gosh why do i do this to myself??
i just cant quit him...
its like im a fucking addict...
i cant help but get my hopes up everytime he's just nice to me...
i mean i know it doesnt help the fact that he still wants to hug, kiss, and uh uh you know with me...
he just makes it so much harder for me...
everytime we talk about this stuff i end up crying and he always says we'll end up back together...
but its like he wants to have his cake and eat it too...
like he wants me to act like his girlfriend physically but he wants to be able to talk to other girls (which i already know he does)
and he wants to be able to go party all night (and day)
and have me not "nag" him to come home...
but i am getting the raw end of the deal considering he's leaving Bella with me to watch and even if i wanted to go somewhere i can't since i dont drive....
so all i can do is TRY to not get my hopes up (yeah right)
and somehow accept that he's talking to other girls (never gunna happen)
and just sit at home worrying and wondering what he's doing and when he'll be home.
i guess me going to stay at my mom's might emotionally help me not get my hopes up and atleast i wont have this crap flaunted in my face but again i get the SHITTY end of the deal...
wanna know why?
because me going to my mom's means this:
I am going to be living in the middle of nowhere,
with no cell phone service,
no internet,
no cable,
and I am going to be taking care of my 18 month old daughter and my NEWBORN son who i'll be breastfeeding...
not to mention i'll have a tiny ass room that has spiders and its going to be freaking COLD since my mom just has propane for heat...
the only other human contact i'll have is with my SUPER CATHOLIC REPUBLICAN family...
who i pretty much share NO views with...
not to mention i'm going to have to explain this whole messy ordeal to.
probably a million times....
i know i'm going to cry soooo much.
the hardest part is that i know i love him and DO want to end up wth him...
my family is sooo not going to get that...
they wont get any of this....
HELL I DONT!!
gosh i dont know how my life got to this shitty point.
pretty much the next couple of months he's going to get to party, drink, screw, and be a 21 year old bachlor who doesnt have to worry about his kids....
and i get to be a 21 year old single mother of 2 that lives in the middle of nowhere...no partying or even talking to people other than family.
which life would you chose??
but all i know is that i cant live without my kids....i cant hardly stand being away from Bella for more than a few hours...months? NEVER. even after all this shit i wouldnt trade it with anything because i love my girl SOO much and though i havent even met him yet this little boy inside me has SOOOO much love from me, he's my little angel.
all i can do in the end is hope Z realizes what he's losing....
because though i do want to be with him i cant wait forever...
my heart might be broken just too much...
my trust in him is already strained past what most people could take....
i just dont know how much more i can deal with....
things have to change...
it just HAS to get better...
its like im a fucking addict...
i cant help but get my hopes up everytime he's just nice to me...
i mean i know it doesnt help the fact that he still wants to hug, kiss, and uh uh you know with me...
he just makes it so much harder for me...
everytime we talk about this stuff i end up crying and he always says we'll end up back together...
but its like he wants to have his cake and eat it too...
like he wants me to act like his girlfriend physically but he wants to be able to talk to other girls (which i already know he does)
and he wants to be able to go party all night (and day)
and have me not "nag" him to come home...
but i am getting the raw end of the deal considering he's leaving Bella with me to watch and even if i wanted to go somewhere i can't since i dont drive....
so all i can do is TRY to not get my hopes up (yeah right)
and somehow accept that he's talking to other girls (never gunna happen)
and just sit at home worrying and wondering what he's doing and when he'll be home.
i guess me going to stay at my mom's might emotionally help me not get my hopes up and atleast i wont have this crap flaunted in my face but again i get the SHITTY end of the deal...
wanna know why?
because me going to my mom's means this:
I am going to be living in the middle of nowhere,
with no cell phone service,
no internet,
no cable,
and I am going to be taking care of my 18 month old daughter and my NEWBORN son who i'll be breastfeeding...
not to mention i'll have a tiny ass room that has spiders and its going to be freaking COLD since my mom just has propane for heat...
the only other human contact i'll have is with my SUPER CATHOLIC REPUBLICAN family...
who i pretty much share NO views with...
not to mention i'm going to have to explain this whole messy ordeal to.
probably a million times....
i know i'm going to cry soooo much.
the hardest part is that i know i love him and DO want to end up wth him...
my family is sooo not going to get that...
they wont get any of this....
HELL I DONT!!
gosh i dont know how my life got to this shitty point.
pretty much the next couple of months he's going to get to party, drink, screw, and be a 21 year old bachlor who doesnt have to worry about his kids....
and i get to be a 21 year old single mother of 2 that lives in the middle of nowhere...no partying or even talking to people other than family.
which life would you chose??
but all i know is that i cant live without my kids....i cant hardly stand being away from Bella for more than a few hours...months? NEVER. even after all this shit i wouldnt trade it with anything because i love my girl SOO much and though i havent even met him yet this little boy inside me has SOOOO much love from me, he's my little angel.
all i can do in the end is hope Z realizes what he's losing....
because though i do want to be with him i cant wait forever...
my heart might be broken just too much...
my trust in him is already strained past what most people could take....
i just dont know how much more i can deal with....
things have to change...
it just HAS to get better...