(no subject)

[koji]

Had a strange dream again the other night. She and Donovan were there, and I felt the sense of being unwelcome and unwanted, as expected. She left with some other friends and I was alone with Donovan and trying to think of a polite or non-offensive way to either excuse myself or make small-talk that wouldn't be uncomfortable; when suddenly he hugged me. I got the feeling it was just a mask, just going through the motions of how one is suppose to act, to cover up the truth. But I couldn't help but lean into him and rest my head on his shoulder- feeling incredibly guilty for doing so, and quietly asking he forgive me for it. He didn't let go, and hesitantly I began to raise my arms to return the gesture rather than just lay against him. But as my weight rested on him and I moved, he began to step back, or stumble back, taking me with him. I felt like I was pushing him back without meaning to, but he was smiling like he didn't mind. We were standing under a roof of some sort, but outside, and it was raining lightly. I suddenly went ahead and hugged him, pulling him towards me rather than the other way around and finding my voice in time to say I wasn't intending to push him into the rain and blurting out some frantic apology. I was trying to stop him from taking another step back. He just looked amused and spun around, so that he was the one pushing me back now, and there was no confusion about me being an aggressor. "What's so bad about the rain?" He asked as we both stepped into it, he now moving his arms to take me into a dance position. And then he began slowly spinning and waltzing (or some other sort of dance) with me in the rain, letting it fall on us without fear, and he was smiling and there seemed to be no menace just a dreamy amusement. It felt wonderful and even a bit romantic and I felt struck down and at a complete loss for words. I wanted to throw myself into the dance, let myself hug him or be held without worrying about the subtle messages he might take from such rash actions. On the other hand I was utterly perplexed, asking myself if I had any sort of romantic feelings for him? And moreover, reminding myself it was impossible for him to have any for me, as he's gay. So what was all of this?

I never had time to figure it out, the dream ended. I only had time to wonder if it was safe to enjoy the dance and step back into his life without fear of rejection, and to marvel at how lovely it was to dance in the rain. How charming he could be when he let himself forget the world.