More. xD
Today was costume day at my school. When one of the most annoying girls in the school walked in dressed as a prostitute, my teacher looked at her and said with a straight face "where's your costume". New favorite teacher? I think so. MLIA
Today, while my 4 year old nephew was staying with me, he ventured into the bathroom and sat down on the edge of the tub to watch me put on my make up. After watching a while he asked, "What is that stuff?" I told him it was my make up. He watched a while longer then asked, "Why do you put it on your face?" I told it makes me look beautiful. To which he replied, "Oh, well you'd better tell my mom about that stuff!" MLIA
Today, I realized that the Clapper does not only respond to clapping, it also responds to any exceptionally loud noise. It may be a bit noisy around here, now, but lights come on when I scream 'Lumos!' and that's all that matters. MLIA
Today I had to do an essay for my english class. Instead I played typing maniac on facebook. My mom walked by and heard me typing really fast and congratulated me on working so hard on my essay by going out for ice cream that night. I never actually finished my essay. MLIA.
Today, my new boss introduced "the grandma rule." We aren't allowed to say or do anything we wouldn't do infront of our grandmothers. My grandma is deaf, blind in one eye, and constantly drunk. I win. MLIA
Today, I was in the a bathroom stall at school, I realized there wasn't any toilet paper left. I then successfully reached under the stall wall to grab paper from the stall next to me. After this, I realized there was someone in that stall. MLIA
Today I texted my friend asking "WHEN I TYPE LIKE THIS DOES THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD YELL?" She said yes. MLIA
Last week I lost my geometry textbook,, so today my "new" one came in the mail, but this one was used. When I opened it, I received a letter, a 10 dollar itunes gift certificate, and five sheets of pokemon stickers. Thank you textbook god. MLIA
Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide note. MLIA
I was student teaching at a kindegarten class today, and we went outside to observe nature for science. While digging around in the school's garden, we found a worm. I asked why they thought the worms lived in the dirt. On of the kids piped up, "They need the dirt for privacy, because they're naked all the time." It makes so much sense...MLIA
Today, I took a Hershey's bar from my brother's room. Inside there was a post-it note that said, "I will find you out if you eat this!" I ate it. I am not so much concerned about the death threat however, because I am too baffled over how in the world he got a post-it note inside of a wrapped Hershey bar. And if I ask him about it, he will know I stole it. Clever.
Today, my phone rang in school. Before the teacher could take it away, the whole room started singing along to the ringtone. I don't know whats funnier, the fact that they all know the words to "Lovestory", or that I go to an all boys school. MLIA
A few days ago, my street sign had been taken out of the ground and stolen. I hung a flyer on an electrical post that read "If you took our street sign, we'd like it back. I mean, you're a great prankster, but nobody knows where I live now." Today, my sign had been returned with a note that read "Here. I have nowhere to put it anyway." Thank you, stranger. MLIA
Today, I found out that it is illegal to molest a butterfly in California.. I'm a little worried on how that even became a law. MLIA.
Today, I was buying props for the theatre I work for that is doing the show Dracula. I needed to buy 50 cloves of garlic. While waiting in line, the lady behind me asked what the garlic was for. I looked at her in all seriousness and said "the vampires are coming". She left, and came back to the line with some garlic. MLIA.
Today I was reading MLIAs while in class. I got to a particularly funny one and started laughing. Right before I laughed, my teacher told a really bad joke. I got a lollipop for being the only person who understood her humor. MLIA
Today, my Psych class was discussing the intentions behind good and evil. I was completely silent, until the professor called on me for my opinion. I said, "We've got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are." I now have an A+ for quoting Sirius Black. MLIA
Today, I was talking to my friend in the hallway and didn't realize I was late for French class. I saw that there was a substitute so I curled up into a ball and rolled in through the back door. I quickly jumped into a seat and pretended I had been there the whole time. He stared straight at me and said, "It seems we are in the presence of a ninja." Favorite sub ever! MLIA
Today, I was talking with the football player who sits next to me in English about our school team's recent Homecoming win. During the conversation, I asked him if it was true that the team players took ballet classes to improve their footwork. Completely unabashed, he said yes and then proceeded to show me his lovely tours en l'air. I adore my football team. MLIA.
