hope is slowly being lost
so i am at home right now because i had to get my blood drawn. i am surrounded by a screaming 3 year old, 1 year old, and 9 month old. my stepmother is not of any help, and i dont know where my mother is. i cant go to a room by myself because i dont have a bedroom anymore. I am listening to an asian radio because it helps me escape. i sometimes wish that i had a normal family, but there is no normal. i just want a family that will recognize that you cant take care of 3 kids under 3 when one parent is in the hospital 2 times a week for a procedure that makes her forget how to mach simple colors, or forget when she has responded to an email.....3 different times. i feel so bad for the kids. i know they are being taken away from abusive homes but this isnt the right home for them. and on top of that they are ignoring their elder daughter and the stress she is going through. they dont see that she doesnt want to go home not for her friends but because her home life is stressful. she is also hurting at school from people ignoring her but that is a lesser hurt than her family screaming all the time. it hurts her to not want to go home. she is stressed about failing school because she has to be in the hospital a lot because of severe pain in her abdomen that is intermitten but it is enough to send her to the ER requesting Morphine to make it stop. she doesnt want to lose her funding for school because then she would have to live at home and lose her friends that she has made at college. she feels really bad because she knows that there are people in the world (and even within her friends) that have it worse than her so she doesnt want to complain. because of that she doesnt talk about her problems and keeps them hidden inside. she doesnt even tell her friends that they made (and keep making) a comment that really hurts her. it hurts her that when she tries to talk to other people they basically ignore her and push her away. it also hurts her that when she sees the people she tried to talk to around campus and in their dorm (where her other friends live) they think she is stalking them. she wants to let them know that she is not stalking them and that it is just a pure coincidence that she keeps running into them. she just wants to have more friends but apparently because of the way she acts or looks people just dont want to know her. they think that because she is silent all the time that she thinks she is better than them, while the truth is that she doesnt talk because she doesnt want people to make fun of her like they have in the past. she has been hurt by people and doesnt like for that to happen. she even lies to herself just to make herself feel better. she tells herself that soon someone will come along that will know exactly how she feels. she knows that probably will never come true but she thinks that for now its better to be lied to than to face the truth. she hates that she cant tell anyone what is going on and that she needs help. she feels like she is weak to ask for help. she knows that only the strong ask for help when they are weak but she just cant ask for help. she just wishes that she could be a different person and be able to deal with all of this like a normal person. she hates that it is so stressful and that nobody knows what she is going through because she doesnt like explaining it. it is just too long of a story for her tp explain. she wants to find someone who understands what she is going through. all she wants to do is not have to worry about education and family life. she wants to be a part of a normal family that notices when something is wrong. not just when she has to go to the hospital but also when she is sitting at home about to cry because she cant do anything to help because if she does she gets yelled at. it hurts her to see that nobody cares enough to just call or text just to say hello. or sstop to tell her that she looks good that day. she needs someone to help her boost her selfesteem. she has no self esteem and hates her body to the point that she has stopped trying to look good because everytime she does, someone points out a flaw in what she is wearing. she has never been told that she is beautiful by someone that means it. she just wants to be noticed for once. it hurts her to be ignored all the time. and she is not only ignored by the other students, she is also ignored by her friends. she hates being left alone. she likes being surrounded by other people, but she hates the feeling of being alone in a crowded room. she doesnt even know who will read this but she hopes that someone will read this and reach out to help. she really needs someone to help her. she is slowly going down the drain and she doesnt know how to get out. she hopes that someone will open their heart to her and at least try to understand what is going on in her life. she is at the point that if someone told her that she could move wherever she wanted with no cost to her except that she had to never speak to her family again she would do it without even thinking about it. she would pack and leave in that instant. its not that she hates her family but she is just done with their drama. she is done trying to pretend that everything is okay. nothing is okay anymore. she wants to be done with all of their crap and wants to live a normal life. she hates that it isnt just her parents that are atressing her out....its her grandmother, stepgrandmother, great grandmother, and all their feuds. she hates the fighting. she hates that she thinks this way too. she just hates everything about herself. she didnt used to be this way, but because of the actions of the people around her, she has become this way. she wishes she could go back into the past and change the things that made her this way. she loved who she was only a few years ago. she was happy and did not care what people thought about her. she wants to go back to her more innocent times where she didnt know that poeple can be so mean. she wishes that people would just give up hate and live in a world full of love. she wants to be happy again. she doesnt like the feeling of lonelyness and loves the feeling of being close to someone. but after certain events she doesnt think that she can be close to someone anymore. it doesnt help that her friends have found a person that is perfect for her but he lives across the world and they never get to talk because her friends decide that it would funny to forget that she wants to talk to him everytime he calls. she hates the fact that she knows all about him but he only knows her name. her friends also forget to give him her email everytime that they talk to him. and it doesnt help that she really does like him but her friends are mean and dont tell her that he was on the phone while she was talking to them. it hurts her to hear them talk about him all the time. she is done with being alone and ignored. she always makes plans to be more outgoing and make friends, however, she always chickens out at the last second. she loves her friends but she hates when they push her to do things that she is uncomfortable doing. she really wants someone to notice that she puts hearts on her wrist not because they are cute but to remind herself that someone somewhere might love her and she needs to hold on for them, to maybe be able to find them one day. that is why she always has a pen or sharpie so that she can write on her arm and it will stay.