Positive Change 54--Something Precious
1. 3 gratitudes--list three new things that you're grateful for each day.
2. Journaling--write about one positive thing that happened in the past 24 hours each day
3. Exercise
4. Meditation--teaches you to focus on the task at hand, to be in the now
5. Random acts of kindness--perform one each day
Hello all. Happy Holidays. It's been a long time since I made a Positive Change posts, but I get periodic reminders of how sharing things like this can really spread the concept of working at change daily, so I want to keep on doing it.
I had something particular to talk about today, though. Lately, I've been filled with sadness over having to sever my long relationship with my husband--divorce, in other words. New aspects of this loss keep coming up, and recently I was given the gift of realizing that one huge source of sadness and of resistance to the divorce process was the way it made me feel to think that I'd have no more right to know the details of his daily life, that he wouldn't be "mine" anymore. This realization just bowled me over and filled me with grief, so I knew it was a true one.
Last night I had therapy, and though the process was really awkward, with my therapist not seeming to understand what I was trying to say, I kept talking about how there was this precious thing that I didn't want to let go of, but I couldn't quite name it...a dream of family life, plus all of the things we did to create that family life, my hopes for a place where we could all be ourselves safely, a dream of closeness...I kept winding my way toward defining what this thing was that I was so terrified of losing, or filled with grief at losing, that I didn't want to let go of.
And then, thinking back, I remembered that my husband was very important in this dream, because I didn't think there was any way I could accomplish these goals on my own. I had no faith in my own strength, integrity, and persistence. Or skills. But as I remembered that, I realized that that was a delusion. And at the same time the reality began to seep in that much of what we accomplished together was my doing. Not the carpet installation or the installation of the fireplace insert, none of that, but that concept of creating a hearth that we could all sit around and draw strength from, I did a lot toward making that real, thinking about what our kids needed from us to become strong and happy adults. Creating family traditions and family memories. Becoming the kind of person that can be relied on. I really did do all of that and probably a lot more.
So I had this kind of instantaneous evolution in my thinking about what I was losing...not that I've let go of my grief or that it has disappeared or been resolved...but that a hope and a conviction were born that this precious thing that I was clinging to is already mine, and that the divorce doesn't threaten it.
This morning, as I tried to let the implications sink in, I was filled with a vague sense of possibility and hope, a new life, and I could see that I probably could continue to move forward.
And I actually thought "Merry Christmas, me."
Three gratitudes
1. I'm thankful that I have something to live for.
2. I'm thankful for beautiful music and the people who are moved to make it.
3. I'm thankful for family members.
Something good happened: I heard an amazingly silly and cute song on the radio this morning ("I've Got Christmas by the Tail" sung by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks).
Acts of kindness...hmmmm, I think I'm behind on these. Better think of one quick!
Thank you to anyone who read all of the way through!
2. Journaling--write about one positive thing that happened in the past 24 hours each day
3. Exercise
4. Meditation--teaches you to focus on the task at hand, to be in the now
5. Random acts of kindness--perform one each day
Hello all. Happy Holidays. It's been a long time since I made a Positive Change posts, but I get periodic reminders of how sharing things like this can really spread the concept of working at change daily, so I want to keep on doing it.
I had something particular to talk about today, though. Lately, I've been filled with sadness over having to sever my long relationship with my husband--divorce, in other words. New aspects of this loss keep coming up, and recently I was given the gift of realizing that one huge source of sadness and of resistance to the divorce process was the way it made me feel to think that I'd have no more right to know the details of his daily life, that he wouldn't be "mine" anymore. This realization just bowled me over and filled me with grief, so I knew it was a true one.
Last night I had therapy, and though the process was really awkward, with my therapist not seeming to understand what I was trying to say, I kept talking about how there was this precious thing that I didn't want to let go of, but I couldn't quite name it...a dream of family life, plus all of the things we did to create that family life, my hopes for a place where we could all be ourselves safely, a dream of closeness...I kept winding my way toward defining what this thing was that I was so terrified of losing, or filled with grief at losing, that I didn't want to let go of.
And then, thinking back, I remembered that my husband was very important in this dream, because I didn't think there was any way I could accomplish these goals on my own. I had no faith in my own strength, integrity, and persistence. Or skills. But as I remembered that, I realized that that was a delusion. And at the same time the reality began to seep in that much of what we accomplished together was my doing. Not the carpet installation or the installation of the fireplace insert, none of that, but that concept of creating a hearth that we could all sit around and draw strength from, I did a lot toward making that real, thinking about what our kids needed from us to become strong and happy adults. Creating family traditions and family memories. Becoming the kind of person that can be relied on. I really did do all of that and probably a lot more.
So I had this kind of instantaneous evolution in my thinking about what I was losing...not that I've let go of my grief or that it has disappeared or been resolved...but that a hope and a conviction were born that this precious thing that I was clinging to is already mine, and that the divorce doesn't threaten it.
This morning, as I tried to let the implications sink in, I was filled with a vague sense of possibility and hope, a new life, and I could see that I probably could continue to move forward.
And I actually thought "Merry Christmas, me."
Three gratitudes
1. I'm thankful that I have something to live for.
2. I'm thankful for beautiful music and the people who are moved to make it.
3. I'm thankful for family members.
Something good happened: I heard an amazingly silly and cute song on the radio this morning ("I've Got Christmas by the Tail" sung by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks).
Acts of kindness...hmmmm, I think I'm behind on these. Better think of one quick!
Thank you to anyone who read all of the way through!