Yesterday, I lost my wallet at school. Today, as I arrived at my locker, I found my wallet stuck to it with duct tape and nothing was missing from it but two sticks of gum. The person left a note reading 'Found this, and I thought the gum was a good reward.' MLIA
Today, my brother had a Sex Ed class, and he had to watch a video of a woman giving birth. When he got home he came into the kitchen and told my mom, "I am SO sorry." and walked away, still looking frightened. MLIA
Today, I took a test in History. When the teacher was out of the room, a girl quickly turned around and asked me who wrote the Declaration of Independence. I answered Obi-Wan-Kenobi. She wrote it down. MLIA.
Today, my roommate called me while I was walking back from class. She sounded very concerned and I asked her what was wrong. She told me our pet rock, Fluffy, was sick and threw up. When I got back to the room there were tiny pebbles laying next to his mouth. I love my roommate. MLIA
Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant with my family. My brother and I had the same fortune in our fortune cookies that said, "No one can be exactly like you." We're identical twins. MLIA
Today, I read about putting toilet paper in the fridge on MLIA. I decided to do it to confuse my roommate only to find that he already put a roll in the fridge. MLIA
Today, I realized that my boyfriend's last name is Slaugh. My name is Colette, but everybody calls me Cole. Someday, I very well may be Mrs. Cole Slaugh. I've never wanted my boyfriend to propose more than I do now. MLIA.
Today, one of my friends found out that my sister and I are actually twins, He excitedly asked "When did this happen?!" I told him two weeks ago. He nodded like this was an acceptable answer. MLIA
Today I went to the bathroom at school, and when I opened the stall door, I found no toilet in the stall. Confused, I closed the door and saw a note on it that read, "Chamber of Secrets attempt #1". I have a newfound respect for my school. MLIA.
Today, I was at Giant shopping for groceries. As I was walking down the cereal aisle, a box of Lucky Charms dropped down on my head. I looked around to find out where it came from when I spotted a kid hiding inside the shelf. He put a finger to his lips and I nodded and kept walking. MLIA.
Today, I found out that my school's varsity football coach gives the players bags of cookies when they win. Our sudden winning streak this year suddenly makes so much sense. MLIA.
Today, after taking my laundry out of the dryer, I found only half of a bra. I still don't know where the other half is. MLIA.
Today, I saw a guy dressed like Waldo on my college campus. Trying to be funny, I walked up to him and said, "I found you!" He slipped me a dollar and said I didn't see anything. Well played Waldo. MLIA
Today, I was on the Buzz Lightyear ride in Magic Kingdom in Disneyland with my dad. There were technical difficulties with the ride, and they stopped the ride while we were on it. My dad continuously shot at the target with the highest points while we were stopped. He now holds the number 1 high score, 9,999,999,999. MLIA
Today, my 7 year old niece came over to show me her Halloween costume. She was dressed in a bee costume with a ghost costume on top of it. I asked her what she was supposed to be. Her response? " A boo-bee!" That kid will do great things. MLIA
Today, in class a boy's phone rang, and the teacher had to take it because of school rules. We've been learning about the Parlimentary procedure, and when ever we want to do something we have to stand, make it a motion and vote on it. As soon as our teacher took it, the guy stood up and said "I move that I get my phone back because I just got it last night and I didn't know how to put it on silent." 3 people seconded his motion, and everyone was in favor. Our teacher had to give him back his phone because of her own stupid rules. MLIA
I was watching an MTV show on the worst highschool mascots. I was laughing histarically on how lame and stupid some of them were. I was almost crying at number three when the second worst came on. It was my school. Way to go bubblers. One above the fighting asparagus. MLIA
Today, I was walking past my college's food court when I saw a wallet on the ground. I picked it up and was going to take it to the nearby lost-and-found. Curious, I took a peak inside. There was a note that said "Congratulations on finding this wallet! The King says to keep it." Inside the various pockets were BurgerKing coupons and a $20 bill with a sticker of the King's head over Washington's. MLIA
A couple of weeks ago, my professor asked my class to create test questions to use on her exam. Today I took that exam and was delighted to see my question was chosen and worth six points (a lot for that test). My delight didn't last very long because I couldn't remember what my answer was. MLIA.
