(no subject)
Title-My Josh
Rated-R
Pairing-Josh Madden/Conor Oberst
Summary-Josh looks back and recalls many many connected memories from their relationship.
A/N- When I wrote this Josh, I had only seen one very very sweet looking picture of him. After seeing many other photos, I doubt I would have written this just this way. However, my NorthStar convinced me to post this anyway.
When we walked down that empty road, I wondered what you were thinking. I always wonder what you’re thinking. I don’t like to ask though. Asking has a way of ruining it. Your face becomes sour and you grunt at me a little bit. Once you start talking, your voice is so bitter, so angry. I sometimes wonder if you’re always angry inside.
But I know better than that. I think it’s that you don’t know how to make it all stop, even for a little while. You’re always looking for the next escape.
“I found it in your eyes”
I smiled, shy, “Found what in my eyes?”
“Quiet”
I was silent for a moment, not realizing that it wasn’t a command, but an answer.
You smiled and kissed my cheek, “You’re not really my type, you know”
I ducked my head and blushed a little. Momma always said that I had blue-collar good looks. Not the kind that guys like you go for.
“But I can’t ever get you outta my head”
I smiled a little and shrugged, not sure how to respond. It wasn’t a question or something I could thank you for. You say things like that a lot. Once you told me that not everything really needs an answer.
“And I don’t think I really want to” You kissed me again, the forehead this time, “I like having you here”. You tapped your temple and I blushed harder.
You say the nicest things when you’re not thinking about it. I pulled you close and kissed you in that hallway. “It’s good, cause with you is the only place I wanna be”.
And you still are. You bowed your head down and we kept wandering along that empty stretch of road. It was hot, but it didn’t seem to bother you. Your cheeks were red from the sun, like a too-ripe peach. In a strange way, it was good to see you flush like that rather than with too much wine or sex.
Not that I don’t love your just-after-sex blush.
I remember the first time that I saw it. I was spending the week with Joel and Benji in their NewYork apartment. It was a Wednesday in August about five years ago. You came out of Joel’s room in his boxers and undershirt, still a little out of breath. I couldn’t stop looking at your lips. You couldn’t stop looking at the floor. I didn’t see your eyes until I handed you a glass of orange juice and you finally looked up.
I’d never fallen so hard.
I asked Joel if you were dating.
“Naw. He’s just a trick, ya know?”
He was rebounding from Sean then. I think he still is. “So…he’s nothing special or anything?”
Joel gave me his signature crooked smile, “Why?”
I shrugged and smiled back at him, “No reason!”
“Josh… Just, know that he runs through guys, ok? He’s a nice guy, but nothing more than a trick, ok?”
“Yeah…yeah” I nodded and shrugged half-heartedly. I didn’t want to hold you for just one night. I wanted to stare into your eyes for hours. I wanted to hold you already.
There was a dandelion on the side of the road, all fluffy and white, tall above the brown grass. You crouched down and stared at it for what seemed like a long while. It was probably only a couple of minutes.
“It’s so beautiful” I almost didn’t hear it you said it so quietly.
I came up beside you, still standing, and ran my fingers through the soft hair above the nape of your neck. You leaned your head against my thigh and didn’t take your eyes off of the dandelion.
“We called them ‘wishers’ when I was a kid”
“We always called them fairies”
I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. “You should make a wish on the fairies”
You shut your eyes for a moment, then blew the fairies everywhere. They got caught up in the wind, seemed to hang still for a moment, then came back toward us.
“What did you wish for?”
You were quiet for a moment, “I’ll tell you when it comes true”.
You were so sure that it would come true, that I believed you without thinking. I always believe you because you have this funny way of always being right.
“She’s going to screw up your dinner” You pointed at me with the piece of bread.
“I just got the alfredo. How do you screw up alfredo?”
You raised your eyebrow at me, “Just watch”
And I did. I watched your delicate hands rip the bread to bite-sized pieces before finally moving on to the paper from your straw. The waitress came back and handed me chicken pot-pie.
You were right as always and I told you as much.
“I know”
You never did eat that bread.
“God, you know? Those people, those pathetic people…” You were drunk and slurring your words badly.
I just shook my head and tried to take the bottle of JackDaniels from you, “No… no I don’t know”
“They jus’ can’t…can’t see what’s good for them. Dem-Democracy here, with Americans doesn’t work. They-they believe all the lies and the bullshit” You took the bottle back and came up very close to my face. Your eyes were huge, bloodshot from not enough sleep.
