boys
wow... i just watched a really really good documentary about boys growing up in todays society. All difference races and classes... it was just .. very emotional. i found myself relating on so many different levels it actually brought a tear to my eye when talking about fathers and feelings of being unwanted. it brought me so down... i havent felt this low in a while. i tried texting chelsea but she didn't reply. i kinda wanted to talk to her, but i'm sure she was busy with her friends. i don't know what to do now. i'm feeling pretty bad, i probably shouldn't have dranken those beers during it, but ... yeah i know, i'm dumb. what i would realy like to do is to have her with me and sleep while holding each other. i'm ... not sure why i'm writing this, i guess its whats expected. i'm expressing my emotions in a "journal" even thought it happens to be not private and where everybody else can read it, but who cares. It's all i have. i'm listening to frank extremely loud... and it makes me feel pretty good. i love these new headphoens i have, theyre amazing! blasting my music to my hearts content without having to worry aobut disturbing anybody. sooo good. god dammit i love music. the musical aspect of it. lyrics ... meh, i don't care so much for them unless they were written a while ago. honestly, i could live without lyrics all together. i love listening to instrumentals.... i seem to be able to express myself much more easily and without regret or anxiety while intoxicated on something. whether drugs or some form or alcohol. i've always been that way and i really think thats a big source of my problems. Chelsea always wants to hear my oppinons and to hear my "passion". but honestly, i'm scared to tell these things to her. i feel, even though its not true, because i know shes so no judging or holds things against people.... expect for the time i didnt kiss her on new years :P, im scared of being judged. so i maintain a "neutral" subject on everything unless i'm with people who i dont care what they think about me. But with her, i care deeply what she thinks, all her friends too, especially. .... it looks like i need more gramar classes to figure out how to like... use commas! Gooooaaassshh.. brb. mkaaaay back. i scanned some pictures a while ago.... old ones. my grandparents gave to me. i did it for my parents... but i foudn that my middle brother jacob is exactly like my dad. both emotionally and in person... and that scares me. my dads very generous but he's also a hatefull asshole who .. disgusts me with his lust for money. . . . weeeeeeelll now i'm .. yes.. i just bought a roundtrip airline ticket to go to hawaii for spring break with the hayes family :-D! yaaeeeaaaaahhhhhssss!!!! i'm so excited about. i get to spend spring break with my best friend... ... yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! plus Q-tip is gonna be there :)! weells... i'm just about out of strength.... i feel ... good but bad at the same time. don't you wis hlife was easier? god.. .all i want to do is to be with somebody who loves me like i love them and to have... well i want to be in the music industry but i'm afraid that that will never happen. Yes yes.. i believe this is the longest post i've ever made. i guess thats what you get for being so sexy ;) ... heh... well...i guess i'm done for now. i'm going to go to bed soon. I would love a reply.. but if not thats cool too. i love everbody :(... so much. *mmmuah to everbody. i'm going to bed. i cant seem to get ahold of anybody . so goodnight. i'll hopefully passout muy soon.