Yesterday, at the party store I work at that sells Halloween stuff, a little girl came up to me and just smiled. I asked her what she was going to be for Halloween. She said a bitch. Her mom ran up to me and said, "No no no no! She's going to be a witch. She's just 2. She'll be a bitch when she's about 14." I love my job! MLIA.
Today, my brother moved into a new apartment. He needed help carrying his mattress into his room so he asked the girl who lives across the hall to help him. Once they got his mattress into his bedroom, the girl said "I feel really comfortable around you because a rapist wouldn't have a mattress like this." Instead of saying nothing, my brother replied "You'd be surprised." I love my brother. MLIA
I live in Kansas and drive a Mini Cooper. Today, as I was pulling onto the highway, two Minis went past. I caught up and dropped in behind. Another Mini pulled up beside me and I hung back to let him in. Then a 5th pulled in behind me. I drove 4 exits past my house just to stay in the Mini parade. MLIA.
Today I was in Spanish class talking with my friend. Sitting behind me was a German exchange student who picked my class to observe because he is apparently fluent in Spanish as well as English. My conversation with my friend turned perverse, as it always does, and I told him that he was a slut. "At least I get paid for it" he replied. Out of nowhere, the German student said (in a thick accent), "Your mother get's paid for it." I'm glad to know that your mom jokes are universal. MLIA.
Today I sent the text "plan b, find a time machine, find and kill your own brontosaurus and make a suit from his skin" to my boyfriend on accident instead of my friend who is the next one down on my contact list. Instead of responding back with a confused question mark, he sent me "count me in. Give me five minutes." I think I found the right one. MLIA.
Today, in Human Biology, we were working with a purple chemical. Our teacher announced that if we get it on our skin, it will turn brown. The only black kid in my class looks down at this hand and says, "too late" MLIA
Today my friend and I were the last two people on our bus. After she got off, my bus driver didn't see that I was still on and assumed no one was left. He then changed radio stations, and when he found a Taylor Swift song he turned the volume all the way up and started rocking out. My bus driver then saw that I was still on, turned off the radio, and drove me to my stop in complete silence. I have never seen anyone turn such a bright shade of red in my life. MLIA
Today in lecture hall, a guy in the middle of the room asked the class if anyone knew the name of the rabbit from Winnie-the-Pooh. The class fell silent for a minute, until finally someone said "I think it was Rabbit." The rest of us felt stupid. MLIA
Today, I went to the doctor to check if I had the flu. After waiting a while the doctor finally comes in. He stares at my mom and goes, "Mrs. Henry, tests are positive, your daughter's pregnant." My mom jumped off her chair in shock and there was a long, akward pause. The doctor finally said, "No, I'm totally kidding. She has the flu." I'm 13 and I have a new favorite doctor. MLIA
Today, I saw a man on a pink harley. I wondered to aloud to a friend of mine: "Is that a guy on a pink harley? I wonder if he's..." and then I saw a sign strapped to the back which read: "Yes it is, and no, I'm not."
Today, I received my health insurance card. I was pleased to see there was a number for me to call in the event of my death. MLIA
Last week, I was on a baseball trip in Arizona and the van I was riding in decided to make signs to see what reactions we could get out of people. One of them said, "show me your taco!" hoping to maybe offend a couple old people. Instead, while driving on the highway a man looked at us excitedly, reached into his center console and actually pulled out a taco. Best. Reaction. Ever. MLIA.
Today, on a test there was a bonus question on the last page asking "How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?" I was considering writting "the answer is blowing in the wind" but then decided to write "You have already called him a man therefore he doesn't need to walk down any roads". I was the only one in class to get the bonus points. MLIA
Today I was swimming and saw a scar on my ribs so I called my mum to ask her if she knew anything about it. Apparently, I was attacked by a giant sheep when I was four. Why my parents felt the need to keep this from me I do not know. MLIA
Today, we had a fire drill in my dorm. When we got outside, we all heard "We Didn't Start The Fire" blasting from a second story room. It made my whole night. MLIA.
