(no subject)
Today was weird.
I added some more snacks to my day to try to get my calories up. I actually had my whole food day pretty much planned out last night. I stuck to it pretty well although I switched a few things around. It worked out pretty well. My mid-morning snack was a Pria bar I bought while I was at Target (I was out running errands today) and while I ate it in my car (to my next errand), I had to call my Mom for support. Other than that, it went okay.
I also did thirty minutes of the cardio I'm allowed to do three times a week. Getting off the elliptical trainer when that time was up was hard. Ok, so I did 31 minutes. But I stopped myself as soon as I realized what I was doing. Which I guess is a good thing. Its going to be really hard not to overdo it though. Really hard.
I think I've gained some weight. It looks like it to me. I don't know if I have though. I have no scale. My Mom says I don't look like I gained any weight but yeah, I don't know. One side of me was happy to think that I could have but the other side wants me to restrict back down again. Its easier to just NOT think about it. So I'm trying not to.
Yesterday, I put on a pair of pants I wore to my brother's rehearsal dinner a couple months ago. They're a tiny size but they were tight two months ago. They were loose yesterday. Meaning, I lost more weight since my brother's wedding. That kind of scared me and made me happy at the same time, which scared me even more.
Last night, I got my shoes and jacket on to go get a Blizzard at Dairy Queen since I have to do that this month. But I couldn't do it in the end. I ate a cookie and a brownie yesterday and was already feeling bad. I was so frustrated when i just took everything off and didn't go. Maybe some day soon, I'll be ready.
But yeah, today was weird.
It brought up a lot of issues for me.
Of all things, when I saw that Scott Peterson was given the death penalty, I sort of freaked out. I know, I know, it sounds crazy.
The night my best friend's brother was murdered last year, my grandmother was visiting. Whenever she visits, her and my dad get in these big debates. This debate was about the death penalty for some unknown reason.
I piped in with how I felt it was wrong.
My grandmother then asked me how I'd feel if someone I knew was murdered. I told her I would feel the same.
The ironic thing is that as we were having that conversation, someone I loved was being murdered.
The guy who killed him ended up killing himself right after he shot my best friend's brother. (That doesn't even do him justice, he was my family)
But honestly? if he wouldn't have, I would have not wanted death for him.
My best friend is against the death penalty and we were actually talking about it recently, she was saying she was still against it because she knows what her brother's death did to her family. Why want that for another family?
Anyways, this whole thing brought up a lot of emotions. I've been thinking about her brother a lot recently. Mostly because its the holidays.
The first counselor I saw in reference to my eating disorder, thought it could have something to do with his death. At least part of it. There's a lot of issues here.
I don't know if it does or doesn't.
But I do know that there were a lot of complex emotions going on and still going on around his death that I didn't deal with because I didn't know how. Or because I was scared.
The day I found out he was killed (the morning after it happened), my life changed forever. Everything I knew was different. Everyone I knew were different. My best friend is a different girl than the girl I knew for so long before.
And there was not a thing I could about it.
And I was scared.
I still am honestly.
So yeah, I don't know if this has anything to do with anything but I think its something to think about. Something to consider as part of all of this. To go along with all the other issues.
This is really complex.
*sigh*
I added some more snacks to my day to try to get my calories up. I actually had my whole food day pretty much planned out last night. I stuck to it pretty well although I switched a few things around. It worked out pretty well. My mid-morning snack was a Pria bar I bought while I was at Target (I was out running errands today) and while I ate it in my car (to my next errand), I had to call my Mom for support. Other than that, it went okay.
I also did thirty minutes of the cardio I'm allowed to do three times a week. Getting off the elliptical trainer when that time was up was hard. Ok, so I did 31 minutes. But I stopped myself as soon as I realized what I was doing. Which I guess is a good thing. Its going to be really hard not to overdo it though. Really hard.
I think I've gained some weight. It looks like it to me. I don't know if I have though. I have no scale. My Mom says I don't look like I gained any weight but yeah, I don't know. One side of me was happy to think that I could have but the other side wants me to restrict back down again. Its easier to just NOT think about it. So I'm trying not to.
Yesterday, I put on a pair of pants I wore to my brother's rehearsal dinner a couple months ago. They're a tiny size but they were tight two months ago. They were loose yesterday. Meaning, I lost more weight since my brother's wedding. That kind of scared me and made me happy at the same time, which scared me even more.
Last night, I got my shoes and jacket on to go get a Blizzard at Dairy Queen since I have to do that this month. But I couldn't do it in the end. I ate a cookie and a brownie yesterday and was already feeling bad. I was so frustrated when i just took everything off and didn't go. Maybe some day soon, I'll be ready.
But yeah, today was weird.
It brought up a lot of issues for me.
Of all things, when I saw that Scott Peterson was given the death penalty, I sort of freaked out. I know, I know, it sounds crazy.
The night my best friend's brother was murdered last year, my grandmother was visiting. Whenever she visits, her and my dad get in these big debates. This debate was about the death penalty for some unknown reason.
I piped in with how I felt it was wrong.
My grandmother then asked me how I'd feel if someone I knew was murdered. I told her I would feel the same.
The ironic thing is that as we were having that conversation, someone I loved was being murdered.
The guy who killed him ended up killing himself right after he shot my best friend's brother. (That doesn't even do him justice, he was my family)
But honestly? if he wouldn't have, I would have not wanted death for him.
My best friend is against the death penalty and we were actually talking about it recently, she was saying she was still against it because she knows what her brother's death did to her family. Why want that for another family?
Anyways, this whole thing brought up a lot of emotions. I've been thinking about her brother a lot recently. Mostly because its the holidays.
The first counselor I saw in reference to my eating disorder, thought it could have something to do with his death. At least part of it. There's a lot of issues here.
I don't know if it does or doesn't.
But I do know that there were a lot of complex emotions going on and still going on around his death that I didn't deal with because I didn't know how. Or because I was scared.
The day I found out he was killed (the morning after it happened), my life changed forever. Everything I knew was different. Everyone I knew were different. My best friend is a different girl than the girl I knew for so long before.
And there was not a thing I could about it.
And I was scared.
I still am honestly.
So yeah, I don't know if this has anything to do with anything but I think its something to think about. Something to consider as part of all of this. To go along with all the other issues.
This is really complex.
*sigh*