where did you sleep last night
There must be something masochistic in him. Some sort of pleasure in feeling this constant pain - sometimes it’s a distant buzz he can almost ignore, sometimes it’s so strong he can feel his own heart bursting for the pressure, and all his small cells breaking down one by one. There must be some sort of need he can’t consider human embed inside him, which has carved its own place inside his chest, between one rib and another, and it’s just too hard to get rid of it, it’s too deep within; some resilient self-destructive desire that makes him act like this, over and over again. And makes him whole, and broken.
Seunghoon knows that sometimes the dividing line is blurred and he isn’t sure about it anymore. Maybe his feelings will just go away if he just lingers on the bitterness he can feel every time Mino is on TV. He knows it’s unjustified and totally unnecessary, because Seunghoon has never been into hip hop that much - not the swag, the gold chains and the loose clothes, on the surface, and the way of living underneath - but it hurts anyway.
There is a side of him that wants to be acknowledged as an artist and rapper as much as Mino is, and this is what he grips onto, in days like these, hoping it will enough to get rid of the other side of him that keeps bringing him down in the spiral of needs and wants he’ll never fulfil. Those that make him jealous of Mino for different reasons, and burn and destroy and roar inside his chest like fire.
But then he falls for it again. For him and his shiny smiles and the way his voice changes as he calls him hyung and mostly how he always finds a way to make Seunghoon care and desire and live for it.
“What I think of Mino is that he’s like a puppy. A puppy I’ve raised since a long time ago. When the master finishes his work and goes home, he’d be welcoming him by wagging his tail. But even if a stranger comes in too, that puppy would be wagging his tail. He’s a big-hearted person.”
The flicker in Mino’s eyes when Seunghoon talks can easily be a figment of his imagination, it’s just a glimpse Seunghoon can have mistaken. It’s only hours later, after their interview has ended and they’ve got back to the hotel, that Mino looks at Seunghoon, for real, and so he can see the same spark in those dark eyes. They are in their room and the silence around them is a bit awkward.
“Hyuuuung”, Mino calls him, breaking the silence he hates to the guts, and within his voice Seunghoon can notice his usual aegyo and his usual need to get some attention. “Were you jealous earlier?”
Seunghoon shrugs his shoulders, looks away. “As if”.
“Yes you were”, Mino grins playfully, obviously satisfied with his answer. Mino knows he can toy with him - Seunghoon is weak for him, or mostly, everyone is weak for Mino, and that’s something you learn how to use after a while. Mino leans to hug him and Seunghoon just sighs at that, unable to pull him away. He’s not strong enough, not with his body, not when he can’t stop the monster of jealousy and the pain he always feels every time Mino gives away his smiles and affection to everyone around so easily.
Words have always been Seunghoon’s weapon, though. “You hate being alone because you don’t like yourself enough”, Seunghoon shouldn’t say this, he shouldn’t use what he has learnt by being this perceptive and observant all the time, maybe too much, to the point he knows things he shouldn’t - or wouldn’t - know.
Mino’s smile falters a little and Seunghoon is aware that he’ll think about this over and over again. Because Mino is like this, and he can’t do anything about it. He loves people, have fun with them and can’t stand being alone, but there is weakness in this too - he cares too much about what other thinks, and caring gets you hurt. What is amazing is how he keeps trying, and trying and trying even after all the times he’s been hurt - someone would find it cute, but Seunghoon thinks there is something desperate and hopeless in all that obstinacy. And in times like these he wants to be the person who will teach Mino how to just be fine with himself, or maybe, even more, the person who will fill his void all at once.
But Seunghoon is not optimistic and delusional like Mino is. He doesn’t lie to himself, not about this. He can bear the pain by himself, and he can bear the weight of knowledge: he is well aware that Mino will never be satisfied with him and him only, that even if he’s like the sun, a star that brings light and life with every smile and joke, that star can turns so easily in a black hole. Seunghoon won’t be here for this. He won’t get hurt once more…
“So, hyung, are you going to wait all night?”, the aegyo is gone, and there is rawness in his voice. Seunghoon loves to see the real Mino behind the mask: the needy, clingy, greedy person he is. The one who will never love him enough, but will ask Seunghoon a part of himself over and over again. The monster that needs to be loved in order to survive. Seunghoon is happy to know that at least this is not just another trick, another delusion; that he has seen right though him, once more.
Mino would do anything to not be alone.
And Seunghoon can’t help but fall for it. There is a line he always crosses, even if it will bring pain and more sleepless nights and more jealousy. He brushes his hand on Mino’s cheek and kisses him and momentarily forgets.
He’s not better than Mino. His monster is the constant need to have him, the incapacity to tell him to stop, the love he feels even after all the times he has gotten hurt. He’s just broken - and whole - under Mino’s hands.
a/n: quote in italic from here