown or old enough to understand, at least, and since Jamie will most likely never go to college, get a job, or get married, I'll never have someone to complete that other half.
4.) I don't understand my brothers. The both of them (along with my father) are now on Facebook, so I figured, "Hey, Facebook is an easy way to talk to them and maintain some sort of family-like relationship." No. One brother defriends me because I "don't agree with his politics" and "make him feel dumb". Then the oldest one stops talking to me because he's siding with the other one. Well, hey, I understand. I mean, I came to the family way late in the game, and you two are closer. Gee, what I wouldn't give to have a younger sister or brother with whom I could be close, too. Again, why was I born?
5.) I keep putting off writing even though I wish I didn't. There's too many distractions around here (kids, modding games, etc), and I suppose I also feel a little terrible for waiting so long to update. I know that I keep gaining more readers (threatening to kick my ass into gear), but I can't help feeling that no one wants to keep up with a story that can't be updated regularly, so no one's reading anymore. I have a chapter ready to go and two more new stories in my head, but I keep refraining from uploading because of these reasons.
5.) I can't keep in contact with what friends I do have, and I've started wondering lately if I do have any friends because of this. I don't mean to grow apart from people. Underneath it all, I'm still a loner who doesn't know what to say to people sometimes. I feel especially bad about this because there are many wonderful projects I'd love to do with Marcos, but I'm sure he's too busy for me, and who in their right mind would want to deal with my inconsistent schedule?
I'm starting to go crazy with claustrophobia, being in this damn house, but there's no place to go outside (and too many murders and rapes taking place in this neighborhood).