I am crazy
I still have to fill out my paperwork for my counseling session tomorrow. Yeah, I've had it for a week or even more but I threw it aside and haven't really looked at it since. I guess part of me thinks that if I don't do it, I won't have to go.
I got on a scale today. Yeah, okay, I never have admitted this before but just about every other day I'd say, I go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and get on their scale. I haven't told anyone about that because well, its embarrassing. When I was living in California, I went every single day. Now that I'm back here at home, I can't really go every day. But yeah. It was less than it was before but still not as low I was hoping. I know, I know, it sounds sick.
I spent most of today trying to convince myself I don't have a problem. I actually don't think I have a full blown eating disorder but yeah, I spent all day trying to tell myself that I had no problem at all. That its perfectly normal to only eat 900 calories a day, sometimes more if I work out more than to burn my usual 400 calories. That its perfectly normal to cry over the fact that you ate 1065 calories in one day. That its perfectly normal to refuse to eat the "Welcome Back" dinner your parents brought you because you had no idea how many calories were in it and that even if you did, you'd never touch it because it was way too many. That it was perfectly normal to wake up thinking and plotting calories for the day and to go to bed doing the same for the next day. Or that its perfectly normal to avoid seeing people because you KNOW you look sick and weak but you can't get yourself to do anything about it because you're scared of something you aren't quite sure of. Yeah, real normal.
So for a while, I had myself convinced. Convinced that I was totally normal for eating 900 calories a day, occassionally a couple hundred more and that if I had real issues I'd only be eating a couple hundred calories or even none. But since I was eating way more than that, I was okay. I actually went through my whole afternoon like that. As I whizzed through Costco with only my Diet Coke (because yeah, its normal to drink tons of Diet Coke every day) and looked at the samples, calculated calories for samples and then didn't touch them. As I went through the grocery store trying to pick up something to eat because I had to pick up my sister and was hungry. Yeah, I had myself convinced I was normal. Then half way through my workout when I had to take a break, I just got sad.
But I am scared to get help. I'm scared to lose this part of my life. Because right now, it feels like the only thing I have going on. And I know that sounds messed up and part of my head knows that. I feel crazy. I feel like my head has two sides, one totally logical knowing that I should get help and the other one telling me I don't want help because this is all I have right now. Maybe I am insane.
However, nonetheless, my life is sad. I think about calories all the time. I plan what I'm going to eat all day long. I don't eat anything that I didn't plan. I count calories in vegetables. And each time I eat, I have to force myself to do it. I've come to hate food. I've come to hate my life.
I've been back for over a week now and I've seen two friends. I saw B the first night I got back and I was nervous about that. I haven't gone to see her parents like I said I was going to, I'm embarrassed to have them see me like this. The only other person I've seen is Shawn. And thats only because I ran into the grocery store so I couldn't really avoid him. Then, I figured why not hang with him because he'd already seen me. I am actually avoiding people.
Because I'm embarrassed. I was doing so well and everyone was "yay you! You lost all this weight, you're so healthy!" and I was...for like a nanosecond. Its embarrassing to me that it got this out of control. I feel like one giant letdown. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and I don't want people to see me like this. i actually cried about being in my brother's wedding last night. Its in 3 weeks or so. Even if I gained a pound a week, no one would be able to tell. My whole family and a ton of friends are going to be there. Its going to be an ordeal. And I HATE that I let myself get like this.
And yet, on some level, I want to keep going. I want to see if I can eat less and do more. I'm so messed up.
Yesterday would have been my first Weight Watcher meeting back here. I really wanted to go to see all my Weight Watcher friends. However, I couldn't because according to them, I'm underweight now. And even if I wasn't, I'd feel like a sham going and pretending like I was cool and good when really I'm going crazy. It made me really sad. I cried. Like I do over everything now. I swear I'm going crazy.
So yeah, therapy tomorrow. I don't know that I have a full blown eating disorder and I don't even know if according to a real doctor that I'm underweight but I guess we'll see what she has to say tomorrow. Even though, I really don't want to go. I'm scared on so many levels. I'm scared to tell anyone what its like to be me. Face to face? Its embarrassing and shameful.
