This is not just any other day
Today I turned 26.
This is ridiculous to me for a number of reasons. I don't feel 26. I don't feel a day over 20, to be honest. Usually when you hear someone say they are 26, they have already accomplished big things in their life, they may be settled, the may have husbands and/or children, a job etc.
So many 26-year-olds have gotten so far in life already.
But me? I'm starting to have a vague idea of what I want to do the next few years. Not my entire life. But the next few years. I have a vague idea of where I want to live. Who I want to associate with. I still have never had a boyfriend or partner of any sorts. I still struggle with self-doubt, but less so since I started this internship. I love the people here and I wish I could stay with them like this forever. I still don't know if I ever want to get married or if I think I ever will. I have barely ever even met anyone I wanted to date properly. I'm still not sure I even want kids. And if I do - when?
I still want to make my parents proud and I still want them to praise me. I still feel like I'm 14 with them sometimes - but not because they make me feel that way but because I still want to be treated like someone young, someone who gets to depend on them. I shouldn't anymore, yet I still do. Which makes me feel safe and gives me very bad anxiety at the same time.
I want to be on my own and yet I also want them to make me feel like their special girl. I'm 26. I shouldn't feel like that anymore. I shoud be leading my own life and not still hoping for their approval every step of the way.
I still feel like my rebellious phase is in front of me, in my future, and not behind me. I still want to die my hair pink, get a shit-ton of tattoos and pierce my nose. I still want to fuck around even though I have issues with my body.
I just ... I don't feel like my age AT ALL. And I wonder when that will finally happen. When will I finally look at myself and go "Yeah, you are a fullblown adult and you are now closer to 30 than to 20."
I wonder.
All in all, however, to make this clear: my birthday was GRANT! It was a quiet, beautiful day and I think my attitude had a lot to do with that. I wanted to be happy on this day and so I was. Everybody congratulated me, everybody sent their wishes, I got small presents and had great time drinking out with some friends. I felt loved. I felt welcome. I'm 26. Heavens, I'm 26.