Yesterday at school a guy asked me out and I turned him down saying I would only go out with Darth Vader. I was about to say I was joking but he turned and walked away with out a word. Today as I left my first period classroom there was the guy in full Darth Vader costume and two light sabers. He handed one to me saying in a deep voice 'Will you go out with me?' Actually, I think I'll marry him. MLIA
Today I was being driven home from a school concert by my mother when I realised we were going completely the wrong way. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "The car in front of us is playing The Lion King on the screens on the back of their seats and I have to see the end." I love her. MLIA
The other day I was on my way home as I walked by a field. There were lots of sheep there, so I just went "meeeeh" in a sheep-like way. Then, all of a sudden, all the sheep came running down the hill, stops right in front of me and just stares. Now I'm extremely curious about what I told them. MLIA.
Today, I received a resume from a 14-year-old kid wanting a job, since I manage a cafe. in the personal details he wrote stuff like his name, but next to Sex he wrote: no thanks (my innocence!). He has an interveiw this week. MLIA
Today, my little sister had a pool party for her birthday and my friend and I were the lifeguards. It was pretty low key until we heard a scream and saw everyone starring at the pool floor. They accidently dropped their pet rock in. I dived in and saved it. I felt like a hero. MLIA
Today was really hot. On my way home from school I was walking past a group of builders who were out the front of a house taking a break. As I was walking past, one the heavier men started taking his top off. Right at that moment my friend rang me. My ring tone is 'Hot Stuff' by Donna Summer. He started dancing. MLiA
Today, I was too lazy to do a simple math probelm in my head so I typed 58 minus 29 into my calculator. I pressed the equal sign and nothing happened, so I thought my calculator might have been messed up. To test it, I entered many different probelms and they all worked out just fine. After trying to figure out what was wrong for about 10 minutes, I realized that 58 minus 29 is 29. MLIA.
Today I was doing laundry in the middle of the night and decided to take the elevator to avoid carrying the heavy bag. I noticed that it looked like a body was in my bag and so did the girl about to get on the elevator after me. She stared in horror and said she'd catch the next one. I put my finger to my lips, shushing her as the doors closed. Her face was priceless. I'll be riding the elevator more often. MLIA
Today, while being exceptionally bored I typed in "Fo" to see what suggestions came up. One was "fo' shizzle my nizzle". Intrigued I clicked on it to find this: "fo shizzle ma nizzle" is a bastardization of "fo' sheezy mah neezy" which is a bastardization of "for sure mah nigga" which is a bastdardization of "I concur with you whole heartedly my African american brother". This made my day. MLIA
Today, I drove by a graffiti bridge and saw that someone had written, "cops can't dance." When I drove by again later that day a response had been added, "yes we can." I officially love this city. MLIA
Today I was studying for my Human Geography mid-term and decided to cheat a little bit by looking up, Human Geography, in the glossary. When I found the definition it read "see pages 1 through 458" well played textbook. MLIA
Today, my class was playing one of those cheesy get to know your classmates game. The question asked to a boy who rarely talks was "If you were an animal what kind would you be?" He without hesitation said "a unicorn". Everyone was confused until he winked and said, "Because I'm everyones fantasy". All the guys laughed. All the girls, including my teacher, were impressed. MLIA
Today, my mom told me that when I was little, when she would drop me off at my dayhome everyday I would cry uncontrollably and tell her I didn't want her to leave me. I didn't think it was much of a story until she told me that immediately after she drove away, I would stop crying and ask my babysitter if she was gone yet so I could play. Apparently, I liked it better there than at home but didn't want my mom to be sad about it. I was a three year old con artist. MLIA.
Today, I went to a grocery store that was going out of business and bought about 200 cans of food. When the 17 year old cashier asked about it I said "We are preparing for the zombie apocalypse". we got an extra 20% off. MLIA
Today I was driving with my girlfriend. She suddenly shouted "PULL OVER!". Fearing the worst, I pulled over and she immediately jumped out of the car. She ran a few feet back, grabbed a lifesized Simba stuffed animal from someone's trash,and jumped back into the car with it. I think I'm in love. MLIA.