Maybe thats why I've been putting off the paperwork.
I want tomorrow to be over with.
I got on a scale today. Yeah, okay, I never have admitted this before but just about every other day I'd say, I go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and get on their scale. I haven't told anyone about that because well, its embarrassing. When I was living in California, I went every single day. Now that I'm back here at home, I can't really go every day. But yeah. It was less than it was before but still not as low I was hoping. I know, I know, it sounds sick.
I spent most of today trying to convince myself I don't have a problem. I actually don't think I have a full blown eating disorder but yeah, I spent all day trying to tell myself that I had no problem at all. That its perfectly normal to only eat 900 calories a day, sometimes more if I work out more than to burn my usual 400 calories. That its perfectly normal to cry over the fact that you ate 1065 calories in one day. That its perfectly normal to refuse to eat the "Welcome Back" dinner your parents brought you because you had no idea how many calories were in it and that even if you did, you'd never touch it because it was way too many. That it was perfectly normal to wake up thinking and plotting calories for the day and to go to bed doing the same for the next day. Or that its perfectly normal to avoid seeing people because you KNOW you look sick and weak but you can't get yourself to do anything about it because you're scared of something you aren't quite sure of. Yeah, real normal.
So for a while, I had myself convinced. Convinced that I was totally normal for eating 900 calories a day, occassionally a couple hundred more and that if I had real issues I'd only be eating a couple hundred calories or even none. But since I was eating way more than that, I was okay. I actually went through my whole afternoon like that. As I whizzed through Costco with only my Diet Coke (because yeah, its normal to drink tons of Diet Coke every day) and looked at the samples, calculated calories for samples and then didn't touch them. As I went through the grocery store trying to pick up something to eat because I had to pick up my sister and was hungry. Yeah, I had myself convinced I was normal. Then half way through my workout when I had to take a break, I just got sad.
But I am scared to get help. I'm scared to lose this part of my life. Because right now, it feels like the only thing I have going on. And I know that sounds messed up and part of my head knows that. I feel crazy. I feel like my head has two sides, one totally logical knowing that I should get help and the other one telling me I don't want help because this is all I have right now. Maybe I am insane.
However, nonetheless, my life is sad. I think about calories all the time. I plan what I'm going to eat all day long. I don't eat anything that I didn't plan. I count calories in vegetables. And each time I eat, I have to force myself to do it. I've come to hate food. I've come to hate my life.
I've been back for over a week now and I've seen two friends. I saw B the first night I got back and I was nervous about that. I haven't gone to see her parents like I said I was going to, I'm embarrassed to have them see me like this. The only other person I've seen is Shawn. And thats only because I ran into the grocery store so I couldn't really avoid him. Then, I figured why not hang with him because he'd already seen me. I am actually avoiding people.
Because I'm embarrassed. I was doing so well and everyone was "yay you! You lost all this weight, you're so healthy!" and I was...for like a nanosecond. Its embarrassing to me that it got this out of control. I feel like one giant letdown. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and I don't want people to see me like this. i actually cried about being in my brother's wedding last night. Its in 3 weeks or so. Even if I gained a pound a week, no one would be able to tell. My whole family and a ton of friends are going to be there. Its going to be an ordeal. And I HATE that I let myself get like this.
And yet, on some level, I want to keep going. I want to see if I can eat less and do more. I'm so messed up.
Yesterday would have been my first Weight Watcher meeting back here. I really wanted to go to see all my Weight Watcher friends. However, I couldn't because according to them, I'm underweight now. And even if I wasn't, I'd feel like a sham going and pretending like I was cool and good when really I'm going crazy. It made me really sad. I cried. Like I do over everything now. I swear I'm going crazy.
So yeah, therapy tomorrow. I don't know that I have a full blown eating disorder and I don't even know if according to a real doctor that I'm underweight but I guess we'll see what she has to say tomorrow. Even though, I really don't want to go. I'm scared on so many levels. I'm scared to tell anyone what its like to be me. Face to face? Its embarrassing and shameful.
Maybe thats why I've been putting off the paperwork.
I want tomorrow to be over with.