Leadership qualities?
Long ago, when I was just a kid in kindergarden, I got a remark on my report book that said I showed leadership quality. Back then I didn’t really understand it and I attributed it to the fact that it was probably because I helped out with the collecting and distributing of snacks/stationery/books and what else not. The sole reason that I helped out was probably that I found it fun and well maybe that I did like being in-charge rather than having to follow orders.
This same reason of enjoying the task and well maybe that of being in-charge led me to take on similar subject/CCA representative roles in secondary school (as well as completely avoiding any such roles in primary school because I didn’t really like my teachers ;p).
However somewhere along the line from college to university I started to change my concept towards being in-charge. I guess as I grew older I realized that being in-charge meant a lot of responsibility. Not that I minded if it was a task I enjoyed doing. But the crux is that I have to enjoy the task. I guess I realized that for tasks that I would not enjoy, I have no qualms about being a follower instead to avoid any messy repercussions.
In actual truth, this ‘leadership qualities’ of mine has been an internal struggle for as long as I recall. As much as I may like the feeling of being in-charge, I also liked not really being in the spotlight and not having to be the one to make a decision (in fear of possible repercussions. So yes I try not to take on any leadership roles unless I have no choice or I really enjoy/have a deep vested interest in the situation on hand. And for those leadership roles I take on the responsibility willingly of my own choice, I will see it through to the end. But for those thrust on me, that’s a different story altogether.
And it really does irk me that sometimes somehow I end up being the one that others think should be the one in-charge. I guess it irks because to them it means I will settle everything and yeah clear up any messes which I really hate. In those situations no matter how hard I try to shrug of it, to my annoyance I can’t because either 1) no one else will do the job or 2) I take on the role to try and fulfill other’s expectations of me. Neither of which makes me happy at all really.
Case in point: the major project of last year which gave me no end of hell and burnt out as well as being complained about not giving my best (a first actually haha) and a nonsensical “I looked like I was having fun doing all the work so no one wanted to take my fun away” excuse for no one chipping in to help me do their part of the work at certain stages of the project. So yes, after this incident I hate being a leader even more especially when I didn’t ask for it.
Last night, I was pondering about this issue because of irritating requests to be the one to do stuff again and it’s a job that I have no interest in at all. My inclination is to completely ignore the requests because I don’t like it and I know because I don’t like it I won’t do a good job. But I can’t help wondering if I’m really being very selfish and irresponsible and if it’s easier just to do the job and get the annoyances over with. A part of me says yes but the other part of me which really does not want to do this job says no. Frankly I think I’m going to go with no, even if that’s irresponsible or whatever because I’m just to tired of being the one to have to settle things.
And last night a thought struck me - am I going against who I am i.e. being a leader because of my leadership qualities or whatever. Is it easier being one both willingly and unwillingly? A part of me wonders if my father is a reason for my behavior now. He is a leader indeed and he has always been one - I guess if leadership is an inherited quality I got it from him. The difference between me and him is that he thrives on the challenges that leadership brings while at the point in time I feel that the challenges of leadership, in a role that I did not ask for, is absolutely irking, frustrating and draining.
I remember when I got that report card from kindergarden, my father was very happy with the ‘leadership qualities’ remark. I also remember being shocked at the stress that my father went through as a leader. I think that shock as well as this nagging thought that I do not want to end up like my father (a leader all the way through) is what resulted in this duality of me liking yet hating being in-charge.
As usual there are no answers to this question, least not now. Perhaps with time I’ll know.
And there’s another issue on my mind and the people which know about the issue is happily holidaying and I have to wait for them to be back for advice. Sigh. This is turning out to be an ‘interesting’ month in which all I do is to avoid things…
This same reason of enjoying the task and well maybe that of being in-charge led me to take on similar subject/CCA representative roles in secondary school (as well as completely avoiding any such roles in primary school because I didn’t really like my teachers ;p).
However somewhere along the line from college to university I started to change my concept towards being in-charge. I guess as I grew older I realized that being in-charge meant a lot of responsibility. Not that I minded if it was a task I enjoyed doing. But the crux is that I have to enjoy the task. I guess I realized that for tasks that I would not enjoy, I have no qualms about being a follower instead to avoid any messy repercussions.
In actual truth, this ‘leadership qualities’ of mine has been an internal struggle for as long as I recall. As much as I may like the feeling of being in-charge, I also liked not really being in the spotlight and not having to be the one to make a decision (in fear of possible repercussions. So yes I try not to take on any leadership roles unless I have no choice or I really enjoy/have a deep vested interest in the situation on hand. And for those leadership roles I take on the responsibility willingly of my own choice, I will see it through to the end. But for those thrust on me, that’s a different story altogether.
And it really does irk me that sometimes somehow I end up being the one that others think should be the one in-charge. I guess it irks because to them it means I will settle everything and yeah clear up any messes which I really hate. In those situations no matter how hard I try to shrug of it, to my annoyance I can’t because either 1) no one else will do the job or 2) I take on the role to try and fulfill other’s expectations of me. Neither of which makes me happy at all really.
Case in point: the major project of last year which gave me no end of hell and burnt out as well as being complained about not giving my best (a first actually haha) and a nonsensical “I looked like I was having fun doing all the work so no one wanted to take my fun away” excuse for no one chipping in to help me do their part of the work at certain stages of the project. So yes, after this incident I hate being a leader even more especially when I didn’t ask for it.
Last night, I was pondering about this issue because of irritating requests to be the one to do stuff again and it’s a job that I have no interest in at all. My inclination is to completely ignore the requests because I don’t like it and I know because I don’t like it I won’t do a good job. But I can’t help wondering if I’m really being very selfish and irresponsible and if it’s easier just to do the job and get the annoyances over with. A part of me says yes but the other part of me which really does not want to do this job says no. Frankly I think I’m going to go with no, even if that’s irresponsible or whatever because I’m just to tired of being the one to have to settle things.
And last night a thought struck me - am I going against who I am i.e. being a leader because of my leadership qualities or whatever. Is it easier being one both willingly and unwillingly? A part of me wonders if my father is a reason for my behavior now. He is a leader indeed and he has always been one - I guess if leadership is an inherited quality I got it from him. The difference between me and him is that he thrives on the challenges that leadership brings while at the point in time I feel that the challenges of leadership, in a role that I did not ask for, is absolutely irking, frustrating and draining.
I remember when I got that report card from kindergarden, my father was very happy with the ‘leadership qualities’ remark. I also remember being shocked at the stress that my father went through as a leader. I think that shock as well as this nagging thought that I do not want to end up like my father (a leader all the way through) is what resulted in this duality of me liking yet hating being in-charge.
As usual there are no answers to this question, least not now. Perhaps with time I’ll know.
And there’s another issue on my mind and the people which know about the issue is happily holidaying and I have to wait for them to be back for advice. Sigh. This is turning out to be an ‘interesting’ month in which all I do is to avoid things…