stressssss
It's been a while since I wrote in my journal, probably 'cause I haven't been extremely happy or extremely upset. Right now I'm listening to John Mayer, because I idolize his work, songs, goals, and views and aspirations. He's such a great role model, not to mention he's hott too.
Well lately I've been horribly stressed out about school. I don't know where I'm going to college. Since the 7th grade, I've designed my life to get into Emerson College. I need to go there. They still haven't responded, I find out April 1st.
"Yes I'm grounded. Got my wings clipped. I'm surrounded by all this pavement. Guess I'll circle while I'm waiting for my fuse to dry. Some day I'll fly, someday I'll soar. Someday I'll be so damn much more, 'cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for." "Bigger Than My Body" just came on, and I had to quote that. That is exactly how I feel. I think that's how we all feel this year. I just can't wait to go to school away from here. Not that New York is bad, I love Long Island. I just want to be able to say that for a memorable part of my life, I lived in another state, where I became a different, more mature and wiser person.
LACROSSE:
Well what else has been bothering me? Oh yeah, Lacrosse!! Now that we have our new coach, Mrs. Howard, it feels like going to practice is a chore. I made a commitment to a team, and I have to stick with it. There are only three seniors remaining. Me, Larissa and Nicole. I wouldn't be surprised if any of the captains turned out to be the younger girls. I just dont have the same feeling for sports as I used to. I think as I grew older, I became more artistic and reserved. Going out onto a field and beating the shit out of a girl with a ball in her stick just isn't my cup of tea anymore. What's confusing is that every once in a while I taste what that rush used to be like, when it felt sooo amazing to score a goal and have everyone on the sidelines cheer for me. Once I scored 6 goals in one game. I won the game for West Babylon. It felt wonderful.
MUSIC:
That kind of victorious feeling is similar to reading music. Once I conquer a difficult piece of music and I can play it by memorization, it's like I was meant for this. My purpose on Earth is to play music and make millions smile with my gift of creating harmonial sounds with my finger tips. Once I get new music, I feel small again, like I have to defeat a huge monster and learn this new song. Most of the time I put down the music and walk away. There are so many songs I want to teach myself but I just never do it. I don't know what im waiting for, maybe to just get better? But I can't get better if I dont play them. Then when I'm bored I'll sit at the piano and fiddle around with chords and keys, and I find something that sounds catchy. I experiment with more notes and sequences and three hours later I have this incredible composition I whipped out of thin air. Maybe I can go somewhere with my music. Maybe I cant. No matter what, there will always be someone worse than me, and someone better than me. Wherever I go; in the supermarket, on a lacrosse field, in band, everywhere, anytime, I will always be better than someone, and someone will always be better than me.
RIGHT NOW:
I'm writing this and I know in the back of my mind I have to vacuum the downstairs... I keep putting it off. Mom's comming home soon. I don't want to vacuum the house, but I have to. Why? Because everything is a domino effect. If I dont vacuum when Mom tells me to, and I do it on my own time, she gets mad. So after she yells at me and I vacuum, it'll be another hour until shes happy go lucky again. Depending on my mood, if I snap at her within the hour shes ticked off at me, she'll get madder, then I'll get madder, then she'll get madder, then me. It's a perpetual cycle of cat fights within the confines of the Samartino household. Otherwise I love my mommy.
MEN:
"I still wish you fought me 'til your dieing day. Don't let me get away." "Split Screen Saddness" is playing, and that one line from that song reminds me of a little love affair that ended open. We just stopped talking, and I miss dating what seemed like the perfect guy. Aside from the whole prom date/ no prom date situation I'm in, I'm just an empty person when it comes to a love life. Right now it's good because I dont want to get too close to anyone. I'm anticipating on meeting a whole bunch of new people once college rolls around. My best guy friend, has a girlfriend and it's so weird because I never formally met her. I mean I remember her, but I've never said a word to her once in my life. He has such a different past than I do. His friends used to be so different than mine. It's only recent that I introduced him to my friends that I hang out with now, and they all love him. He's awesome, I don't know how any girl could not fall in love with this guy. He's got it all, and he and I finish each other's sentences which is weird, sometimes. Now one of my best girlfriends is setting me up with her cousin as a prom date. Isn't it sad that I need to meet a guy from towns away just to take them to my prom? He's cool, he and I have a lot in common, and he's funny as hell. Now I'm stuck because if I decide not to bring him, she might get pissed at me, and I just dont need that right now. It's my prom too I want to enjoy it. Now he and I are friends, and we've been hanging out every weekend, and I feel bad when my best guy friend calls me to hang out and I tell him I already have plans. Getting past those two, this other guy who I kind of dated last year, who seemed to be soooo totally amazing and handsom and funny and intellegent and charming and talented, pretty much everything I've ever wanted ever, has a commitment problem so bad that he stopped talking to me. Now all he does is IM me smiley faces and when I IM him back he puts up his away message. What's he scared of? What did I do? I don't think I did anything, I honestly think I'm an awesome person to date. I'm not possesive or jealous. I'm not an idiot, I can carry on an intelligent conversation, and I don't waste my life away. Whatever, I'm still 17. If I attract such awesome guys like these three, and not idiots who act like male shovanists, or losers who occupy their time with drugs sex and cars, then I think I'm off to a good start.
