(no subject)
I tried going to the UW yesterday to talk to an adviser about going back to school for a post-bac in lingsuistics, but it turned out they only talk to "transfer students" (which I apparently am--I was not sure how I would qualify, since I already finished my one degree) on Thursdays. Which was really annoying because that means I have to wait another week and also take time off and ALSO muster up the nerve to go talk to people a second time after having already failed once. I left there kind of mad, in a way that often (always) spirals into defeatist anger at myself for trying, for wanting something.
But for once it did not. Instead was like, "I don't care, I don't care if you don't really want me because I'm old and your focus is the incoming freshmen, I don't care how long I have to wander around feeling stupid and awkward, I don't even care if I have to go into all sorts of horrible new debt. I want this really really bad and I will do whatever I have to to figure it out." I don't think I've ever felt like that before.
Now I just have to make it true. Ugh, apparently I need my transcripts, and I can't just log into my old U of M account because it's been too long and my password is out of date. Fine, so I have to email tech support. FINE. I will DO that, then. AND I will email the UW to see if I should get anything else ready, because my fear of talking to people and making calls and sending emails WILL NOT HOLD ME DOWN ANY MORE.
But for once it did not. Instead was like, "I don't care, I don't care if you don't really want me because I'm old and your focus is the incoming freshmen, I don't care how long I have to wander around feeling stupid and awkward, I don't even care if I have to go into all sorts of horrible new debt. I want this really really bad and I will do whatever I have to to figure it out." I don't think I've ever felt like that before.
Now I just have to make it true. Ugh, apparently I need my transcripts, and I can't just log into my old U of M account because it's been too long and my password is out of date. Fine, so I have to email tech support. FINE. I will DO that, then. AND I will email the UW to see if I should get anything else ready, because my fear of talking to people and making calls and sending emails WILL NOT HOLD ME DOWN ANY MORE.