“He’s spun” The boy was on the other side of the room, cutting up white crystals with a razor and pushing the powder into thin lines over and over.
“Yeah.” It was all I could manage. You looked so wrung out.
You had scooted up close to me and put your head against my neck and chest, muttering, “They’re gunna reelect him”
And I’ve never heard you so sad, “Why don’t you come home with me?”.
“They don’t understand. He just waves his hand and gets what he wants. And…and the debate?” You made a sound like a cat choking on a hairball, “That was smoke and mirrors. Smoke and mirrors! We gotta keep him out of office. You an’ me…”
“After you sleep a little, I promise”
“So many promises…”
In the end, you slept, he won, and you went binge-drinking for a 6 days.
You finally stood and put your arm around me. Even then, you were so thin. We held on loosely despite the heat. The naked dandelion head waved in the breeze as we walked on. The sun reflected off the tin roof a silo in the distance and made it seem like there were two suns in the sky that day.
“No wonder it’s so hot”
“City boy.” And you smiled that smile so rare. It’s the one that leaves me breathless every time. My feet slowed.
“You know, it’ll be dark by the time we get back to your house”
You cocked your head to one side, “That’s ok. Right now, we have all the time in the world”
“You make me want to stay here forever”
You shrugged and looked down, “It’s not that great”
“It’s not the place, it’s what it does to you”
“What’s it do to me?”
“Gives you room”
“That’s not the space…”
You blushed a bit, so I had to ask, “What is it?”
“You.”
We had hung out a few times in a crowd. There were always lots of people around you, but you still always looked lonely. I never understood it exactly so one night I asked you about it. You answered me with pretty words and complex sentences. I followed some of it, but after a few minutes, I had no idea what you were talking about.
“…relationships, friendships are transient…”
I swallowed and nodded a little. If I could just fool you into thinking that I knew what you were talking about maybe you would believe that I understood. I believed that somehow I did understand.
You took another drag on your cigarette then stubbed it out without ever looking away from me, “They don’t really want to be my friends but they want people to think they’re my friends”
“Oh god that must be awful. Why would you let them do that to you?” I said it without thinking, without realizing what I was really saying.
And you just almost-smiled at me, “I want to go to Chuck’s. I don’t want to go alone”
You stared at me as if I was supposed to do something, “Do you want me to get Mike?”
“Nah”
“Joel?”
“No.”
“Lisa? Jen?”
“No and No”
“Then…who?”
“You”
Your arm dropped off from around me and we held hands loosely, just by our fingers really. I remember being surprised that your hands could be cold when it was so hot. My shirt stuck to my body and you stared at my sneakers. I only owned one pair, so the same ones I wore in the city, I wore out there. You pulled a pack of cigarettes from your pocket with your free hand and a cigarette from the pack with your teeth. You had a way of never letting go of me until you had to.
“Don’t go”
It wasn’t soft or quiet, but it was filled with such pleading that it startled me, “I’m just getting a glass of water…”
“Oh.” You blushed and pushed back into the covers of my bed. The night before was our first together.
As I got up to go to the kitchen, you did too. Your hands never really left my body. When we got to the kitchen I stood in front of the sink and you had your arms around my stomach and your cheek on my back. You felt cool and warm all at once. It was a little awkward as I took down a glass from the cabinet.
You never asked if it was ok, never once apologized for holding me all morning. I never wanted you to.
“I get attached easily”
“I know. Me too”
I had never seen you laugh so hard. All Joel could do is roll his eyes. Somehow, even though you were just a trick to him, I think he’s secretly jealous of us.
“Ha-ha-ha. Real original. Ok guys, come on. I wanna go on the tilt-a-whirl”
The fair attendant helped us down from the Velcro-jump and out of our suits. The fair had been my idea. We passed the animal cages full of chickens, rabbits, pigs and ducks all waiting to be judged for their prizes.
“They deserve better. You know…”
I nodded as you went on, telling Joel and I about the damage done to animals that are forced to live in cages. You talked about the plight of chickens and inbreeding and psychological effects that I don’t exactly understand. By the time you started talking about genetics and giving rabbits steroids, you were pretty worked up.
“Well…how about we buy one?”
“What?” I had stopped you mid-sentence and you seemed startled.
