Life is a roller-coaster...
Too many things going on in my life… ups and downs like a roller-coaster and then back to a normal stagnant life…
Right let’s talk about the highs first… had an interesting and sublime weekend. I signed up for the first yoga workshop ever and it was on learning about the body’s 7 chakras through Kundalini yoga. It was 4 hours of yoga daily from Sat-Mon and wow did I ache like mad especially in the shoulders after all that man… Especially since on Mon I did another 2 hours of tennis practice. Whew…
But I must say I’m amazed by the experience, especially with learning about the chakras and Kundalini yoga style. Unlike usual Hatha and Bikram yoga styles, Kundalini implements a mix of elements such as mediation, mantras and music to complement the poses & exercises. The whole blend results in the body being tired out (and aching!) but the mind being really somehow lighter and calmer at the end of it. It’s really quite amazing.
I guess it helps that the teacher, Maya Fiennes, is amazing too. Not just a yoga teacher but also a musician/composer/singer and apparently a designer as well. Talk about over-achiever man haha. But she’s nice and friendly and very charismatic and her voice is good too. Love her music pieces, soothing while being rather mystic in nature. All in all I’m glad I went for the workshop though it cost over $200 *ouch* but really worth it. I’ll be looking more deeply into chakras as well :)
As for the lows, on the last day of the yoga workshop, in the break between the sessions I got an unexpected phonecall from someone from my past. I think it’s really fate because I’ve been avoiding this person since last year (no it’s not S or J) and I’ve always been able to reject calls because of caller-id. Now because my stupid Nokia is giving me problems I’m currently using my mom’s Samsung. But all my contacts are still in the N71 and thus to avoid missing out on any phonecalls from my friends I’ve been answering all calls (when usually if I see a strange number I’ll just ignore). So yeah on the very first day I use the Samsung wham the call came. See fate sigh… However on knowing who it was I made my excuses and hung up.
As if that isn’t enough to make me feel like a cad, I got 2 messages which further compounded my guilt since they were basically about how I apparently am avoiding all contact and yeah *glum* And I am really and honestly I guess it’s really quite heartless and mean of me but I can’t help it for now. I’m still not over the self-disgust over what happened and that I didn’t stop it from happening.
To be fair I was really emotionally and mentally tired out at that point in time because of all the craziness in the final project and I didn’t mean/intend on anything else other than wanting someone to lean on/rant to etc. And I guess a part of me just didn’t want to and was afraid of risking losing/changing the friendship by nipping whatever that happened in the bud.
But at the end of the day, the above reasons are not really any excuse for not stopping and I should have known better since I had been in a not-as-severe but nonetheless similar situation before. I really have to learn to say no when I don’t care/feel at all and to if it means that’s the end of friendship so be it man. And I guess another reason for my self-disgust is also that I went against what I am. Physical contact for me is really ‘sacred’ in the sense that only with people I truly feel for/want. And though nothing progressed beyond kissing and necking (thank god) I am already like oh god every time I remember. This is why I can’t ever do flings or ONS man…
So yeah, I’m still cringing and kicking myself every time I remember what happen and I don’t want to remember at all. Thus I run because I can’t bear to explain as well. How the hell to explain when I can’t even face myself for now! Extreme cowardly actions I know but yeah that’s what I do when I come to things I don’t know how to and can’t face. I’m hoping that with time, maybe I can put it behind and face myself and then maybe explain it all. (Incidentally that’s what happened for the other not-as-severe similar situation in the past, which took like about 2 years before I explained it all and absolutely nothing physical happened in that situation so I have no idea how long this will take man :S)
And I really almost completely put it out of mind already when wham the call came and it all just came back. I was like oh god all over again and only now like 3 days later am I more calm and not so like wanna kill myself (figuratively speaking of course) that I can write about it. In part I think the yoga workshop helped me somewhat in that I’m starting to realize I really have to forgive myself and move on. Not easy to do at all but at least now I know I must start or I’ll be like laden all my life which I absolutely have no intention of doing.
