Dreams are dreams indeed...
He hasn’t been online for a while. I had thought he might be out to avoid me. But now I realize it’s not that.
He probably has been given the choice and chance to telecommute - work from home. And if he was given the choice I know he would have taken it up. I seem to recall him saying once some of his colleagues in his division get to telecommute and he commented along the lines of lucky buggers or so. So yes.
And yes I have my reason for why he’s not been online. He does not turn on his messenger when he’s at home or only for “random occurrences”.
So ouch. Yes. I’m regretting not talking to him online last week when I could have. And I would have if I had known that was the last week he would be in the office. Last chance. But because I didn’t know I lost that chance. Sigh.
I think this really is a sign that this dalliance and fixation about him must end. Apart from the sheer improbability there is that physical gap and no signs whatsoever of any chance to bridge the gap.
I’m getting tired. Of wanting yet knowing I can’t have him. Of feeling but knowing nothing good will come out of it. Of hoping but knowing it’s more than not hopeless.
And it all comes down to the biggest question of it all at the heart of this whole issue. Why am I still wanting, feeling and hoping when I know it’s not possible?!
I understand the desire in everyone for a partner. The gaping hole in the heart that yearns and needs to be filled. And grabs at any chance to be filled regardless of the consequences and pain. I understand that this gaping hole, once revealed, is impossible to shut out or to pretend it doesn’t exist.
But am I really that helpless or incapable of surviving on my own? Must I have someone then I can be happy? Must my life revolve around a relationship damn it.
I refuse to. Absolutely refuse to. Then why am I still so… Argh.
I understood long ago that I don’t mind loving someone even if it is one-sided because so long as I can bring the other person some joy or happiness, I’ll be happy too and contented.
The problem now is probably really I can do nothing for him. And that he doesn’t need me to also. That’s why I have to let go. Oh well, it’ll be good when 7th comes. With all the stuff going on I’m sure I’ll be distracted sufficiently.
Oh well. Time to wake up from dreams.
He probably has been given the choice and chance to telecommute - work from home. And if he was given the choice I know he would have taken it up. I seem to recall him saying once some of his colleagues in his division get to telecommute and he commented along the lines of lucky buggers or so. So yes.
And yes I have my reason for why he’s not been online. He does not turn on his messenger when he’s at home or only for “random occurrences”.
So ouch. Yes. I’m regretting not talking to him online last week when I could have. And I would have if I had known that was the last week he would be in the office. Last chance. But because I didn’t know I lost that chance. Sigh.
I think this really is a sign that this dalliance and fixation about him must end. Apart from the sheer improbability there is that physical gap and no signs whatsoever of any chance to bridge the gap.
I’m getting tired. Of wanting yet knowing I can’t have him. Of feeling but knowing nothing good will come out of it. Of hoping but knowing it’s more than not hopeless.
And it all comes down to the biggest question of it all at the heart of this whole issue. Why am I still wanting, feeling and hoping when I know it’s not possible?!
I understand the desire in everyone for a partner. The gaping hole in the heart that yearns and needs to be filled. And grabs at any chance to be filled regardless of the consequences and pain. I understand that this gaping hole, once revealed, is impossible to shut out or to pretend it doesn’t exist.
But am I really that helpless or incapable of surviving on my own? Must I have someone then I can be happy? Must my life revolve around a relationship damn it.
I refuse to. Absolutely refuse to. Then why am I still so… Argh.
I understood long ago that I don’t mind loving someone even if it is one-sided because so long as I can bring the other person some joy or happiness, I’ll be happy too and contented.
The problem now is probably really I can do nothing for him. And that he doesn’t need me to also. That’s why I have to let go. Oh well, it’ll be good when 7th comes. With all the stuff going on I’m sure I’ll be distracted sufficiently.
Oh well. Time to wake up from dreams.