“See? Some of them are for sale. We can buy the one that loses so it doesn’t end up dinner”
“We can’t help fund them! That only gives money to the wrong people. It‘s missing the point!”
I felt stupid all of the sudden, like when I was a kid and the teacher called on me when I hadn’t done my homework. I shuffled my feet a little and looked at the ground for a minute.
“But...we’d save one. Isn’t it worth one?” It sounded pathetic so I shrugged a little.
Joel had fallen silent but come right up beside me, hands balled up into fists.
You just looked at me with those beautiful eyes.
“Or… We could go to the ring-toss?” I was trying to recover. You were standing so close to me that I could feel your breath on my face.
Suddenly your arms were around me, “You’re right. I guess…from a small farmer. One of the losers who would end up cooked later…” You kissed my softly, chastely, “I guess I was just looking at the big picture. Buying one can help. Just not… not from the big farmers”
I nodded and smiled a little, feeling much better. Joel backed off, but glared at you most of the rest of the afternoon.
We purchased a gray rabbit and named it Pieria.
We stopped walking so you could light your cigarette. I didn’t tell you that it was bad for you, you knew already.
“One vice at a time”
“I didn’t say anything”
“You thought it”
I smiled. “You might know me too well”
The lighter dropped back into your pocket and your hand found mine again, “Maybe” And you gave me your cocky smile and I couldn’t help but laugh a little.
“Come here” You took a drag and pulled me close, pressing your lips against mine. I knew what was happening, but played the fool anyway. Sometimes it’s more fun that way. I kissed you chastely, closed-mouthed with a smack-sound at the end.
“Loser” The syllables were formed in smoke as you spoke.
“Why?”
“You know why”
“Do I?” I was trying to be witty and failing miserably.
“Yes. You know me. You know what I want”
“Maybe I know you too well?”
“Nah, just well enough. So now you can’t learn anything new about me”
“But something’s new about you all the time” I meant it.
You blushed and turned to me for another kiss. I opened my mouth this time when you did and we slowly breathed together.
The too-warm breeze tickled the hair on the back of my neck and bent the tall grass around us. But we didn’t really notice it. I inhaled as you exhaled, we were pressed so close, nose-to-nose close, and my lips barely touched yours. Then I exhaled as you inhaled. The smoke made me a little dizzy, it always does, but you love it.
“Thankyou” You said it slowly, one hand on my waist the other flicking ash from the cigarette to the dirt road.
“You’re welcome. I love you”
“I love you too”
“I love you too much” You were smoking in the apartment with a bottle of whisky between your knees.
“I love you too…” But even as I said it I knew something was wrong.
“I love you too much to stay. I’m leaving tomorrow”
I stared at you for a minute, “You’re just drunk…”
“No. No, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I’ll be gone by the time the sun rises”
You started to talk about regret and about pain. You used words I’d never heard before, but they hurt anyway.
“So, you see, I have to leave. I have no other choice”
“I… I don’t understand”
Your eyes got narrow, and I’ll never forget the way you said it to me, low and soft, “You never fucking understand”
It felt like I had been slapped. I turned around slowly and left the room. I walked to the bedroom and packed up enough clothes to last a week without doing laundry. I never said a word when I left. You were passed out on the sofa hugging the bottle.
I went to stay with Joel. A week later, you knocked on my door.
“I’m sorry. Josh, Josh I’m so sorry. I… I didn’t mean what I said. Come home? Please come home?”
You’ve never sounded so unsure of yourself. “I… I-”
“I wanna be sober. I don’t want to ever hurt you like that again. I just can’t do this alone”
How could I say no? I’ve never been able to deny you anything.
You dropped your cigarette after only a few puffs and let it burn out in the dirt. We stood there close, very close, for a long time. It was one of our special things.
“You give me peace, you know that?”
“I’m glad. You need peace and quiet”
“You’re my quiet space”
I touched your face and for some reason it made you smile, “You’re my heart”. I remember being surprised because my voice sounded so choked.
“I love you”
You rubbed my sides over my tee-shirt and kissed me. I held you close by the small of your back and rubbed slow circles against your skin there.
“Are you sure about this?”
“I’m sure about us”
You smiled, kissed me again, and took my hand. I could tell you were nervous because you held tight as we headed back toward your parents house.
“My parents want to meet you”
“What?”
