Pissed
Had a housewarming party yesterday. Only one person showed up. So you can imagine that I'm none too happy. If anything, I'm pretty pissed about the whole thing. I got excuses galore for an event everyone knew about for well over a month. I know I'm not much of a party planner (I never create parties, barely go to any already) but I made some effort to keep people aware of the housewarming and they still plan over it.
Y'see, it pisses me off not simply because it's the first ever party I've ever made in my life but because this is a super common trend in my life - everyone feels that anything involving me isn't that important. Now, I get that I'm not popular, I don't really strive to be, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm not exactly the textbook definition of cool but this is getting ridic.
When I was a kid, it was mostly with my birthday. I'm born July 2. If you're an American, you know what holiday is close to it by two days, Independence Day. So that means the only birthday party I ever had was when I was 1. Never had another one but I got promised one tons. Year after f*cking year. "Oh, [insert bullsh*t reason here] came up, we'll do it next week/there's next year, ok?" Yep. I'm godd*mn twenty-f*cking-four years old. I pretty much stopped asking and expecting for that whereas my sister got tons of parties and people showing up for them too. Music and cake, occassionally occuring as complete surprises. I'm not much for surprises but geez, I'd like music and cake on my birthday too, I didn't know that's too hard to ask when the question is coming from me. Apparently people think that I would be pretty cool with folks just simply not doing anything for my birthday and simply move around the celebration (that would never happen anyways) as if the day I was born doesn't really matter. Not even a d*mn cupcake on my birthday. I get a present or two, even was taken to a movie but no parties and that's if people don't call out, which was pretty f*cking common because remember - I'm removable, and "I'll just understand" and simply become more convienient.
I mean, it wouldn't stop at the birthdays, try with my own successes. You know how hard it is to get my parents to come to my music performances when I was growing up? How about my drama performances? How about my poetry performances? How about when I was being featured or doing published poetry performances? Yah, try nearly none. Everyone else would have their parents there but mine? Nope. Even if I told them tons of time ahead and several times at that, what would happen? "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot", "Oh, something came up." Or the all time bullsh*ttery: "I'll be there in spirit". Do you know how much I absolutely loathe that phrase because I've heard it too. D*mn. Much? Here's what I hear when someone says that: "Oh, I don't really care and I don't want to come but I'm going to bs and make it seem like I wanted to come. I'm still not going to be there so instead I'm just going to lie and sound like I wanted to be there." It was a running joke at my performances with maintainers to ask where my mom is because she never godd*mn came. I could count on one hand how many times she showed up to performances. That's why she practically don't know me (just like the rest of my family, why try?) because she never cared. I don't care if people say "Oh she cared, just couldn't show up.", not showing up or doing something else equals not caring to me once it happens a few too many times.
Now, I just can't get people to show up to a freaking party. I already don't get asked out to events, since I guess I'm so boring or jarring to others and it seems people either call out on me or whatever. Y'see, this party first was supposed to be on Dec 7 but I didn't think my apt would be ready by then (I didn't even have a couch!), and then moved it to the 17th. Since that was super close to the holidays and didn't want people calling out on me then because of that, I figured to move it to Jan 7th. That's a long ways away for everyone to be prepared, call for time off, whatever they have to do. All seemed to being going well up until one of the local lolitas decided to have a big movie meet on the exact same day. I had an inkling (based on my own previous life experiences) that people would bail on me to go to that but I figured that maybe it would be fine. Nope. Apparently Jan 7th was the day every single d*mn person on this planet decided to do something or simply forget. Only one person came. One. Another would have came but I told them to come after the meet-up since this was the game plan of another friend of mine. I don't mind late-comers, they're better than no-shows. Neither had came because the loli meet ran late. So it was just the one who came. And so I feel really upset about that. Not everyone I know is a lolita so this means other people also forgot and simply didn't come. One just fell sick. Yep. So that's my party. One visitor. That's not a party, that's just someone coming over.
I seriously don't know what it is. I am not the most approachable person in the world, that's fact. I don't interest myself with any form of drug use or drinking so I guess that makes me so square I'm a waste of time. It would be nice for people to tell me what it is and why I'm so easy to f*cking brush off. Even for a small party I can't get people to come. I ain't doing this nonsense anymore. I'm sick of being told "Oh, next time." The housewarming was yesterday, there's no making up for it short of a time machine.
