(no subject)
I think this must be some kind of mental illness, that I CANNOT confront people properly. I have it all planned out in my head, what I want and need to say, what needs to be addressed, and then I get the person in front of me and... they have eyes, with feelings in them, and I get caught up and lost in what they're feeling until I FORGET my own feelings ENTIRELY. Over and over this happens. It's like my awareness of their feelings overwrites my own so all I can do is reflect until I am alone again and can come back to myself enough to wonder what the hell just happened.
The worst thing is not that I end up undermining myself: at least that's just my own problem. The worst thing is that when other people fight with each other I end up agreeing and siding with them both when I try to talk to them one-on-one, and then when I get away and can think about it on my own I feel two-faced and dishonest.
Part of me wants to blame them for being so self-centered and unwilling to listen and think about each other's feelings. The rest of me is jealous that they can do that.
I need to resolve to be more reserved. Nod and make understanding noises, but not directly agree with things or make definitive statements that I can regret later. At least no one's caught me out yet, but I live in fear of being overheard by the other party.
As an aside: this is part of why I need to have such strict boundaries about my own behavior, the things I Will and Will Not do. Can you even imagine how thoroughly this kind of thing could be manipulated and abused if, say, I was less firm in my determination to not have sex?
The worst thing is not that I end up undermining myself: at least that's just my own problem. The worst thing is that when other people fight with each other I end up agreeing and siding with them both when I try to talk to them one-on-one, and then when I get away and can think about it on my own I feel two-faced and dishonest.
Part of me wants to blame them for being so self-centered and unwilling to listen and think about each other's feelings. The rest of me is jealous that they can do that.
I need to resolve to be more reserved. Nod and make understanding noises, but not directly agree with things or make definitive statements that I can regret later. At least no one's caught me out yet, but I live in fear of being overheard by the other party.
As an aside: this is part of why I need to have such strict boundaries about my own behavior, the things I Will and Will Not do. Can you even imagine how thoroughly this kind of thing could be manipulated and abused if, say, I was less firm in my determination to not have sex?