“My parents, they want to meet you. I told them that you were the reason I got sober”
You said it so nonchalantly, the same way you would have asked me to pick up more orange juice at the grocery store, “That was like, two years ago. Did you just tell them now?”
“I didn’t exactly tell them. They just sort of realized that I didn’t drink the last time I went to visit. Last time they called, they asked about it”
“Ok. …um, Do you want me to meet them?”
You kept slicing carrots as if you hadn’t heard me.
“Conor? Do you want me to meet them? It’s ok if you don’t…”
You paused and tapped the knife lightly on the cutting board several times, “Yeah… Yeah I do”
“Do they know that you date guys?”
“Sort of”, you went back to cutting.
“So… how will you introduce me?” I picked up some uncut carrots and started cleaning them for you.
“I’ll tell them… I’ll tell them that you’re my Josh”
“My Josh! My Josh! Ohoh oh God… oh god…”
You were under me, mewling soft and close, so close. We were on our bed, on the sheets with the little strawberries on them that you love so much. It wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time that it was love, not sex.
“I love you I love you.. Oh god…ohgod…”
You pressed your face against my neck and your body against mine. I pulled your hips up tight against me and pushed forward again.
“My-Josh. My- Josh!-. I love you!”
I remember worrying that you were dying, that you couldn’t breathe. I pushed your hair out of your eyes and held your face so I could see you proper. Your eyes were so wide and you just mewled again, “Don’t stop, Josh…my Josh…”
“My…My Conor. My beautiful Conor”
That was all it took. You let go of yourself and just hung on to me, whispered my name to me and called me your own.
It was the first time I felt like I belonged to anybody. I knew I’d never want to belong to anybody else.
The steps creaked under our feet.
“The wood on the railing’s smooth from bing used for so long. It’s polished by people’s hands. This is the house my grandfather grew up in”
“Lotta memories?”
“Yeah”
I stole a kiss on the porch just before we walked into your house. I was glad to get out of the heat.
There were pictures of you and your family hung on the walls and sitting on the tables. Slowly, we made our way around to the back of the home, into the kitchen. Your mom was cooking. Your dad picked at a guitar at the table.
“Mom? Dad?”
They looked up and smiled. You have your mother’s eyes.
“This is my Josh”
Rated-R
Pairing-Josh Madden/Conor Oberst
Summary-Josh looks back and recalls many many connected memories from their relationship.
A/N- When I wrote this Josh, I had only seen one very very sweet looking picture of him. After seeing many other photos, I doubt I would have written this just this way. However, my NorthStar convinced me to post this anyway.
When we walked down that empty road, I wondered what you were thinking. I always wonder what you’re thinking. I don’t like to ask though. Asking has a way of ruining it. Your face becomes sour and you grunt at me a little bit. Once you start talking, your voice is so bitter, so angry. I sometimes wonder if you’re always angry inside.
But I know better than that. I think it’s that you don’t know how to make it all stop, even for a little while. You’re always looking for the next escape.
“I found it in your eyes”
I smiled, shy, “Found what in my eyes?”
“Quiet”
I was silent for a moment, not realizing that it wasn’t a command, but an answer.
You smiled and kissed my cheek, “You’re not really my type, you know”
I ducked my head and blushed a little. Momma always said that I had blue-collar good looks. Not the kind that guys like you go for.
“But I can’t ever get you outta my head”
I smiled a little and shrugged, not sure how to respond. It wasn’t a question or something I could thank you for. You say things like that a lot. Once you told me that not everything really needs an answer.
“And I don’t think I really want to” You kissed me again, the forehead this time, “I like having you here”. You tapped your temple and I blushed harder.
You say the nicest things when you’re not thinking about it. I pulled you close and kissed you in that hallway. “It’s good, cause with you is the only place I wanna be”.
And you still are. You bowed your head down and we kept wandering along that empty stretch of road. It was hot, but it didn’t seem to bother you. Your cheeks were red from the sun, like a too-ripe peach. In a strange way, it was good to see you flush like that rather than with too much wine or sex.
Not that I don’t love your just-after-sex blush.
I remember the first time that I saw it. I was spending the week with Joel and Benji in their NewYork apartment. It was a Wednesday in August about five years ago. You came out of Joel’s room in his boxers and undershirt, still a little out of breath. I couldn’t stop looking at your lips. You couldn’t stop looking at the floor. I didn’t see your eyes until I handed you a glass of orange juice and you finally looked up.
