(no subject)
well, winter break has been interesting to say the least.
i pretty much spent the holidays sick. had laryngitis christmas week. it was almost as bad as it was back in april. lost my voice completely friday after christmas. because of that i went into work 3 hours late, and then jess g. was nice enough to work for me on saturday (and she kinda wanted the hours since she can't work much cause she's on rotations, but was on break at the time). well, i started getting better on friday, and was mostly recovered by sunday. still have a bit of a cough right now, though, but overall i'm ok.
i met a guy, eric, a week ago. he's been having boy issues for a while and i kinda stepped in to be someone for him to talk/spend time with so he wasn't at home moping and such. it's been fun. we met and went to perkins for coffee/soda (yea, that's all we got) and were there for at least an hour and a half, just talking. new years eve i went up to ames to a party that i thought was supposed to be an underwear party. i had debating wearing a candy "posing pouch" from spencer's gifts. i went out and bought it on sunday in case i decided to wear it. brought it along, but never put it on. it actually ended up not being an underwear party... dunno why, really, but eh. it was ok.
of course, on tuesday then i get pink eye! ...again! took my contacts out, relaxed cause work was closed... then went to the bar. within minutes of getting to the bar i was having a panic attack. it was minor, but it lasted for a long time. the entire time i was at the bar. only had 2 beers and a shot of jager, so it wasn't caused by alcohol... actually i think the alcohol helped slightly. eric called me and talked me down a bit, then i found matt and he helped me calm down completely. i'm realizing (for about the 593957th time that i couldn't live without my friends). went home after that.
then wednesday... not wearing my contacts cause of pink eye... was called into work 10-6 cause it was rather busy. got home and... relaxed. around 9:30 i started getting a panic attack! a severe panic attack! after about 20 minutes i took 2 klonipin to help me calm down, and was talking to eric, matt, jeff, and katrina online to help me calm down. none of that was working... after an hour i started texting some people. texted matt (different one) to see if he could take me to the hospital. i knew i needed someone close by and he only lives a block away. he apparently was sick... then i texted alicia to see if she and/or jess were home. she texted back saying that they were so i called and, with difficulty, explained i was having a severe panic attack and needed to go to the hospital. being the absolutely amazing friends they are they took me to methodist (alicia drove my car so they wouldn't have to stay there for me to get out). by this time my hands were virtually paralyzed and fingers curled making it hard to type/text and my face was pretty much the same, so it was hard to even talk. i got in, the hospital and my bp (after i had already started relaxing slightly...) was 143/upper 90's. rather high... and i had already started relaxing slightly (i think it was the movement and the new environment that helped me out a bit). they told me to lay back and try to relax and calm my breathing. after a while a pa came in and talked with me (by then i had calmed down significantly). they gave me some ativan, took my bp again (down to 117/73 i believe) and let me go. that was about 12:45.
can i just say panic attacks are NOT FUN. i had been texting christie (pharmacist from work) and dereck since i jess and alicia had picked me up. let christie know i was going to the hospital just in case for some reason i couldn't work on thursday. but by the time i was supposed to be in i was ok.
oh, and got my grades on wednesday. p chem was very... interesting. i looked at the scores for the final... total possible points: 150. my score: 57. average score: 62. DAMN. somehow i got a b in the class... i don't understand that really, but ok. i won't complain. however, physio... remember last year? i was 1 POINT short of getting a c. guess what happened this year? 1 POINT short of getting a c. i had a 69.4%. 0.1% short of getting a c!!! and guess what? SHE WON'T FUCKING GIVE ME A C, EVEN AFTER I EXPLAINED THAT I HAD SEVERAL HEALTH ISSUES IN THE LAST YEAR!
anyways, i talked with dr. soltis and he's gonna talk with dr. chesnut and dr. pandit to see what can be done for an appeal to get an exception to policy. i'm confident something can be done so i can still graduate in may. also, i'm switching from dr. soltis' lab to dr. bohorquez's lab for my senior research. various reasons for it.
well, tomorrow i'm meeting with kirk, and then with janet at the health center. kirk and i think that i need to get on a sleep pill cause i'm having so many problems sleeping. i'm gonna try for ambien as it's the only one that i can get generic and at the lowest tier on my insurance. even if it's just for a month or so, that should help me out.
the last thing... i was thinking about it and this vegan thing... not working out. i like it, and i wasn't have problems with not eating meat or dairy, but i was having problems with just not eating enough. i think my daily calorie intake was averaging between 500-1000. that's way too low. it's resulted in me almost passing out multiple times and suppressing my immune system further (as if my hormones didn't do that enough... damn testosterone and cortisol!) and, while it's not a significant contributing factor, i'm sure it doesn't help with the anxiety and such. hence, the increase in frequency and severity of panic attacks. so my new plan: still cutting out a lot. using several soy products and such (soy milk, yogurt, etc) and some meat replacement products (boca, tempeh), but also eating some meats. primarily chicken and fish, both of which are the hardest for me to give up. overall i'll be eating healthier than i was before i tried veganism, but i'll be eating enough that i can actually live still. but it doesn't help that my appetite has pretty much gone to nothing until dinner time every day now. never hungry for lunch anymore...so i usually eat dried fruit if i'm working or nothing if i'm not.
anyways, next weekend will be interesting. queer youth summit at drake. i registered on friday so i'll be going... i'm supposed to meet zach there, after talking with him on facebook since september. let's just say, more than 650 messages back and forth in one long conversation... anyways, i'm looking forward to that. oh, and i'm gonna try to pick up hours at work this week, max my paycheck as much as i can. that'll be exciting! the week school starts i'll have so much money! i can start to get my tattoo!!!
oooh! and i decided on at least one more tattoo! i'm gonna get at least one rune tattooed on me. i'm thinking right now jer. go ahead and look it up if you want.