Y'see, it pisses me off not simply because it's the first ever party I've ever made in my life but because this is a super common trend in my life - everyone feels that anything involving me isn't that important. Now, I get that I'm not popular, I don't really strive to be, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm not exactly the textbook definition of cool but this is getting ridic.
When I was a kid, it was mostly with my birthday. I'm born July 2. If you're an American, you know what holiday is close to it by two days, Independence Day. So that means the only birthday party I ever had was when I was 1. Never had another one but I got promised one tons. Year after f*cking year. "Oh, [insert bullsh*t reason here] came up, we'll do it next week/there's next year, ok?" Yep. I'm godd*mn twenty-f*cking-four years old. I pretty much stopped asking and expecting for that whereas my sister got tons of parties and people showing up for them too. Music and cake, occassionally occuring as complete surprises. I'm not much for surprises but geez, I'd like music and cake on my birthday too, I didn't know that's too hard to ask when the question is coming from me. Apparently people think that I would be pretty cool with folks just simply not doing anything for my birthday and simply move around the celebration (that would never happen anyways) as if the day I was born doesn't really matter. Not even a d*mn cupcake on my birthday. I get a present or two, even was taken to a movie but no parties and that's if people don't call out, which was pretty f*cking common because remember - I'm removable, and "I'll just understand" and simply become more convienient.
I mean, it wouldn't stop at the birthdays, try with my own successes. You know how hard it is to get my parents to come to my music performances when I was growing up? How about my drama performances? How about my poetry performances? How about when I was being featured or doing published poetry performances? Yah, try nearly none. Everyone else would have their parents there but mine? Nope. Even if I told them tons of time ahead and several times at that, what would happen? "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot", "Oh, something came up." Or the all time bullsh*ttery: "I'll be there in spirit". Do you know how much I absolutely loathe that phrase because I've heard it too. D*mn. Much? Here's what I hear when someone says that: "Oh, I don't really care and I don't want to come but I'm going to bs and make it seem like I wanted to come. I'm still not going to be there so instead I'm just going to lie and sound like I wanted to be there." It was a running joke at my performances with maintainers to ask where my mom is because she never godd*mn came. I could count on one hand how many times she showed up to performances. That's why she practically don't know me (just like the rest of my family, why try?) because she never cared. I don't care if people say "Oh she cared, just couldn't show up.", not showing up or doing something else equals not caring to me once it happens a few too many times.
Now, I just can't get people to show up to a freaking party. I already don't get asked out to events, since I guess I'm so boring or jarring to others and it seems people either call out on me or whatever. Y'see, this party first was supposed to be on Dec 7 but I didn't think my apt would be ready by then (I didn't even have a couch!), and then moved it to the 17th. Since that was super close to the holidays and didn't want people calling out on me then because of that, I figured to move it to Jan 7th. That's a long ways away for everyone to be prepared, call for time off, whatever they have to do. All seemed to being going well up until one of the local lolitas decided to have a big movie meet on the exact same day. I had an inkling (based on my own previous life experiences) that people would bail on me to go to that but I figured that maybe it would be fine. Nope. Apparently Jan 7th was the day every single d*mn person on this planet decided to do something or simply forget. Only one person came. One. Another would have came but I told them to come after the meet-up since this was the game plan of another friend of mine. I don't mind late-comers, they're better than no-shows. Neither had came because the loli meet ran late. So it was just the one who came. And so I feel really upset about that. Not everyone I know is a lolita so this means other people also forgot and simply didn't come. One just fell sick. Yep. So that's my party. One visitor. That's not a party, that's just someone coming over.
I seriously don't know what it is. I am not the most approachable person in the world, that's fact. I don't interest myself with any form of drug use or drinking so I guess that makes me so square I'm a waste of time. It would be nice for people to tell me what it is and why I'm so easy to f*cking brush off. Even for a small party I can't get people to come. I ain't doing this nonsense anymore. I'm sick of being told "Oh, next time." The housewarming was yesterday, there's no making up for it short of a time machine.