I’d never fallen so hard.
I asked Joel if you were dating.
“Naw. He’s just a trick, ya know?”
He was rebounding from Sean then. I think he still is. “So…he’s nothing special or anything?”
Joel gave me his signature crooked smile, “Why?”
I shrugged and smiled back at him, “No reason!”
“Josh… Just, know that he runs through guys, ok? He’s a nice guy, but nothing more than a trick, ok?”
“Yeah…yeah” I nodded and shrugged half-heartedly. I didn’t want to hold you for just one night. I wanted to stare into your eyes for hours. I wanted to hold you already.
There was a dandelion on the side of the road, all fluffy and white, tall above the brown grass. You crouched down and stared at it for what seemed like a long while. It was probably only a couple of minutes.
“It’s so beautiful” I almost didn’t hear it you said it so quietly.
I came up beside you, still standing, and ran my fingers through the soft hair above the nape of your neck. You leaned your head against my thigh and didn’t take your eyes off of the dandelion.
“We called them ‘wishers’ when I was a kid”
“We always called them fairies”
I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. “You should make a wish on the fairies”
You shut your eyes for a moment, then blew the fairies everywhere. They got caught up in the wind, seemed to hang still for a moment, then came back toward us.
“What did you wish for?”
You were quiet for a moment, “I’ll tell you when it comes true”.
You were so sure that it would come true, that I believed you without thinking. I always believe you because you have this funny way of always being right.
“She’s going to screw up your dinner” You pointed at me with the piece of bread.
“I just got the alfredo. How do you screw up alfredo?”
You raised your eyebrow at me, “Just watch”
And I did. I watched your delicate hands rip the bread to bite-sized pieces before finally moving on to the paper from your straw. The waitress came back and handed me chicken pot-pie.
You were right as always and I told you as much.
“I know”
You never did eat that bread.
“God, you know? Those people, those pathetic people…” You were drunk and slurring your words badly.
I just shook my head and tried to take the bottle of JackDaniels from you, “No… no I don’t know”
“They jus’ can’t…can’t see what’s good for them. Dem-Democracy here, with Americans doesn’t work. They-they believe all the lies and the bullshit” You took the bottle back and came up very close to my face. Your eyes were huge, bloodshot from not enough sleep.
“He’s spun” The boy was on the other side of the room, cutting up white crystals with a razor and pushing the powder into thin lines over and over.
“Yeah.” It was all I could manage. You looked so wrung out.
You had scooted up close to me and put your head against my neck and chest, muttering, “They’re gunna reelect him”
And I’ve never heard you so sad, “Why don’t you come home with me?”.
“They don’t understand. He just waves his hand and gets what he wants. And…and the debate?” You made a sound like a cat choking on a hairball, “That was smoke and mirrors. Smoke and mirrors! We gotta keep him out of office. You an’ me…”
“After you sleep a little, I promise”
“So many promises…”
In the end, you slept, he won, and you went binge-drinking for a 6 days.
You finally stood and put your arm around me. Even then, you were so thin. We held on loosely despite the heat. The naked dandelion head waved in the breeze as we walked on. The sun reflected off the tin roof a silo in the distance and made it seem like there were two suns in the sky that day.
“No wonder it’s so hot”
“City boy.” And you smiled that smile so rare. It’s the one that leaves me breathless every time. My feet slowed.
“You know, it’ll be dark by the time we get back to your house”
You cocked your head to one side, “That’s ok. Right now, we have all the time in the world”
“You make me want to stay here forever”
You shrugged and looked down, “It’s not that great”
“It’s not the place, it’s what it does to you”
“What’s it do to me?”
“Gives you room”
“That’s not the space…”
You blushed a bit, so I had to ask, “What is it?”
“You.”
We had hung out a few times in a crowd. There were always lots of people around you, but you still always looked lonely. I never understood it exactly so one night I asked you about it. You answered me with pretty words and complex sentences. I followed some of it, but after a few minutes, I had no idea what you were talking about.
“…relationships, friendships are transient…”
I swallowed and nodded a little. If I could just fool you into thinking that I knew what you were talking about maybe you would believe that I understood. I believed that somehow I did understand.
You took another drag on your cigarette then stubbed it out without ever looking away from me, “They don’t really want to be my friends but they want people to think they’re my friends”
“Oh god that must be awful. Why would you let them do that to you?” I said it without thinking, without realizing what I was really saying.
