(no subject)
My aunt's renewing-marriage-vows ceremony was today. I spent most of the last few days working on a portrait of them for a gift, which I just barely finished in time. All the family came, all the random third uncles and whatever that I don't know thew names of. She's in the final stages of cancer and we're expecting to see the whole group again soon for the funeral, but it was so nice for once to have a happy thing for the family to do. It seems like all we ever do is go to funerals these days.
At one point, my... grandpa's brother Lowell? said something about how it's too bad it has to be such a sad day, and I wondered how he could miss the point so completely. This was our last hurrah before the sad day. And yet, when we were driving away at the end I just started crying. It was just too well-set; the people dancing to bouncy 60's rock and the sun setting, and the aching thought that the happy day was over now and we just have the sad one left to wait for. Which, I mean, there can be other days between now and then. But the big happy landmark is over.
It's the weirdest feeling, because I'm sad enough to cry (which is really, really rare) but not in a bad way. The sadness of the impending loss is all mixed with the warm feeling of having something worth mourning. We have such a beautiful family really, even if it's kind of bruised and keeps shrinking. And in some ways the loss helps you see what you have in the first place, so you feel suddenly blessed and bereft at the same time.
Gah, I'm having such a hard time explaining this. It's all so weirdly clear in my head, but it's more of a feeling or an image or something than words.
I keep thinking of when my grandma died when I was nine, and how crappy I felt at the funeral because I felt so guilty for how bratty I had been to her. And my aunt came and talked to me and I told her what I felt, and she told me that the best thing I could take away from it was to learn to appreciate people that were left while they're still here. And how when I'm really, really happy all I can think about is how any minute it'll be over and I'll never have that moment back again. I'm always really quiet when I'm that happy, because I'm trying to soak in as many details as I can so that when it's over it won't be completely gone. And I've never applied that thinking to people before, until now, but suddenly it seems to all fit together so well. And I can't explain anything worth crap, but I'm. Crying again (I must be getting dehydrated at this rate) but in a good sad sort of way because somehow things are making more sense to me than usual and it's really kind of beautiful in my head, even if I can't express it at all.