PEOPLE / FRIENDS:
I love my friends to death. The Fab Five, sometimes Six. I just don't think that we're all treated fare and even when it comes to doing things and making plans. It's always the same two, maybe three people telling everyone else what we're all doing that night. I bet that will change when I start to drive though, because then I'll be able to go anywhere and meet whoever I want and I'll be totally independent. I guess this really isn't about my friends but about me. What IS about my friends is that I dont think they always hear me. When I say something, I dont think they listen, or if they do, they just dont care. This isn't all the time, but I can certainly remember some situations in the past year that have made me think twice about how people treat me and how seriously people take me. Yes, I joke around a lot. Yes, I pull stupid pranks to amuse myself, but I'm not always all fun and games 24-7. There are times when I'm being absolutley serious and people just say whatever they want, and turn the other way. I can't deal with that. That's when I blow up inside but dont let any steam out, because my friends, despite their good natures and innocence, will take it all personally and then there will be journal entries about me, and gossip and teenage drama bullshit. All my friends are sensitive people, which is both a positive and negative aspect about them. Another thing, and this is for people in general, I cannot stand it when someone talks about themself, and themself only. That right there is a true indication of ignorance. Sometimes, I can acctually feel my ears bleed with nonsence and garbage. It really makes me want to just fly away to a land of gum drops and rainbows. Yeah I guess I'm sensitive too.
BROADCASTER'S CLUB:
School school school. 65 weekdays left and it's over. As Napoleon would say, "Yesssssssss." I didn't have one ounce of splendor this entire year. Not one bit. It's frustrating, knowing that freedom is so close yet so far. One thing that I need much help with is Broadcasters' Club. I try so hard to get things working, and not a damn member helps out with anything. They all think that I'll magically whip out a broadcast from my heinie and I'll have it all set up to air. Yeah, if I could do that, I'd whip out a time machine and blast me 65 days into the future. I dream of the moment when I throw my cap into the air.
Well thanks for reading my problems. It really shows someone cares. Post a comment, and don't make it anonymous, whether it's negative or enlightening. If anyone is going to say anything to me, have the guts to at least show yourself.
thanks guys <3
nickiesam
Well lately I've been horribly stressed out about school. I don't know where I'm going to college. Since the 7th grade, I've designed my life to get into Emerson College. I need to go there. They still haven't responded, I find out April 1st.
"Yes I'm grounded. Got my wings clipped. I'm surrounded by all this pavement. Guess I'll circle while I'm waiting for my fuse to dry. Some day I'll fly, someday I'll soar. Someday I'll be so damn much more, 'cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for." "Bigger Than My Body" just came on, and I had to quote that. That is exactly how I feel. I think that's how we all feel this year. I just can't wait to go to school away from here. Not that New York is bad, I love Long Island. I just want to be able to say that for a memorable part of my life, I lived in another state, where I became a different, more mature and wiser person.
LACROSSE:
Well what else has been bothering me? Oh yeah, Lacrosse!! Now that we have our new coach, Mrs. Howard, it feels like going to practice is a chore. I made a commitment to a team, and I have to stick with it. There are only three seniors remaining. Me, Larissa and Nicole. I wouldn't be surprised if any of the captains turned out to be the younger girls. I just dont have the same feeling for sports as I used to. I think as I grew older, I became more artistic and reserved. Going out onto a field and beating the shit out of a girl with a ball in her stick just isn't my cup of tea anymore. What's confusing is that every once in a while I taste what that rush used to be like, when it felt sooo amazing to score a goal and have everyone on the sidelines cheer for me. Once I scored 6 goals in one game. I won the game for West Babylon. It felt wonderful.
MUSIC:
That kind of victorious feeling is similar to reading music. Once I conquer a difficult piece of music and I can play it by memorization, it's like I was meant for this. My purpose on Earth is to play music and make millions smile with my gift of creating harmonial sounds with my finger tips. Once I get new music, I feel small again, like I have to defeat a huge monster and learn this new song. Most of the time I put down the music and walk away. There are so many songs I want to teach myself but I just never do it. I don't know what im waiting for, maybe to just get better? But I can't get better if I dont play them. Then when I'm bored I'll sit at the piano and fiddle around with chords and keys, and I find something that sounds catchy. I experiment with more notes and sequences and three hours later I have this incredible composition I whipped out of thin air. Maybe I can go somewhere with my music. Maybe I cant. No matter what, there will always be someone worse than me, and someone better than me. Wherever I go; in the supermarket, on a lacrosse field, in band, everywhere, anytime, I will always be better than someone, and someone will always be better than me.