And you just almost-smiled at me, “I want to go to Chuck’s. I don’t want to go alone”
You stared at me as if I was supposed to do something, “Do you want me to get Mike?”
“Nah”
“Joel?”
“No.”
“Lisa? Jen?”
“No and No”
“Then…who?”
“You”
Your arm dropped off from around me and we held hands loosely, just by our fingers really. I remember being surprised that your hands could be cold when it was so hot. My shirt stuck to my body and you stared at my sneakers. I only owned one pair, so the same ones I wore in the city, I wore out there. You pulled a pack of cigarettes from your pocket with your free hand and a cigarette from the pack with your teeth. You had a way of never letting go of me until you had to.
“Don’t go”
It wasn’t soft or quiet, but it was filled with such pleading that it startled me, “I’m just getting a glass of water…”
“Oh.” You blushed and pushed back into the covers of my bed. The night before was our first together.
As I got up to go to the kitchen, you did too. Your hands never really left my body. When we got to the kitchen I stood in front of the sink and you had your arms around my stomach and your cheek on my back. You felt cool and warm all at once. It was a little awkward as I took down a glass from the cabinet.
You never asked if it was ok, never once apologized for holding me all morning. I never wanted you to.
“I get attached easily”
“I know. Me too”
I had never seen you laugh so hard. All Joel could do is roll his eyes. Somehow, even though you were just a trick to him, I think he’s secretly jealous of us.
“Ha-ha-ha. Real original. Ok guys, come on. I wanna go on the tilt-a-whirl”
The fair attendant helped us down from the Velcro-jump and out of our suits. The fair had been my idea. We passed the animal cages full of chickens, rabbits, pigs and ducks all waiting to be judged for their prizes.
“They deserve better. You know…”
I nodded as you went on, telling Joel and I about the damage done to animals that are forced to live in cages. You talked about the plight of chickens and inbreeding and psychological effects that I don’t exactly understand. By the time you started talking about genetics and giving rabbits steroids, you were pretty worked up.
“Well…how about we buy one?”
“What?” I had stopped you mid-sentence and you seemed startled.
“See? Some of them are for sale. We can buy the one that loses so it doesn’t end up dinner”
“We can’t help fund them! That only gives money to the wrong people. It‘s missing the point!”
I felt stupid all of the sudden, like when I was a kid and the teacher called on me when I hadn’t done my homework. I shuffled my feet a little and looked at the ground for a minute.
“But...we’d save one. Isn’t it worth one?” It sounded pathetic so I shrugged a little.
Joel had fallen silent but come right up beside me, hands balled up into fists.
You just looked at me with those beautiful eyes.
“Or… We could go to the ring-toss?” I was trying to recover. You were standing so close to me that I could feel your breath on my face.
Suddenly your arms were around me, “You’re right. I guess…from a small farmer. One of the losers who would end up cooked later…” You kissed my softly, chastely, “I guess I was just looking at the big picture. Buying one can help. Just not… not from the big farmers”
I nodded and smiled a little, feeling much better. Joel backed off, but glared at you most of the rest of the afternoon.
We purchased a gray rabbit and named it Pieria.
We stopped walking so you could light your cigarette. I didn’t tell you that it was bad for you, you knew already.
“One vice at a time”
“I didn’t say anything”
“You thought it”
I smiled. “You might know me too well”
The lighter dropped back into your pocket and your hand found mine again, “Maybe” And you gave me your cocky smile and I couldn’t help but laugh a little.
“Come here” You took a drag and pulled me close, pressing your lips against mine. I knew what was happening, but played the fool anyway. Sometimes it’s more fun that way. I kissed you chastely, closed-mouthed with a smack-sound at the end.
“Loser” The syllables were formed in smoke as you spoke.
“Why?”
“You know why”
“Do I?” I was trying to be witty and failing miserably.
“Yes. You know me. You know what I want”
“Maybe I know you too well?”
“Nah, just well enough. So now you can’t learn anything new about me”
“But something’s new about you all the time” I meant it.
You blushed and turned to me for another kiss. I opened my mouth this time when you did and we slowly breathed together.
The too-warm breeze tickled the hair on the back of my neck and bent the tall grass around us. But we didn’t really notice it. I inhaled as you exhaled, we were pressed so close, nose-to-nose close, and my lips barely touched yours. Then I exhaled as you inhaled. The smoke made me a little dizzy, it always does, but you love it.