Today, I went bra shopping. In the change room, I unbuckled my belt, took my shoes off, and had my pants down all the way to my knees, before I realized I don't need to take my pants off to try on bras. MLIA
Today I accidentally handed out a history test to my junior high class with the answer key on the back of the final page. I did not realize this until most of the tests were in, but as I had already started grading and all of the students had missed some so far, I didn't say anything. Not one student got a perfect score. MLIA
Today, me and my family were eating out after my sister had just finished play rehearsals, where she plays a prostitute. She was tired, and when the waitress asked why my mom said "She had an eight hour rehearsal today. It takes a lot of practice to be a prostitute." Without missing a beat, the waitress said "Oh, don't I know!" and winked at my dad. I may have a new favorite restaurant. MLIA.
Today my Physics teacher tied a roll of toilet paper to his belt. Apparently he was sick of us getting up for tissues. Now he walks up and down the rows while he talks so we can rip some off as he goes by. MLIA
Today, I was bored in French class and began to look around the room. I noticed a sign on the wall that said "Maximum Capacity: 38". I counted the people in the room and there were 39. I got up and left. Your welcome, fire marshall. MLIA
Today, I was reading through MLIA's that talked about your last names being given according to your job. My last name is Killpatrick. I'm sorry Patrick, for what my ancestors have done to you. MLIA
Today, in Spanish class we had to talk about chores we do around the house. I meant to say I take care of the family dog (el perro). Instead, I unknowingly said "la perra" which is slang meaning 'the slut.' I told my teacher that I feed, bathe and take the family slut for walks. She had to excuse herself from laughing so hard. MLIA
Today I wasn't feeling good so my mom took me to the doctors. Because of Swine Flu you have to wear a mask. I promptly drew a mustace on mine and petted it while I was pretend thinking. I got seven other people to do it. MLIA.
Today I was reading the local news and a breaking news story about how an elderly man escaped from a nursing home and if anyone sees this man, please report him to the police. When they showed the picture I saw it was my grandpa. Run! Grandpa Run! MLIA
This morning, I complimented my dad's new tie. He thanked me then proceeded to tell me he had gotten it in Thailand. It took him a few minutes to figure out why I was laughing so hard. MLIA.
Today in French class, we had to write questions for another person to answer in French. I wrote "Quelle heure dines-tu?" (What time do you dine?) When I got it back, the other person had written, "Je M'appelle Chuck Norris, Je ne mange pas" ( I am Chuck Norris, I do not eat.) I gave him full credit. MLIA
Today I realized that indigo isn't part of the rainbow, Pluto isn't a planet, Dora the explorer is now a teen, and the cookie monster likes veggies. How much more can they ruin childhood? MLIA
For the past week or so my friend and I have been realizing that the bell to end our school day rings 1 second later each day. We decided to bring it to the principals attention. He admitted it was a conspiracy and promised us a cookie everyday if we dont tell anyone. MLIA
Today, I saw a ticket on the windshield of a police cruiser that has been illegally parked for the past few days. It's comforting to know the police hold each other accountable. MLIA
Today we were reading Romeo and Juliet in English, and my teacher was going over a passage where Romeo compliments Juliet in a really romantic way. An annoying kid was talking really loudly and disrupting the class, so the teacher turned to him and said, "This is why Romeo gets some, and you don't." MLIA
Today, I found out that if you count my satisfactory grades in kinesiology, my midterm grades spell out "badass." Never have I been more proud of a D. MLIA
Today, in Spanish class, we had to write stories about what we would be doing in ten years. Since I was confused, my friend helped me write one, and told me that it translated to "I will be married and working in a hospital." She was lying. When we had to present the stories, I stood up and proudly told the entire class that I was planning to kill the President and flee to the mountains without any clothes on. I should feel embarrassed, but I think I have a new life goal. MLIA
Today, I went to visit my boyfriend in his dormroom. He hesitated to open the door. When he opened it, I noticed something moving under his bed. Initially I thought it was another girl he was trying to hide, but it was our friend Pete who had just seen Paranormal Activity and was afraid to sleep alone in his single dorm. MLIA.