RIGHT NOW:
I'm writing this and I know in the back of my mind I have to vacuum the downstairs... I keep putting it off. Mom's comming home soon. I don't want to vacuum the house, but I have to. Why? Because everything is a domino effect. If I dont vacuum when Mom tells me to, and I do it on my own time, she gets mad. So after she yells at me and I vacuum, it'll be another hour until shes happy go lucky again. Depending on my mood, if I snap at her within the hour shes ticked off at me, she'll get madder, then I'll get madder, then she'll get madder, then me. It's a perpetual cycle of cat fights within the confines of the Samartino household. Otherwise I love my mommy.
MEN:
"I still wish you fought me 'til your dieing day. Don't let me get away." "Split Screen Saddness" is playing, and that one line from that song reminds me of a little love affair that ended open. We just stopped talking, and I miss dating what seemed like the perfect guy. Aside from the whole prom date/ no prom date situation I'm in, I'm just an empty person when it comes to a love life. Right now it's good because I dont want to get too close to anyone. I'm anticipating on meeting a whole bunch of new people once college rolls around. My best guy friend, has a girlfriend and it's so weird because I never formally met her. I mean I remember her, but I've never said a word to her once in my life. He has such a different past than I do. His friends used to be so different than mine. It's only recent that I introduced him to my friends that I hang out with now, and they all love him. He's awesome, I don't know how any girl could not fall in love with this guy. He's got it all, and he and I finish each other's sentences which is weird, sometimes. Now one of my best girlfriends is setting me up with her cousin as a prom date. Isn't it sad that I need to meet a guy from towns away just to take them to my prom? He's cool, he and I have a lot in common, and he's funny as hell. Now I'm stuck because if I decide not to bring him, she might get pissed at me, and I just dont need that right now. It's my prom too I want to enjoy it. Now he and I are friends, and we've been hanging out every weekend, and I feel bad when my best guy friend calls me to hang out and I tell him I already have plans. Getting past those two, this other guy who I kind of dated last year, who seemed to be soooo totally amazing and handsom and funny and intellegent and charming and talented, pretty much everything I've ever wanted ever, has a commitment problem so bad that he stopped talking to me. Now all he does is IM me smiley faces and when I IM him back he puts up his away message. What's he scared of? What did I do? I don't think I did anything, I honestly think I'm an awesome person to date. I'm not possesive or jealous. I'm not an idiot, I can carry on an intelligent conversation, and I don't waste my life away. Whatever, I'm still 17. If I attract such awesome guys like these three, and not idiots who act like male shovanists, or losers who occupy their time with drugs sex and cars, then I think I'm off to a good start.
PEOPLE / FRIENDS:
I love my friends to death. The Fab Five, sometimes Six. I just don't think that we're all treated fare and even when it comes to doing things and making plans. It's always the same two, maybe three people telling everyone else what we're all doing that night. I bet that will change when I start to drive though, because then I'll be able to go anywhere and meet whoever I want and I'll be totally independent. I guess this really isn't about my friends but about me. What IS about my friends is that I dont think they always hear me. When I say something, I dont think they listen, or if they do, they just dont care. This isn't all the time, but I can certainly remember some situations in the past year that have made me think twice about how people treat me and how seriously people take me. Yes, I joke around a lot. Yes, I pull stupid pranks to amuse myself, but I'm not always all fun and games 24-7. There are times when I'm being absolutley serious and people just say whatever they want, and turn the other way. I can't deal with that. That's when I blow up inside but dont let any steam out, because my friends, despite their good natures and innocence, will take it all personally and then there will be journal entries about me, and gossip and teenage drama bullshit. All my friends are sensitive people, which is both a positive and negative aspect about them. Another thing, and this is for people in general, I cannot stand it when someone talks about themself, and themself only. That right there is a true indication of ignorance. Sometimes, I can acctually feel my ears bleed with nonsence and garbage. It really makes me want to just fly away to a land of gum drops and rainbows. Yeah I guess I'm sensitive too.
BROADCASTER'S CLUB:
School school school. 65 weekdays left and it's over. As Napoleon would say, "Yesssssssss." I didn't have one ounce of splendor this entire year. Not one bit. It's frustrating, knowing that freedom is so close yet so far. One thing that I need much help with is Broadcasters' Club. I try so hard to get things working, and not a damn member helps out with anything. They all think that I'll magically whip out a broadcast from my heinie and I'll have it all set up to air. Yeah, if I could do that, I'd whip out a time machine and blast me 65 days into the future. I dream of the moment when I throw my cap into the air.
Well thanks for reading my problems. It really shows someone cares. Post a comment, and don't make it anonymous, whether it's negative or enlightening. If anyone is going to say anything to me, have the guts to at least show yourself.
thanks guys <3
nickiesam