“Thankyou” You said it slowly, one hand on my waist the other flicking ash from the cigarette to the dirt road.
“You’re welcome. I love you”
“I love you too”
“I love you too much” You were smoking in the apartment with a bottle of whisky between your knees.
“I love you too…” But even as I said it I knew something was wrong.
“I love you too much to stay. I’m leaving tomorrow”
I stared at you for a minute, “You’re just drunk…”
“No. No, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I’ll be gone by the time the sun rises”
You started to talk about regret and about pain. You used words I’d never heard before, but they hurt anyway.
“So, you see, I have to leave. I have no other choice”
“I… I don’t understand”
Your eyes got narrow, and I’ll never forget the way you said it to me, low and soft, “You never fucking understand”
It felt like I had been slapped. I turned around slowly and left the room. I walked to the bedroom and packed up enough clothes to last a week without doing laundry. I never said a word when I left. You were passed out on the sofa hugging the bottle.
I went to stay with Joel. A week later, you knocked on my door.
“I’m sorry. Josh, Josh I’m so sorry. I… I didn’t mean what I said. Come home? Please come home?”
You’ve never sounded so unsure of yourself. “I… I-”
“I wanna be sober. I don’t want to ever hurt you like that again. I just can’t do this alone”
How could I say no? I’ve never been able to deny you anything.
You dropped your cigarette after only a few puffs and let it burn out in the dirt. We stood there close, very close, for a long time. It was one of our special things.
“You give me peace, you know that?”
“I’m glad. You need peace and quiet”
“You’re my quiet space”
I touched your face and for some reason it made you smile, “You’re my heart”. I remember being surprised because my voice sounded so choked.
“I love you”
You rubbed my sides over my tee-shirt and kissed me. I held you close by the small of your back and rubbed slow circles against your skin there.
“Are you sure about this?”
“I’m sure about us”
You smiled, kissed me again, and took my hand. I could tell you were nervous because you held tight as we headed back toward your parents house.
“My parents want to meet you”
“What?”
“My parents, they want to meet you. I told them that you were the reason I got sober”
You said it so nonchalantly, the same way you would have asked me to pick up more orange juice at the grocery store, “That was like, two years ago. Did you just tell them now?”
“I didn’t exactly tell them. They just sort of realized that I didn’t drink the last time I went to visit. Last time they called, they asked about it”
“Ok. …um, Do you want me to meet them?”
You kept slicing carrots as if you hadn’t heard me.
“Conor? Do you want me to meet them? It’s ok if you don’t…”
You paused and tapped the knife lightly on the cutting board several times, “Yeah… Yeah I do”
“Do they know that you date guys?”
“Sort of”, you went back to cutting.
“So… how will you introduce me?” I picked up some uncut carrots and started cleaning them for you.
“I’ll tell them… I’ll tell them that you’re my Josh”
“My Josh! My Josh! Ohoh oh God… oh god…”
You were under me, mewling soft and close, so close. We were on our bed, on the sheets with the little strawberries on them that you love so much. It wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time that it was love, not sex.
“I love you I love you.. Oh god…ohgod…”
You pressed your face against my neck and your body against mine. I pulled your hips up tight against me and pushed forward again.
“My-Josh. My- Josh!-. I love you!”
I remember worrying that you were dying, that you couldn’t breathe. I pushed your hair out of your eyes and held your face so I could see you proper. Your eyes were so wide and you just mewled again, “Don’t stop, Josh…my Josh…”
“My…My Conor. My beautiful Conor”
That was all it took. You let go of yourself and just hung on to me, whispered my name to me and called me your own.
It was the first time I felt like I belonged to anybody. I knew I’d never want to belong to anybody else.
The steps creaked under our feet.
“The wood on the railing’s smooth from bing used for so long. It’s polished by people’s hands. This is the house my grandfather grew up in”
“Lotta memories?”
“Yeah”
I stole a kiss on the porch just before we walked into your house. I was glad to get out of the heat.
There were pictures of you and your family hung on the walls and sitting on the tables. Slowly, we made our way around to the back of the home, into the kitchen. Your mom was cooking. Your dad picked at a guitar at the table.
“Mom? Dad?”
They looked up and smiled. You have your mother’s eyes.
“This is my Josh”