Not Doing So Well
I'm not doing very well these days.
I'm eating at the level I have been so I haven't really gone down in calories, but in general, its been a struggle. And actually thats not completely true. I have managed to have days where I eat less but its never anything significantly less. But less is less, I guess and I know thats wrong.
Everyday recently, I've felt huge and enormous and disgusting. Even if part of me knows I'm not.
Yesterday, it was warm here. And I was freezing at first, because I'm always freezing now and then got warm. So I took of my sweatshirt. I wore my tank top around campus all day and people kept giving me different looks. I didn't quite get it. Even when I saw my best friend and our other friend, they looked at me strange. I chalked it up to me just imagining that people were looking at me.
When I got back from class, I had to go to Kinko's to pick up some stuff for class today. (Well after I worked out, of course.) When I got there, some older guy held the door open for me. As I walked through he made some comment on how tiny I was in my little halter top. I kind of ignored it. Then the guy who was helping me actually said "You're so tiny...." and looked at me strangely. I put on my sweatshirt even though it was 75 degrees and wore it throughout the rest of my errands.
After I got home, and worked out more (yeah, I know, I know), I was in the bathroom tying my hair up. When I looked in the mirror, I could actually see it. I could actually see that my arms are tiny. You can still see my ribs. You can count them in my back.
I decided no matter what the weather I'm not wearing any more tank tops.
So I see this but I still feel huge. At the same time I'm seeing my emaciated self, I'm also seeing this huge and fat blob. I see that my thighs are too big. I see that my stomach is disgusting. I see that even though I can see my ribs, I swear I can't see them quite as well as I could before.
Last week, I ran into my old boyfriend from high school. I had seen him around campus but avoided him because I didn't want to deal with him seeing me like this. But this was pretty unavoidable. He didn't comment on what I looked like but asked me if I was okay three times. I knew he was asking if I was really doing okay in everything, not just the casual "How's everything going way?" We still have a special way of communicating. He hugged me and when he did, he mumbled something about not wanting to hug me too tight because he was afraid he'd break me. But that was all.
He was/is one of the only people in this world that I feel really knew me. I don't trust people very well and therefore, not that many people truly know me. Seeing him was good. After I left him to come home, I wanted to be better. I wanted to eat like normal and everything be normal again.
But then I started thinking. What would he and anyone think if I gained weight? Would they see it as a failure? That was enough to stop me from eating normally.
Yesterday, I also went to Costco. I wanted frozen yogurt. But I couldn't get myself to buy any because it was too many calories.
On my drive home, I was thinking. I'm frustrated. Part of me desperately wants to be "normal" again. Part of me desperately wants to eat frozen yogurt when I want it. Part of me desperately wants to be able to do everything I used to love doing--like going every weekend to the fish and chips place with my sister. And I can't do that now.
I also realized, while thinking about the old boyfriend, I was the happiest back then. When I was well over 200 pounds. I was a lot happier.
I guess part of me has to decide at some point, do I want to continue to slowly kill myself or do I want to live my life again?
The thing is I'm scared.
Last week, I was talking to one of my sorority sisters. She was asking about this and whatnot and actually said "I wish I could have an eating disorder. I've tried but I don't have the willpower" When I asked her why she'd ever want something as horrible as this, she replied "You get to wear cute clothes!"
Yeah, no. I don't wear cute clothes. I don't like people staring at me, so I wear whatever I can to cover up most days. As I learned yesterday. I am sick all the time. I have no energy. I'm cranky. I don't have friends. Everyday is a cycle of forcing myself to eat. Everyday is a cycle of eating and guilt and overexcersizing. Everyday is hell. I can't go out to eat whenever, I have to plan for it. I can't eat a lot of foods because they scare me. Its not all about wearing cute clothes.
My parents are sending me to Chicago for spring break (Part of it. I'm going to visit one of my best friends. I've never been to Chicago. I should be really really excited. But you know what I keep thinking? "What am I going to eat?" "How am I not going to gain weight?" I even thought about how I could get out of going--because of food. I feel bad for even thinking like that.
I feel horrible all the time but I'm afraid of gaining weight, so it keeps me here. Whats wrong with me?
So yeah, its been really hard recently.
In counseling, I was talking and I honestly think a lot of it has to do with how I'm under a ton of stress due to it being the end of the term. Hopefully after the end of the term (next week), it'll get easier. Hopefully.