Writing out does help (at least it points out when I’m censoring/justifying things even to myself!) so expect a lot more rambling about my past and all haha… I guess that’ll be my new aim for this blog this year, not just as a tool to understand myself but also as a journey through my past and clearing out all the hidden dark secrets to move on truly. Hmm time to consider locking up posts? Haha…
I really have to stop spending money when I’m unhappy man... I blew like $50 on cab fares on Mon because I was so errm angsty that I refused to take public transport haha… Luckily not big amounts man whew…
Right let’s talk about the highs first… had an interesting and sublime weekend. I signed up for the first yoga workshop ever and it was on learning about the body’s 7 chakras through Kundalini yoga. It was 4 hours of yoga daily from Sat-Mon and wow did I ache like mad especially in the shoulders after all that man… Especially since on Mon I did another 2 hours of tennis practice. Whew…
But I must say I’m amazed by the experience, especially with learning about the chakras and Kundalini yoga style. Unlike usual Hatha and Bikram yoga styles, Kundalini implements a mix of elements such as mediation, mantras and music to complement the poses & exercises. The whole blend results in the body being tired out (and aching!) but the mind being really somehow lighter and calmer at the end of it. It’s really quite amazing.
I guess it helps that the teacher, Maya Fiennes, is amazing too. Not just a yoga teacher but also a musician/composer/singer and apparently a designer as well. Talk about over-achiever man haha. But she’s nice and friendly and very charismatic and her voice is good too. Love her music pieces, soothing while being rather mystic in nature. All in all I’m glad I went for the workshop though it cost over $200 *ouch* but really worth it. I’ll be looking more deeply into chakras as well :)
As for the lows, on the last day of the yoga workshop, in the break between the sessions I got an unexpected phonecall from someone from my past. I think it’s really fate because I’ve been avoiding this person since last year (no it’s not S or J) and I’ve always been able to reject calls because of caller-id. Now because my stupid Nokia is giving me problems I’m currently using my mom’s Samsung. But all my contacts are still in the N71 and thus to avoid missing out on any phonecalls from my friends I’ve been answering all calls (when usually if I see a strange number I’ll just ignore). So yeah on the very first day I use the Samsung wham the call came. See fate sigh… However on knowing who it was I made my excuses and hung up.
As if that isn’t enough to make me feel like a cad, I got 2 messages which further compounded my guilt since they were basically about how I apparently am avoiding all contact and yeah *glum* And I am really and honestly I guess it’s really quite heartless and mean of me but I can’t help it for now. I’m still not over the self-disgust over what happened and that I didn’t stop it from happening.
To be fair I was really emotionally and mentally tired out at that point in time because of all the craziness in the final project and I didn’t mean/intend on anything else other than wanting someone to lean on/rant to etc. And I guess a part of me just didn’t want to and was afraid of risking losing/changing the friendship by nipping whatever that happened in the bud.
But at the end of the day, the above reasons are not really any excuse for not stopping and I should have known better since I had been in a not-as-severe but nonetheless similar situation before. I really have to learn to say no when I don’t care/feel at all and to if it means that’s the end of friendship so be it man. And I guess another reason for my self-disgust is also that I went against what I am. Physical contact for me is really ‘sacred’ in the sense that only with people I truly feel for/want. And though nothing progressed beyond kissing and necking (thank god) I am already like oh god every time I remember. This is why I can’t ever do flings or ONS man…
So yeah, I’m still cringing and kicking myself every time I remember what happen and I don’t want to remember at all. Thus I run because I can’t bear to explain as well. How the hell to explain when I can’t even face myself for now! Extreme cowardly actions I know but yeah that’s what I do when I come to things I don’t know how to and can’t face. I’m hoping that with time, maybe I can put it behind and face myself and then maybe explain it all. (Incidentally that’s what happened for the other not-as-severe similar situation in the past, which took like about 2 years before I explained it all and absolutely nothing physical happened in that situation so I have no idea how long this will take man :S)
And I really almost completely put it out of mind already when wham the call came and it all just came back. I was like oh god all over again and only now like 3 days later am I more calm and not so like wanna kill myself (figuratively speaking of course) that I can write about it. In part I think the yoga workshop helped me somewhat in that I’m starting to realize I really have to forgive myself and move on. Not easy to do at all but at least now I know I must start or I’ll be like laden all my life which I absolutely have no intention of doing.
Writing out does help (at least it points out when I’m censoring/justifying things even to myself!) so expect a lot more rambling about my past and all haha… I guess that’ll be my new aim for this blog this year, not just as a tool to understand myself but also as a journey through my past and clearing out all the hidden dark secrets to move on truly. Hmm time to consider locking up posts? Haha…
I really have to stop spending money when I’m unhappy man... I blew like $50 on cab fares on Mon because I was so errm angsty that I refused to take public transport haha… Luckily not big amounts man whew…