(no subject)
I'm sorry that it's taking me so long to post. I'm still having problems with my health. The pain has gotten worse, and no matter what I do or say, the physicians I see are slow about getting the problem fixed. I have an EGD scheduled for September 7th (where they stick a scope down your throat to see inside of you) to rule out ulcers or stomach cancer. My doctor thinks that I may have ulcers...or that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome (which is supposedly common for bipolar people to have), and this is why I'm in so much pain. Or I could have fibroids on my ovaries...I had to do a "transvaginal ultrasound" the other day, and I won't know results until Tuesday.
The pain was so bad that I saw the doctor the week before last (Thursday or Friday...I can't remember which one it was because my days are mixed up right now), and she decided to send me to the hospital. I was supposed to be admitted because I'm unable to eat or drink anything without being in pain, and I keep losing more weight, so admitting me was supposed to be a safeguard (they could run tests on me while running an IV on me to make sure I kept receiving proper nutrition). She told me to admit myself via the Emergency Room because "it would take too long to get you a bed if I admit you, and this way, you can receive medication for your pain". Alas, I do this, and the ER runs one test (an x-ray) before deciding that they can't do anything for my pain, so I need to just drug myself up on pills and go home. I hate saying this, but I did something I haven't done in a long time. I was so overcome with pain, anger, and frustration...and I'm just so sick of hearing doctors say that they won't do anything for me or that this is all in my head. It didn't help that the nurse got shitty with me and told me to "stop hospital hopping to get pills" when I hate taking any sort of pills, and I was only there because my doctor told me to go, dammit.
I was beginning to think that I'd be better off if...I just couldn't feel anything anymore. So I did something...but obviously, the nurse came in and stopped me or otherwise, I wouldn't be here because I was actually without air there for a quite few minutes.
Honestly? I know that people are/will be mad at me. I just wish that someone could see this from my point of view, for once. It's not as if I'm happy to go to my grave or something...I just hurt so much. It's been like a unending cycle of pain for a few years now, and even if the doctors are able to finally fix the problem...they still can't fix...me.
Mom's always thought that her side of the family is a little "psychic". Mom knew when we were playing with an Ouija board in her house, Aunt Florence knew when we went exploring "haunted" graveyards, and as for me, I've always had dreams that end up coming true...and I've always been good at those stupid card guessing games. In any case, for about 20 years of my life, I've had this overwhelming feeling that I won't live to see my 30th birthday, and sometimes I wonder if it'll come true. Especially now, with all of this happening.
School starts up again this week, so I won't be as busy anymore. I'll be able to sit down and write again, too. Thank God. I hate saying that, but Jamie has gotten on my last nerve with his new game of "Throw the Food at Mommy Instead of Eating It". I know he's bored. It's not as if we can go somewhere every day just to keep him happy.
Oh, chat with Craig (and possibly Jim Lang, too) on the 25th. I'll definitely be there, this time. Thanksgiving with in-laws kept me from the last chat.
Happy Birthday -- to everyone's that I've missed while being gone. I hope everyone's doing OK (especially Wen, Em, Kelly, and Numi).
The pain was so bad that I saw the doctor the week before last (Thursday or Friday...I can't remember which one it was because my days are mixed up right now), and she decided to send me to the hospital. I was supposed to be admitted because I'm unable to eat or drink anything without being in pain, and I keep losing more weight, so admitting me was supposed to be a safeguard (they could run tests on me while running an IV on me to make sure I kept receiving proper nutrition). She told me to admit myself via the Emergency Room because "it would take too long to get you a bed if I admit you, and this way, you can receive medication for your pain". Alas, I do this, and the ER runs one test (an x-ray) before deciding that they can't do anything for my pain, so I need to just drug myself up on pills and go home. I hate saying this, but I did something I haven't done in a long time. I was so overcome with pain, anger, and frustration...and I'm just so sick of hearing doctors say that they won't do anything for me or that this is all in my head. It didn't help that the nurse got shitty with me and told me to "stop hospital hopping to get pills" when I hate taking any sort of pills, and I was only there because my doctor told me to go, dammit.
I was beginning to think that I'd be better off if...I just couldn't feel anything anymore. So I did something...but obviously, the nurse came in and stopped me or otherwise, I wouldn't be here because I was actually without air there for a quite few minutes.
Honestly? I know that people are/will be mad at me. I just wish that someone could see this from my point of view, for once. It's not as if I'm happy to go to my grave or something...I just hurt so much. It's been like a unending cycle of pain for a few years now, and even if the doctors are able to finally fix the problem...they still can't fix...me.
Mom's always thought that her side of the family is a little "psychic". Mom knew when we were playing with an Ouija board in her house, Aunt Florence knew when we went exploring "haunted" graveyards, and as for me, I've always had dreams that end up coming true...and I've always been good at those stupid card guessing games. In any case, for about 20 years of my life, I've had this overwhelming feeling that I won't live to see my 30th birthday, and sometimes I wonder if it'll come true. Especially now, with all of this happening.
School starts up again this week, so I won't be as busy anymore. I'll be able to sit down and write again, too. Thank God. I hate saying that, but Jamie has gotten on my last nerve with his new game of "Throw the Food at Mommy Instead of Eating It". I know he's bored. It's not as if we can go somewhere every day just to keep him happy.
Oh, chat with Craig (and possibly Jim Lang, too) on the 25th. I'll definitely be there, this time. Thanksgiving with in-laws kept me from the last chat.
Happy Birthday -- to everyone's that I've missed while being gone. I hope everyone's doing OK (especially Wen, Em, Kelly, and Numi).