I could use something. Even if its less stress.
I'm eating at the level I have been so I haven't really gone down in calories, but in general, its been a struggle. And actually thats not completely true. I have managed to have days where I eat less but its never anything significantly less. But less is less, I guess and I know thats wrong.
Everyday recently, I've felt huge and enormous and disgusting. Even if part of me knows I'm not.
Yesterday, it was warm here. And I was freezing at first, because I'm always freezing now and then got warm. So I took of my sweatshirt. I wore my tank top around campus all day and people kept giving me different looks. I didn't quite get it. Even when I saw my best friend and our other friend, they looked at me strange. I chalked it up to me just imagining that people were looking at me.
When I got back from class, I had to go to Kinko's to pick up some stuff for class today. (Well after I worked out, of course.) When I got there, some older guy held the door open for me. As I walked through he made some comment on how tiny I was in my little halter top. I kind of ignored it. Then the guy who was helping me actually said "You're so tiny...." and looked at me strangely. I put on my sweatshirt even though it was 75 degrees and wore it throughout the rest of my errands.
After I got home, and worked out more (yeah, I know, I know), I was in the bathroom tying my hair up. When I looked in the mirror, I could actually see it. I could actually see that my arms are tiny. You can still see my ribs. You can count them in my back.
I decided no matter what the weather I'm not wearing any more tank tops.
So I see this but I still feel huge. At the same time I'm seeing my emaciated self, I'm also seeing this huge and fat blob. I see that my thighs are too big. I see that my stomach is disgusting. I see that even though I can see my ribs, I swear I can't see them quite as well as I could before.
Last week, I ran into my old boyfriend from high school. I had seen him around campus but avoided him because I didn't want to deal with him seeing me like this. But this was pretty unavoidable. He didn't comment on what I looked like but asked me if I was okay three times. I knew he was asking if I was really doing okay in everything, not just the casual "How's everything going way?" We still have a special way of communicating. He hugged me and when he did, he mumbled something about not wanting to hug me too tight because he was afraid he'd break me. But that was all.
He was/is one of the only people in this world that I feel really knew me. I don't trust people very well and therefore, not that many people truly know me. Seeing him was good. After I left him to come home, I wanted to be better. I wanted to eat like normal and everything be normal again.
But then I started thinking. What would he and anyone think if I gained weight? Would they see it as a failure? That was enough to stop me from eating normally.
Yesterday, I also went to Costco. I wanted frozen yogurt. But I couldn't get myself to buy any because it was too many calories.
On my drive home, I was thinking. I'm frustrated. Part of me desperately wants to be "normal" again. Part of me desperately wants to eat frozen yogurt when I want it. Part of me desperately wants to be able to do everything I used to love doing--like going every weekend to the fish and chips place with my sister. And I can't do that now.
I also realized, while thinking about the old boyfriend, I was the happiest back then. When I was well over 200 pounds. I was a lot happier.
I guess part of me has to decide at some point, do I want to continue to slowly kill myself or do I want to live my life again?
The thing is I'm scared.
Last week, I was talking to one of my sorority sisters. She was asking about this and whatnot and actually said "I wish I could have an eating disorder. I've tried but I don't have the willpower" When I asked her why she'd ever want something as horrible as this, she replied "You get to wear cute clothes!"
Yeah, no. I don't wear cute clothes. I don't like people staring at me, so I wear whatever I can to cover up most days. As I learned yesterday. I am sick all the time. I have no energy. I'm cranky. I don't have friends. Everyday is a cycle of forcing myself to eat. Everyday is a cycle of eating and guilt and overexcersizing. Everyday is hell. I can't go out to eat whenever, I have to plan for it. I can't eat a lot of foods because they scare me. Its not all about wearing cute clothes.
My parents are sending me to Chicago for spring break (Part of it. I'm going to visit one of my best friends. I've never been to Chicago. I should be really really excited. But you know what I keep thinking? "What am I going to eat?" "How am I not going to gain weight?" I even thought about how I could get out of going--because of food. I feel bad for even thinking like that.
I feel horrible all the time but I'm afraid of gaining weight, so it keeps me here. Whats wrong with me?
So yeah, its been really hard recently.
In counseling, I was talking and I honestly think a lot of it has to do with how I'm under a ton of stress due to it being the end of the term. Hopefully after the end of the term (next week), it'll get easier. Hopefully.
I could use something. Even if its less stress.