*Stabs self through heart*

[kohryu]

I Hate myself I really do... WTF is wrong with me >_<*#*#*#* After Shawn my heart was shreaded as though by scalpel into infinite atomic sized peices, I took what little I found leftover and Locked it away from everyone except my dearest friends. Yet one Handsome guy comes along and All the locks, chains, and barbed wire just fell away... Away into Nievity! The same place that my heart got hurt in what seems like soo long ago... Is that what learning to love again means!? Throwing out security to open your heart!? I am so stupid The little voice was there screaming with all its might trying to get me to realize I was leading myself on with the enjoyment of closeness and attention soo longed for... Straining its voice just to be drown out by the beating of a heart once again pumping fresh blood ready to love and be loved or just to be cared about in the indescribable way... after vowing to protect my heart from such mallicous pain again am I so easily lead astray? Odds are that he doesnt feel the way I do... That he isn't "That" way... I could rip my hair out trying to remember the past two weeks in which I have fallen so deep into what seems now to be one pathetic boys infatuation... infatuation for his deep eyes and calming voice and warmth... All just a Blur.... Yet he is probably clueless, as apparently so was I... Giddy as a School Girl, Floating on cloud 9, 2 Breaths become one in my soul... Just to be thrown back down into the endless darkness in which such pain and apathy grow, once again forcing myself numb to the most amazing emotions this world has to offer... What now? Should I risk it all, All that I have worked so hard for, sweated for, Blead for... Push forward and inch toward the truth or abandon it all and return to my safe-guarded castle walls... Is this the ultimate question one has to ask thy self? Can I handle a year of aqward glances/glares and encounters in the halls? All for the chance of what could be a new and beautiful chapter in my life. Do I really have more worth than I give myself credit for? Are people really good enough in heart to see the worth which may or may not be there?

What Should I do pondered the confused and vulnerable young man in his sanctuary of peace and security...

What should I do....