i pretty much spent the holidays sick. had laryngitis christmas week. it was almost as bad as it was back in april. lost my voice completely friday after christmas. because of that i went into work 3 hours late, and then jess g. was nice enough to work for me on saturday (and she kinda wanted the hours since she can't work much cause she's on rotations, but was on break at the time). well, i started getting better on friday, and was mostly recovered by sunday. still have a bit of a cough right now, though, but overall i'm ok.
i met a guy, eric, a week ago. he's been having boy issues for a while and i kinda stepped in to be someone for him to talk/spend time with so he wasn't at home moping and such. it's been fun. we met and went to perkins for coffee/soda (yea, that's all we got) and were there for at least an hour and a half, just talking. new years eve i went up to ames to a party that i thought was supposed to be an underwear party. i had debating wearing a candy "posing pouch" from spencer's gifts. i went out and bought it on sunday in case i decided to wear it. brought it along, but never put it on. it actually ended up not being an underwear party... dunno why, really, but eh. it was ok.
of course, on tuesday then i get pink eye! ...again! took my contacts out, relaxed cause work was closed... then went to the bar. within minutes of getting to the bar i was having a panic attack. it was minor, but it lasted for a long time. the entire time i was at the bar. only had 2 beers and a shot of jager, so it wasn't caused by alcohol... actually i think the alcohol helped slightly. eric called me and talked me down a bit, then i found matt and he helped me calm down completely. i'm realizing (for about the 593957th time that i couldn't live without my friends). went home after that.
then wednesday... not wearing my contacts cause of pink eye... was called into work 10-6 cause it was rather busy. got home and... relaxed. around 9:30 i started getting a panic attack! a severe panic attack! after about 20 minutes i took 2 klonipin to help me calm down, and was talking to eric, matt, jeff, and katrina online to help me calm down. none of that was working... after an hour i started texting some people. texted matt (different one) to see if he could take me to the hospital. i knew i needed someone close by and he only lives a block away. he apparently was sick... then i texted alicia to see if she and/or jess were home. she texted back saying that they were so i called and, with difficulty, explained i was having a severe panic attack and needed to go to the hospital. being the absolutely amazing friends they are they took me to methodist (alicia drove my car so they wouldn't have to stay there for me to get out). by this time my hands were virtually paralyzed and fingers curled making it hard to type/text and my face was pretty much the same, so it was hard to even talk. i got in, the hospital and my bp (after i had already started relaxing slightly...) was 143/upper 90's. rather high... and i had already started relaxing slightly (i think it was the movement and the new environment that helped me out a bit). they told me to lay back and try to relax and calm my breathing. after a while a pa came in and talked with me (by then i had calmed down significantly). they gave me some ativan, took my bp again (down to 117/73 i believe) and let me go. that was about 12:45.
can i just say panic attacks are NOT FUN. i had been texting christie (pharmacist from work) and dereck since i jess and alicia had picked me up. let christie know i was going to the hospital just in case for some reason i couldn't work on thursday. but by the time i was supposed to be in i was ok.
oh, and got my grades on wednesday. p chem was very... interesting. i looked at the scores for the final... total possible points: 150. my score: 57. average score: 62. DAMN. somehow i got a b in the class... i don't understand that really, but ok. i won't complain. however, physio... remember last year? i was 1 POINT short of getting a c. guess what happened this year? 1 POINT short of getting a c. i had a 69.4%. 0.1% short of getting a c!!! and guess what? SHE WON'T FUCKING GIVE ME A C, EVEN AFTER I EXPLAINED THAT I HAD SEVERAL HEALTH ISSUES IN THE LAST YEAR!
anyways, i talked with dr. soltis and he's gonna talk with dr. chesnut and dr. pandit to see what can be done for an appeal to get an exception to policy. i'm confident something can be done so i can still graduate in may. also, i'm switching from dr. soltis' lab to dr. bohorquez's lab for my senior research. various reasons for it.
well, tomorrow i'm meeting with kirk, and then with janet at the health center. kirk and i think that i need to get on a sleep pill cause i'm having so many problems sleeping. i'm gonna try for ambien as it's the only one that i can get generic and at the lowest tier on my insurance. even if it's just for a month or so, that should help me out.
the last thing... i was thinking about it and this vegan thing... not working out. i like it, and i wasn't have problems with not eating meat or dairy, but i was having problems with just not eating enough. i think my daily calorie intake was averaging between 500-1000. that's way too low. it's resulted in me almost passing out multiple times and suppressing my immune system further (as if my hormones didn't do that enough... damn testosterone and cortisol!) and, while it's not a significant contributing factor, i'm sure it doesn't help with the anxiety and such. hence, the increase in frequency and severity of panic attacks. so my new plan: still cutting out a lot. using several soy products and such (soy milk, yogurt, etc) and some meat replacement products (boca, tempeh), but also eating some meats. primarily chicken and fish, both of which are the hardest for me to give up. overall i'll be eating healthier than i was before i tried veganism, but i'll be eating enough that i can actually live still. but it doesn't help that my appetite has pretty much gone to nothing until dinner time every day now. never hungry for lunch anymore...so i usually eat dried fruit if i'm working or nothing if i'm not.
anyways, next weekend will be interesting. queer youth summit at drake. i registered on friday so i'll be going... i'm supposed to meet zach there, after talking with him on facebook since september. let's just say, more than 650 messages back and forth in one long conversation... anyways, i'm looking forward to that. oh, and i'm gonna try to pick up hours at work this week, max my paycheck as much as i can. that'll be exciting! the week school starts i'll have so much money! i can start to get my tattoo!!!
oooh! and i decided on at least one more tattoo! i'm gonna get at least one rune tattooed on me. i'm thinking right now jer. go ahead and look it up if you want.